Already....so yes, that means I pigged out.
It's the stress, I can't seem to stop myself when I'm stressed, but I also blame not having brought adequate food of my own, so tonight I packed more appropriately and am feeling ready for tomorrow.
The one good thing: I caught myself. Not before, but not as long after as the past. So I'll take that as a teeny tiny baby step. I haven't been to any meetings this week,and not sure how next week will work since the one I like is on Monday and that's a holiday, AND a workday for me. The busiest workday of the year so I need to be fully prepared and get myself prepared for what it will be like: stressful and maniacal. Not a good mix for me and my eating habits, but I'm trying to plan.
I also need to start thinking about a food program. Something to follow (Weight Watchers, Atkins, ????) because some guidance is good. Weight Watchers always worked for me because of the accountability of the weekly weigh ins, but I like the way the weight comes off with Atkins, my body really seems to respond to that. Maybe a combination? Something to ponder.
Ready for the freshest start EVER.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Surviving the Holidays?
I don't know if I can say I've been "great" for the holidays, but I can say this: Not as a justification but I gave myself permission to just chill for the holidays. Not to eat everything I wanted, but not to stress about it. And strangely, not that I ate like a bird, but I didn't pig out as much as I'd thought I might.
But I have to take back that permission because it's too close to saying I don't have a problem, or that I am in any shape or form in control of my eating. Because I'm not. But I'm recognizing and admitting it...I just have to get better about acting on it.
New Year, New Attitude, New Habits
But I have to take back that permission because it's too close to saying I don't have a problem, or that I am in any shape or form in control of my eating. Because I'm not. But I'm recognizing and admitting it...I just have to get better about acting on it.
New Year, New Attitude, New Habits
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Maintaining is a bitch
My goal through the holidays is to maintain. Maintain my weight and use this time to really look at my eating habits, figure out what it is that drives me to eat, why I feel the need to grab food and what I'm feeling when it happens.
One big thing I'm noticing...and I knew this...I'm a serious stress eater. When my brain is spinning, I seem to find some sort of grounding by grabbing food. It wouldn't be so bad if I was grabbing healthy food, so I need to figure out some snacks that won't be boring, but more importantly, I need to find a different coping mechanism. I have an idea I'm going to try through this next week. Walk away. If my brain is going too many directions, I'm going to try and pull it back into focus with a walk, even if it's just one lap around my floor. Can't hurt right?
I made some good decisions today,and was able to turn down a huge chunk of my favorite cake: red velvet from Nothing Bundt Cakes. I compromised by having just a fork full. I got to satisfy the taste, but didn't need the huge chunk I usually eat, gluttonous and unnecessary.
I also got to talk to a friend who is looking amazing. She's losing weight, but more importantly, really toning up. She told me about the program she's using, and I might do it. It might be my Christmas present to myself :-) I deserve it right?
One big thing I'm noticing...and I knew this...I'm a serious stress eater. When my brain is spinning, I seem to find some sort of grounding by grabbing food. It wouldn't be so bad if I was grabbing healthy food, so I need to figure out some snacks that won't be boring, but more importantly, I need to find a different coping mechanism. I have an idea I'm going to try through this next week. Walk away. If my brain is going too many directions, I'm going to try and pull it back into focus with a walk, even if it's just one lap around my floor. Can't hurt right?
I made some good decisions today,and was able to turn down a huge chunk of my favorite cake: red velvet from Nothing Bundt Cakes. I compromised by having just a fork full. I got to satisfy the taste, but didn't need the huge chunk I usually eat, gluttonous and unnecessary.
I also got to talk to a friend who is looking amazing. She's losing weight, but more importantly, really toning up. She told me about the program she's using, and I might do it. It might be my Christmas present to myself :-) I deserve it right?
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Disappointed
Ugh....I'm really disappointed in myself today.
I have been doing really well at work with not snacking. I have walked by countless cubicles and desks and counter spaces covered in chocolates and cookies and candycanes and all that good stuff. All the easy to "drive by" foods. I was thinking about it today and when I've done the crazy drive by eating before, I seem to have had this bizarre theory: If no one saw me eat it, then I must not have. Kind of a fat person's version of "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" It's amazing the ways I find that I have used to excuse myself for eating.
Today was such a day. After all the realizations I had, and doing as well as I did with all the baking I've done (not perfect, but better), I screwed up royally today. See, I've done a good job of clearing all the stuff out of my way, packaging it, delivering it and being gone with it, which helps. Today I did something I'm finding I'm notorious for. The food hoarding.
I took in a bag of all the extras in the house...the fudge, the sugar cookies, the pretzels, to put on my desk so everyone could help me get rid of it. Which they would have given the chance. Now, I did give away some, but there it was, sitting in my space, daring to smell good, look good and yes....taste good. And I ate them. Not every piece. Not all of it. But way more of it than I needed. And I have to admit, I didn't make a very good effort at getting it out to other people...because I wanted it. Epic fail in my goal of not being compulsive.
My name is Tine and I am a compulsive overeater.
Tomorrow I will:
Work my tools
Eat only what I bring (breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed...NO EXCUSE!)
Call or talk to someone when I find myself feeling compulsive.
I have been doing really well at work with not snacking. I have walked by countless cubicles and desks and counter spaces covered in chocolates and cookies and candycanes and all that good stuff. All the easy to "drive by" foods. I was thinking about it today and when I've done the crazy drive by eating before, I seem to have had this bizarre theory: If no one saw me eat it, then I must not have. Kind of a fat person's version of "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" It's amazing the ways I find that I have used to excuse myself for eating.
Today was such a day. After all the realizations I had, and doing as well as I did with all the baking I've done (not perfect, but better), I screwed up royally today. See, I've done a good job of clearing all the stuff out of my way, packaging it, delivering it and being gone with it, which helps. Today I did something I'm finding I'm notorious for. The food hoarding.
I took in a bag of all the extras in the house...the fudge, the sugar cookies, the pretzels, to put on my desk so everyone could help me get rid of it. Which they would have given the chance. Now, I did give away some, but there it was, sitting in my space, daring to smell good, look good and yes....taste good. And I ate them. Not every piece. Not all of it. But way more of it than I needed. And I have to admit, I didn't make a very good effort at getting it out to other people...because I wanted it. Epic fail in my goal of not being compulsive.
My name is Tine and I am a compulsive overeater.
Tomorrow I will:
Work my tools
Eat only what I bring (breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed...NO EXCUSE!)
Call or talk to someone when I find myself feeling compulsive.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Falling down and getting back up
It's been a few days since I posted, but work has literally been a bitch. A lot of work going on and it's a serious buzz kill. And it's hard on a girl trying to be good with her diet, and herself. My idea of "if I didn't bring it, I don't eat it" got it's value proven.
I did that so well all week last week. That is a huge success. But Saturday was another full work day, and with not being in that mindset Friday night, I didn't pack my lunch. I knew we had potluck leftovers (including healthy stuff) so I wasn't too worried about lunch. But I stopped on the way to work and got a fast food breakfast. Pretty much a fail. But not total failure because I did at least pass up on getting the 2 dozen donuts I normally would have, so that was a success. I'd be lying if I said it was easy having to pick and choose food items that were "fair game" but I felt pretty good about my overall choices.
The rest of the weekend was spent baking. I know? What in the hell was I thinking??? Me? Hungry? Compulsive? Baking? yep. And if I said I didn't have a single bite of anything, that would be a lie. I did pick, but not nearly to the extent of past digressions....and I didn't hide those bites, which would be my usual M.O. But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have more than I should have.
I only had about a day and half off this weekend, and I tried to use up all the time wisely. I baked goodies for my work friends and I spent time with my family. A nice long hike, a treasure hunt for things little boys think are valuable and lots of fresh air which was good.
I realized I was having trouble refocusing on the abstinence from food I am supposed to be working on. And then I realized I hadn't been to one of my meetings in a week, so I made time to go to one today and boy am I ever glad that I did. It re-invigorated me to think about what I am doing: What am I putting in my mouth? Why am I putting it there? What was I thinking when I did it? It goes back to eating my feelings. Feeling less than something, feeling left out and feeling a little neglected...those answers and more. And I need to find a way to re-direct the coping skills to something far more productive than baking or worse, eating. One thing I did forget today was my little journal to track all this stuff...again, the importance of using the tools that I have is proven. They obviously work and I need to use them. I can't do this the way I always have, it's proven NOT to work.
So, I did fall down a bit this weekend, but I think I get points for having recognized and pulled back sooner than later and giving myself a better opportunity to overcome....and get back up again.
Tomorrow is another day and I will use my tools, I will pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and I will forgive myself in all the right ways. Not by rewarding myself with food, but with self love and self respect. I see that I am seriously lacking both.
I did that so well all week last week. That is a huge success. But Saturday was another full work day, and with not being in that mindset Friday night, I didn't pack my lunch. I knew we had potluck leftovers (including healthy stuff) so I wasn't too worried about lunch. But I stopped on the way to work and got a fast food breakfast. Pretty much a fail. But not total failure because I did at least pass up on getting the 2 dozen donuts I normally would have, so that was a success. I'd be lying if I said it was easy having to pick and choose food items that were "fair game" but I felt pretty good about my overall choices.
The rest of the weekend was spent baking. I know? What in the hell was I thinking??? Me? Hungry? Compulsive? Baking? yep. And if I said I didn't have a single bite of anything, that would be a lie. I did pick, but not nearly to the extent of past digressions....and I didn't hide those bites, which would be my usual M.O. But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have more than I should have.
I only had about a day and half off this weekend, and I tried to use up all the time wisely. I baked goodies for my work friends and I spent time with my family. A nice long hike, a treasure hunt for things little boys think are valuable and lots of fresh air which was good.
I realized I was having trouble refocusing on the abstinence from food I am supposed to be working on. And then I realized I hadn't been to one of my meetings in a week, so I made time to go to one today and boy am I ever glad that I did. It re-invigorated me to think about what I am doing: What am I putting in my mouth? Why am I putting it there? What was I thinking when I did it? It goes back to eating my feelings. Feeling less than something, feeling left out and feeling a little neglected...those answers and more. And I need to find a way to re-direct the coping skills to something far more productive than baking or worse, eating. One thing I did forget today was my little journal to track all this stuff...again, the importance of using the tools that I have is proven. They obviously work and I need to use them. I can't do this the way I always have, it's proven NOT to work.
So, I did fall down a bit this weekend, but I think I get points for having recognized and pulled back sooner than later and giving myself a better opportunity to overcome....and get back up again.
Tomorrow is another day and I will use my tools, I will pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and I will forgive myself in all the right ways. Not by rewarding myself with food, but with self love and self respect. I see that I am seriously lacking both.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Feeling the Love!
I reached out last night. I sent a message to a group of friends and family, asking them to try to understand that I have a problem.
"Hello. My name is Tine and I am a Compulsive Overeater"
I was ashamed and embarrassed when I sent that message, but I had to, I needed to. See, accountability for me is key. If I know someone is paying attention, I work just that little bit harder to achieve. I know that's not the best, or even right, motivation for me, but right now any motivation is good motivation. Until I can sort our why I can't let myself be healthy and non compulsive, I'll take what I can get.
I posted in my Finding My Muchness post tonight about those friends and family. About how they overwhelmed me with the responses and identifying with the struggle I am having. I am so honored that they felt able to open up and discuss their own insecurities and issues. Beyond honored..I was humbled.
This humility overrides my snarkiness tonight...I have to simply say, again, THANK YOU! You've inspired me to continue what I have only just started. This will be a long and sometimes painful journey, but how lucky am I to have these women by my side?
Love to them and all who may find their way to this blog or Finding My Muchness....we all deserve it.
"Hello. My name is Tine and I am a Compulsive Overeater"
I was ashamed and embarrassed when I sent that message, but I had to, I needed to. See, accountability for me is key. If I know someone is paying attention, I work just that little bit harder to achieve. I know that's not the best, or even right, motivation for me, but right now any motivation is good motivation. Until I can sort our why I can't let myself be healthy and non compulsive, I'll take what I can get.
I posted in my Finding My Muchness post tonight about those friends and family. About how they overwhelmed me with the responses and identifying with the struggle I am having. I am so honored that they felt able to open up and discuss their own insecurities and issues. Beyond honored..I was humbled.
This humility overrides my snarkiness tonight...I have to simply say, again, THANK YOU! You've inspired me to continue what I have only just started. This will be a long and sometimes painful journey, but how lucky am I to have these women by my side?
Love to them and all who may find their way to this blog or Finding My Muchness....we all deserve it.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Normal?
I'm not normal.
Let me clarify, I'm not normal about food. I think about food constantly, no matter where I am, the time of day or when I last stuffed something in my mouth, you can ask at anytime and I can tell you, I'm thinking about food. Of course, that's if I'd dare admit it. Because how embarrassing is it that I can probably tell you that food is on my mind more often throughout the day than my family? That's a guess, but I'm betting if I did keep track, making hash marks everytime I thought of either, I'd be further humiliated.
Most people (normal people) eat a meal or a snack when they're hungry and that's it. No further thought of when their next meal might be, or if they think they really got enough or would anybody notice if they just grabbed a little bit more of whatever was out there, just in case. Just in case? Yep, just in case every food selling establishment in civilization suddenly shut down and food would be totally unavailable. What??? It could happen. In my worst nightmare.
Normal people feel full and satisfied after eating their meal or snack. They sit back, appreciate what they just enjoyed and think about anything BUT more food. Me? Not so much. I don't feel full. I mean, I don't recognize nor respect the feeling of being full. Just because my stomach is distended and my clothes feel snug, I just am not sure I'm really full, I can probably put just a bit more in.
Because, you never know. All the food selling establishments in civilization might suddenly shut down. And I'd never feel full (or imagine what full felt like) ever again. So, like a military strategist, I start or get halfway through a meal or snack and I'm already planning the next pit stop. The next survival post. And trust me, I can afford to miss a few of those.
I know what normal should be with food, but in all honesty, I don't think I can ever remember NOT being somewhat obsessed by food. I have gone two whole days with exercising what I believe to be awesome self control. If I didn't bring it, I didn't eat it. But something strange is happening. Instead of being proud of myself and celebrating this, I feel a little bit anxious. Maybe more than a little bit. I mean, what if the kids finish off the goldfish crackers before I get a chance to get some? Or what if the candy in the cupboard (that's been there for a while) gets eaten and I've MISSED OUT??????? I feel like I might miss out on something. And that's not normal.
I need to study normal more...and figure out how to try it on without having a panic attack that sends me to the nearest fast food restaurant so I can shove a hamburger meal down my throat before going home to dinner. Because that's happened. Embarrassing.
And I'd like to be normal....at least about food.
Let me clarify, I'm not normal about food. I think about food constantly, no matter where I am, the time of day or when I last stuffed something in my mouth, you can ask at anytime and I can tell you, I'm thinking about food. Of course, that's if I'd dare admit it. Because how embarrassing is it that I can probably tell you that food is on my mind more often throughout the day than my family? That's a guess, but I'm betting if I did keep track, making hash marks everytime I thought of either, I'd be further humiliated.
Most people (normal people) eat a meal or a snack when they're hungry and that's it. No further thought of when their next meal might be, or if they think they really got enough or would anybody notice if they just grabbed a little bit more of whatever was out there, just in case. Just in case? Yep, just in case every food selling establishment in civilization suddenly shut down and food would be totally unavailable. What??? It could happen. In my worst nightmare.
Normal people feel full and satisfied after eating their meal or snack. They sit back, appreciate what they just enjoyed and think about anything BUT more food. Me? Not so much. I don't feel full. I mean, I don't recognize nor respect the feeling of being full. Just because my stomach is distended and my clothes feel snug, I just am not sure I'm really full, I can probably put just a bit more in.
Because, you never know. All the food selling establishments in civilization might suddenly shut down. And I'd never feel full (or imagine what full felt like) ever again. So, like a military strategist, I start or get halfway through a meal or snack and I'm already planning the next pit stop. The next survival post. And trust me, I can afford to miss a few of those.
I know what normal should be with food, but in all honesty, I don't think I can ever remember NOT being somewhat obsessed by food. I have gone two whole days with exercising what I believe to be awesome self control. If I didn't bring it, I didn't eat it. But something strange is happening. Instead of being proud of myself and celebrating this, I feel a little bit anxious. Maybe more than a little bit. I mean, what if the kids finish off the goldfish crackers before I get a chance to get some? Or what if the candy in the cupboard (that's been there for a while) gets eaten and I've MISSED OUT??????? I feel like I might miss out on something. And that's not normal.
I need to study normal more...and figure out how to try it on without having a panic attack that sends me to the nearest fast food restaurant so I can shove a hamburger meal down my throat before going home to dinner. Because that's happened. Embarrassing.
And I'd like to be normal....at least about food.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Quieting the Dialogue and Doritos
One of the things that has been going on in my head for who knows how long is this horrible dialogue: You're fat. You look horrible. Your thighs are too big. Double chins attack! Your face is fat. And on and on. I never really realized how often that was going through my head until today.
Today I went to another meeting. I took a little longer lunch and spent the hour with a group of women who helped me quietly understand that this dialogue, it's mine. Not anyone else's, just mine. I'm my worst enemy, the biggest critic I have and the most cruel.
Not that it's just like "Voila!!!" and it's gone. But today I tried hard to recognize when I was doing this to myself. I kept a little journal with me all day and in addition to tracking my eating, I tracked my feelings (sample: OMG! DORITOS!!!! Someone put out nacho cheeseDORITOS!!!!) yes, foodcentric, but the reality of my easily diverted train of thought when something as yummy as nacho cheese Doritos make an appearance. I'm not even joking. Most girls heads turn at some beautiful jewelry, I'm a sucker for salty, cheesy snacks. So no, it's not going to be easy to change the dialogue that fast, but I made a good attempt today.
As I tracked my food, how I felt and when I was having a Dorito moment, I realized that if I just held on a few extra minutes...I was okay. No, I'm not kidding. I didn't have to be hauled away by ambulance because my heart had stopped beating....I was okay. I know, I'm still reeling at that too. I have a thousand miles to go yet, but I'm taking the first few steps and with just that, I had a peaceful few hours without the madness.
I want more of those!
Today I went to another meeting. I took a little longer lunch and spent the hour with a group of women who helped me quietly understand that this dialogue, it's mine. Not anyone else's, just mine. I'm my worst enemy, the biggest critic I have and the most cruel.
Not that it's just like "Voila!!!" and it's gone. But today I tried hard to recognize when I was doing this to myself. I kept a little journal with me all day and in addition to tracking my eating, I tracked my feelings (sample: OMG! DORITOS!!!! Someone put out nacho cheeseDORITOS!!!!) yes, foodcentric, but the reality of my easily diverted train of thought when something as yummy as nacho cheese Doritos make an appearance. I'm not even joking. Most girls heads turn at some beautiful jewelry, I'm a sucker for salty, cheesy snacks. So no, it's not going to be easy to change the dialogue that fast, but I made a good attempt today.
As I tracked my food, how I felt and when I was having a Dorito moment, I realized that if I just held on a few extra minutes...I was okay. No, I'm not kidding. I didn't have to be hauled away by ambulance because my heart had stopped beating....I was okay. I know, I'm still reeling at that too. I have a thousand miles to go yet, but I'm taking the first few steps and with just that, I had a peaceful few hours without the madness.
I want more of those!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Following Through
So I did it.
Last night I got online to check out meeting times/places for a place that I felt I needed to go today. A place to help me get a handle on where I am, what I need to do and why the hell I can't do it on my own. I was all jazzed up, got the information and went to bed with all the intentions of heading out at 7:00am to get there.
Well, this morning came and I thought "Eh, I can go next week". But the realization hit that if I didn't go today, I wouldn't go next week, and I probably really wouldn't ever go. So I got up, I got dressed, kissed my boys good bye and headed down the hill.
Let's call my destination "Out of Control Eaters Unite". To be honest, I got within a mile and suddenly felt mortified and angst ridden and humiliated and might even have had a few heart palpitations. After a text exchange with my husband, I regained my "ooomph" and off I went. I'd love to say that I swooped in full of confidence and "let's get this thing going", but as I met all these really nice recovered out of control eaters, I was eaten alive with guilt at the fact that I had stopped for a supreme croissant from Jack in The Box on the way. I was waiting for someone to smell the grease on my breath and shout "FRAUD!!!" (Yes, J.I.B. breakfasts HAVE to stop.)
But curiously, they didn't. They welcomed me with open arms and treated me as the winner of a contest for having walked in that door. I was introduced with the 3 other brave newcomers and we sat and listened to the stories of the struggles of others, the successes and the way they battled their day to day demons.
I was so inspired. I felt like this was something I could do!!! I finally felt as if someone got it. Someone understood the weird things I'd been doing (sneaking food, stashing food, coveting and dreaming of food) and didn't think I was insane. They got it. I'm really excited about the process and program with this group, I especially think that the support and understanding from them will help me be successful in my own goals. Not that it's going to be easy....I mean, I had to pass up pizza and ice cream at Costco today. But check this out: I'm still here! I didn't melt into a puddle because I didn't have it. Yay for me!
That's Day One. Lots more to come!
Last night I got online to check out meeting times/places for a place that I felt I needed to go today. A place to help me get a handle on where I am, what I need to do and why the hell I can't do it on my own. I was all jazzed up, got the information and went to bed with all the intentions of heading out at 7:00am to get there.
Well, this morning came and I thought "Eh, I can go next week". But the realization hit that if I didn't go today, I wouldn't go next week, and I probably really wouldn't ever go. So I got up, I got dressed, kissed my boys good bye and headed down the hill.
Let's call my destination "Out of Control Eaters Unite". To be honest, I got within a mile and suddenly felt mortified and angst ridden and humiliated and might even have had a few heart palpitations. After a text exchange with my husband, I regained my "ooomph" and off I went. I'd love to say that I swooped in full of confidence and "let's get this thing going", but as I met all these really nice recovered out of control eaters, I was eaten alive with guilt at the fact that I had stopped for a supreme croissant from Jack in The Box on the way. I was waiting for someone to smell the grease on my breath and shout "FRAUD!!!" (Yes, J.I.B. breakfasts HAVE to stop.)
But curiously, they didn't. They welcomed me with open arms and treated me as the winner of a contest for having walked in that door. I was introduced with the 3 other brave newcomers and we sat and listened to the stories of the struggles of others, the successes and the way they battled their day to day demons.
I was so inspired. I felt like this was something I could do!!! I finally felt as if someone got it. Someone understood the weird things I'd been doing (sneaking food, stashing food, coveting and dreaming of food) and didn't think I was insane. They got it. I'm really excited about the process and program with this group, I especially think that the support and understanding from them will help me be successful in my own goals. Not that it's going to be easy....I mean, I had to pass up pizza and ice cream at Costco today. But check this out: I'm still here! I didn't melt into a puddle because I didn't have it. Yay for me!
That's Day One. Lots more to come!
Friday, December 9, 2011
BEING FAT SUCKS
Yep, I said it.
Being fat sucks. It sucks large fat donkey balls. It sucks even more than that.
Today I had emotional fat meltdown. I had the "I hate my fat clothes, fat calf boots and I hate fat me" day. To be honest, this is a first. I've had moments and weeks where I was all about losing weight, kicking ass on the diet du jour, exercising all those fat cells till they wanted to run far, far away from me. And then I'd go back to nothing. Just let the fat cells join back up, climb on and hang on tight.
It was a sad day, a humiliating day, an embarrassing day that turned into a pretty good damn day.
Only because of my husband. See, I have been feeling this deep down, bubbling lava of hate for a while now. But it's amazing!!! I can squelch it with Hershey's kisses and lasagna and chocolate bars and, well, you get the drift. Like a drug, food lights my high for a short time, savoring the flavor, the texture, the absolute rebellious feeling of eating what I shouldn't. But then I crash. I hit that "I hate myself" phase, feel like a complete moron for giving in and make myself emotionally ill with the realization that I'm still fat, and just fed those monster fat cells more ammunition. Fuck!!! But wait!!! I know how to feel better!!!!! Hershey Kisses!!! Lasagna!!!! Chocolate bars!!!!! Chips!!!! And you can see where this goes. Plus, on bad days (and I've had my share), food ALWAYS loves me, it's always happy to see me and it's ready to be my buddy.
Today I realized (sadly and emotionally), after my 2nd breakfast, that I had had a second breakfast. That I have a lot of seconds and thirds and my thighs and ass show it. A lot. As in my fat girl jeans are starting to cry when they see me coming. That's fat. The worst part, I literally hit the bottom of my fat sadness today. And I emailed my husband with the horrible, embarrassing, humiliating truth.
I mean, he knows I'm fat, the guy sleeps in the same bed as me. But I had to admit that it's not "just hormones". It's the fact that I eat a lot of crap. A lot of chocolate, and chips and chocolate and fast food and chocolate....you know what I'm saying. But here's the worst part: I hide it. I eat all that stuff when no one is looking. I stash chocolate, I sneak food, I "revenge" eat, even though the only person suffering is me. This has to stop. Because seriously, I hate myself like this right now and I don't want to be the "big girl" everywhere I go.
And my husband, well, he's the best. He is supportive of what it's going to take for me to accomplish what I need to, he's willing to help even more than he already does with the kids so I can get to the gym, and to get to some meetings that I really need to go to. I need to get in my head and he's my number one cheerleader in doing this. And he made sure that I knew how much he loves me. He's a great man. I want to be a great woman, a healthy woman.....and definitely, a sexy woman for him.
So, part of my "recovery" is to keep up with this blog, to be real about where I'm starting (not actual pounds, I'm not THAT masochistic), my successes and my failures. I am going to outline my goals, my dreams, my setbacks and my progress. Because really, being fat sucks....even my fat clothes agree.
Being fat sucks. It sucks large fat donkey balls. It sucks even more than that.
Today I had emotional fat meltdown. I had the "I hate my fat clothes, fat calf boots and I hate fat me" day. To be honest, this is a first. I've had moments and weeks where I was all about losing weight, kicking ass on the diet du jour, exercising all those fat cells till they wanted to run far, far away from me. And then I'd go back to nothing. Just let the fat cells join back up, climb on and hang on tight.
It was a sad day, a humiliating day, an embarrassing day that turned into a pretty good damn day.
Only because of my husband. See, I have been feeling this deep down, bubbling lava of hate for a while now. But it's amazing!!! I can squelch it with Hershey's kisses and lasagna and chocolate bars and, well, you get the drift. Like a drug, food lights my high for a short time, savoring the flavor, the texture, the absolute rebellious feeling of eating what I shouldn't. But then I crash. I hit that "I hate myself" phase, feel like a complete moron for giving in and make myself emotionally ill with the realization that I'm still fat, and just fed those monster fat cells more ammunition. Fuck!!! But wait!!! I know how to feel better!!!!! Hershey Kisses!!! Lasagna!!!! Chocolate bars!!!!! Chips!!!! And you can see where this goes. Plus, on bad days (and I've had my share), food ALWAYS loves me, it's always happy to see me and it's ready to be my buddy.
Today I realized (sadly and emotionally), after my 2nd breakfast, that I had had a second breakfast. That I have a lot of seconds and thirds and my thighs and ass show it. A lot. As in my fat girl jeans are starting to cry when they see me coming. That's fat. The worst part, I literally hit the bottom of my fat sadness today. And I emailed my husband with the horrible, embarrassing, humiliating truth.
I mean, he knows I'm fat, the guy sleeps in the same bed as me. But I had to admit that it's not "just hormones". It's the fact that I eat a lot of crap. A lot of chocolate, and chips and chocolate and fast food and chocolate....you know what I'm saying. But here's the worst part: I hide it. I eat all that stuff when no one is looking. I stash chocolate, I sneak food, I "revenge" eat, even though the only person suffering is me. This has to stop. Because seriously, I hate myself like this right now and I don't want to be the "big girl" everywhere I go.
And my husband, well, he's the best. He is supportive of what it's going to take for me to accomplish what I need to, he's willing to help even more than he already does with the kids so I can get to the gym, and to get to some meetings that I really need to go to. I need to get in my head and he's my number one cheerleader in doing this. And he made sure that I knew how much he loves me. He's a great man. I want to be a great woman, a healthy woman.....and definitely, a sexy woman for him.
So, part of my "recovery" is to keep up with this blog, to be real about where I'm starting (not actual pounds, I'm not THAT masochistic), my successes and my failures. I am going to outline my goals, my dreams, my setbacks and my progress. Because really, being fat sucks....even my fat clothes agree.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Inadequate and disconnected
Inadequate is how I'm feeling lately.
I feel like I can't get done everything I want or need to. I feel like I know I should be eating better, but I'm not, I should be exercising, THAT's not happening, and I feel like I'm disconnected. I mean, I get things done, food's on the table, family taken care of, work done at my job, it's just without passion.
It's hard to describe these feelings, because it's not like I'm depressed or anything like that, but I just don't feel motivated to do what I need to do. And what makes it worse is that the trickle down effect of that is the worst. It makes me feel fat and ugly and undesirable, and if I feel like that, well.....I act like that. And you can imagine where it all goes from there.
I'm not being as nice as I could/should be, but I don't know how to make it stop. I need to take a step back and pay attention to what I need to hear inside. I'm sure there's a voice in there somewhere that can speak reasonably and get me to sit up and listen. I just need to be quiet enough, long enough, to hear it.
I read a great quote about just this sort of thing today and it's only now, nearly 12 hours later that I am remembering and realizing that I read it. It said "When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice." I think I need to do that, I've got too many voices calling out too many things, most of them not nice and directed solely at me. Not productive at all for trying to lift myself and feel better and to feel passionate about anything, and that sucks. I am a passionate person and losing my passion, well it just sucks.
I'll be working on finding and hearing that small voice so that I can feel and recognize the abundance in my life, and to feel more connected to all of it.
I feel like I can't get done everything I want or need to. I feel like I know I should be eating better, but I'm not, I should be exercising, THAT's not happening, and I feel like I'm disconnected. I mean, I get things done, food's on the table, family taken care of, work done at my job, it's just without passion.
It's hard to describe these feelings, because it's not like I'm depressed or anything like that, but I just don't feel motivated to do what I need to do. And what makes it worse is that the trickle down effect of that is the worst. It makes me feel fat and ugly and undesirable, and if I feel like that, well.....I act like that. And you can imagine where it all goes from there.
I'm not being as nice as I could/should be, but I don't know how to make it stop. I need to take a step back and pay attention to what I need to hear inside. I'm sure there's a voice in there somewhere that can speak reasonably and get me to sit up and listen. I just need to be quiet enough, long enough, to hear it.
I read a great quote about just this sort of thing today and it's only now, nearly 12 hours later that I am remembering and realizing that I read it. It said "When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice." I think I need to do that, I've got too many voices calling out too many things, most of them not nice and directed solely at me. Not productive at all for trying to lift myself and feel better and to feel passionate about anything, and that sucks. I am a passionate person and losing my passion, well it just sucks.
I'll be working on finding and hearing that small voice so that I can feel and recognize the abundance in my life, and to feel more connected to all of it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Survival and Sanity
Well, I did it . I got through the week of my "dread-aversary" and I survived. Truly, truly survived, but I had a LOT of help.
I actually shouldn't say "but", because instead it should read "because". I truly, truly survived BECAUSE I had help. This is huge for me because I don't usually ask for help, and I don't usually let people help. I'm kind of stubborn, but needy at the same time. Going into the week I really thought it was going to be hard, and horrendous and really sad. But I did something different: I put it out there, I let people know that I was still grieving and needed a little extra. And I got it.
I have friends who supported me, and who provide me with the gift of their friendship and love. I can't ask for mor than that. And my husband, well, he was the rock he always is, I don't know how he does it but I'm so grateful for him. And of course my family, just knowing they were there gave me comfort.
I also did a mini 7 day Muchness challenge, just to keep my head and emotions above water, and that really helped. If you've never looked, go to http://www.findingmymuchness.com/, it's amazing!
I'm glad, I'm happy and I'm okay....my week went well and I feel relatively unscathed. Way better than I could have hoped for as the week had approached. My sanity is intact and I head to the next challenge....my tubal ligation. Lots of mixed feelings there, but I'll address that later. For now, I'm going to smile.
I actually shouldn't say "but", because instead it should read "because". I truly, truly survived BECAUSE I had help. This is huge for me because I don't usually ask for help, and I don't usually let people help. I'm kind of stubborn, but needy at the same time. Going into the week I really thought it was going to be hard, and horrendous and really sad. But I did something different: I put it out there, I let people know that I was still grieving and needed a little extra. And I got it.
I have friends who supported me, and who provide me with the gift of their friendship and love. I can't ask for mor than that. And my husband, well, he was the rock he always is, I don't know how he does it but I'm so grateful for him. And of course my family, just knowing they were there gave me comfort.
I also did a mini 7 day Muchness challenge, just to keep my head and emotions above water, and that really helped. If you've never looked, go to http://www.findingmymuchness.com/, it's amazing!
I'm glad, I'm happy and I'm okay....my week went well and I feel relatively unscathed. Way better than I could have hoped for as the week had approached. My sanity is intact and I head to the next challenge....my tubal ligation. Lots of mixed feelings there, but I'll address that later. For now, I'm going to smile.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Heading Into the Danger Zone
It's coming.
That day. The one year "anniversary". And I can't stop it. I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it. Because trust me, I've tried. I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.
But I'm wrong. It is in the back of my mind constantly. I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside. It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage. A year? A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.
I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is. It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today. I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to". Not happening.
So I thought about something. When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week. I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day. Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be). So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.
That day. The one year "anniversary". And I can't stop it. I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it. Because trust me, I've tried. I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.
But I'm wrong. It is in the back of my mind constantly. I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside. It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage. A year? A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.
I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is. It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today. I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to". Not happening.
So I thought about something. When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week. I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day. Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be). So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
A Time for Grieving and A Time For Change
So I have come to the realization that it is time for more change.
The first, and largest of my changes, is that I have decided to get my tubes tied. Yep, that's huge. But it's a decision that I made a while ago. After we lost the pregnancy in September, and then decided to try once more, I knew that if that pregnancy wasn't successful (and it wasn't), I couldn't continue to try anymore. It's too hard emotionally, and physically. My body is tired, my heart is wounded and together that means no more.
There is a certain amount of grieving that is happening with this decision though. Although I know that I can't continue the sad path of more potential lost babies, I know that in doing this, I can't try for more babies. It's a weird conundrum to be in, tubal ligation is so final, but I can't stand the idea of being on birth control for the next 10+ years. The thought of the hormones and ugh....anyway. And a lot of people have asked why I'd do this instead of having hubby get a vasectomy. I just would rather, that's how I feel and so this is what we'll do.
I have three weeks until my surgery date, and I imagine I'll run through a variety of emotions leading up to it, and to be honest, thinking of being on that gurney and having it done, it makes me cry. It makes me sad and it is a little depressing. But I can handle those because they are at the nth degree of pain and sadness and depression that losing another precious baby would produce. And so it is the lesser of two evils.
For now, I just want/need/BEG my body to get over the process of this miscarriage. It is hard both physically and emotionally to get through it and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing proof of not having another baby and I'm tired of feeling like crap, it's like I have this insane PMS that will NOT go away. And as I'm saying or doing things that I know are due to that, I still can't stop myself. All I can do is apologize afterward and hope that I am forgiven. I am sick of hormones and all the lovely (helloooo sarcasm) things my body is doing. Over it.
So, as both my heart and my body heal, I am looking to the future. I am looking to how I can take better care of myself, physically and emotionally. I have some ideas, the obvious (weight loss) and the not so obvious (what can I do differently?). As I figure them out, you'll read about it here, I miss blogging my 30 days of Muchness and I am looking forward to continuing it here. My baby blog :-)
The first, and largest of my changes, is that I have decided to get my tubes tied. Yep, that's huge. But it's a decision that I made a while ago. After we lost the pregnancy in September, and then decided to try once more, I knew that if that pregnancy wasn't successful (and it wasn't), I couldn't continue to try anymore. It's too hard emotionally, and physically. My body is tired, my heart is wounded and together that means no more.
There is a certain amount of grieving that is happening with this decision though. Although I know that I can't continue the sad path of more potential lost babies, I know that in doing this, I can't try for more babies. It's a weird conundrum to be in, tubal ligation is so final, but I can't stand the idea of being on birth control for the next 10+ years. The thought of the hormones and ugh....anyway. And a lot of people have asked why I'd do this instead of having hubby get a vasectomy. I just would rather, that's how I feel and so this is what we'll do.
I have three weeks until my surgery date, and I imagine I'll run through a variety of emotions leading up to it, and to be honest, thinking of being on that gurney and having it done, it makes me cry. It makes me sad and it is a little depressing. But I can handle those because they are at the nth degree of pain and sadness and depression that losing another precious baby would produce. And so it is the lesser of two evils.
For now, I just want/need/BEG my body to get over the process of this miscarriage. It is hard both physically and emotionally to get through it and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing proof of not having another baby and I'm tired of feeling like crap, it's like I have this insane PMS that will NOT go away. And as I'm saying or doing things that I know are due to that, I still can't stop myself. All I can do is apologize afterward and hope that I am forgiven. I am sick of hormones and all the lovely (helloooo sarcasm) things my body is doing. Over it.
So, as both my heart and my body heal, I am looking to the future. I am looking to how I can take better care of myself, physically and emotionally. I have some ideas, the obvious (weight loss) and the not so obvious (what can I do differently?). As I figure them out, you'll read about it here, I miss blogging my 30 days of Muchness and I am looking forward to continuing it here. My baby blog :-)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I will be back!
Today finishes my 30 day challenge....and back to my baby blog :-) After a good night sleep though!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Where to start?.....again
It's been so long since I've actively typed in here, and starting my 30 day challenge to find my Muchness has got me thinking. I'm enjoying that process, I'm learning a lot about myself, but in all honesty, I think I need a LOT more than 30 days to sort out the swirl in my brain.
I am finding myself more able and willing to look at things differently. Simple things such as not caring if someone got ahead of me in line, or having to wait an extra few minutes for something. I find those extra moments to be a small bonus in my day, an extra bit of time to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me. Is that always good? Not exactly, but I noticed them. I would never have noticed them before.
I also find myself being a tiny bit blah though at the same time. But it's an emotional blah, not a lack of muchness, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like maybe things aren't going just exactly the way I want or expect them to. And I get that this will be the case often, I have small children and a full time job, flexibility HAS to be a way of life. But more emotionally. And physically. Physically is a big one, because if I don't feel happy physically, I feel crappy emotionally. It's all tied together and I'm having a hell of time getting balance this last week or so. Where the hell is my ability to just go for it? To just ask??? Kind of back to square one in some regards.
Who knows, but at least this time I'm asking the questions instead of putting on a face. They're tough questions in my head and maybe, just maybe, I'll get the courage to ask them out loud. Maybe.
I am finding myself more able and willing to look at things differently. Simple things such as not caring if someone got ahead of me in line, or having to wait an extra few minutes for something. I find those extra moments to be a small bonus in my day, an extra bit of time to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me. Is that always good? Not exactly, but I noticed them. I would never have noticed them before.
I also find myself being a tiny bit blah though at the same time. But it's an emotional blah, not a lack of muchness, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like maybe things aren't going just exactly the way I want or expect them to. And I get that this will be the case often, I have small children and a full time job, flexibility HAS to be a way of life. But more emotionally. And physically. Physically is a big one, because if I don't feel happy physically, I feel crappy emotionally. It's all tied together and I'm having a hell of time getting balance this last week or so. Where the hell is my ability to just go for it? To just ask??? Kind of back to square one in some regards.
Who knows, but at least this time I'm asking the questions instead of putting on a face. They're tough questions in my head and maybe, just maybe, I'll get the courage to ask them out loud. Maybe.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Decisions
It's decision time. Time is getting shorter, and that is not kind for me. My clock is ticking, literally. I really, really, REALLY want to have another baby. I want to be pregnant, to feel that life growing inside me, to share the movement with my husband and two boys. I want to be excited and plan and be anxious and all the normal feelings that go along with it. I want to glow and to be heavy with baby, I'd happily take the back pain, the swelling feet, the nausea, whatever came my way....but time is running out....I'm not getting any younger.
But I don't know. I'm scared of the other scary things: the high, high odds of another Trisomy 18 baby, having to wait 10 grueling weeks to know if that was the case. To not be able to share my joy, my fear and my hopes with my friends and family until I knew what I needed to know. To find out that we have to make another horrible, sad, tragic and heartbreaking choice. I try to imagine that going into it being educated about the possibility could make it easier. Yes, testing earlier makes things easier physically, but honestly, can my heart take another loss like losing our baby girl in September? Does being educated help that? I don't think so. Granted, the blindsiding train wouldn't hit like last time, but I don't know if I could recover again emotionally. It still feels so raw some days. It feels like yesterday and it feels like a year ago.
My heart aches for my lost little blue butterfly girl, and it aches for the possibilities. But it aches even more to imagine releasing two butterflies into the universe. I have a decision to make
But I don't know. I'm scared of the other scary things: the high, high odds of another Trisomy 18 baby, having to wait 10 grueling weeks to know if that was the case. To not be able to share my joy, my fear and my hopes with my friends and family until I knew what I needed to know. To find out that we have to make another horrible, sad, tragic and heartbreaking choice. I try to imagine that going into it being educated about the possibility could make it easier. Yes, testing earlier makes things easier physically, but honestly, can my heart take another loss like losing our baby girl in September? Does being educated help that? I don't think so. Granted, the blindsiding train wouldn't hit like last time, but I don't know if I could recover again emotionally. It still feels so raw some days. It feels like yesterday and it feels like a year ago.
My heart aches for my lost little blue butterfly girl, and it aches for the possibilities. But it aches even more to imagine releasing two butterflies into the universe. I have a decision to make
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Year
So today is Valentine's Day. I see messages from people all over Facebook exclaiming their love and thanking their spouses/significant others for their gifts, flowers, dinners, etc. It's beautiful, it's touching, and I wouldn't have any of it.
See, I'm lucky. So lucky. Lucky and fortunate to have a husband who tells me everyday that he loves me. And to have a husband that does things everyday to show me he loves me. He loves our children, he loves me, and he shows and tells us everyday. So yes, I have Valentine's Year.
Lucky Me!!!!!
See, I'm lucky. So lucky. Lucky and fortunate to have a husband who tells me everyday that he loves me. And to have a husband that does things everyday to show me he loves me. He loves our children, he loves me, and he shows and tells us everyday. So yes, I have Valentine's Year.
Lucky Me!!!!!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Because and Really
Really? I'm here again? Trying to explain myself TO myself and wondering how the hell I've managed to STILL not do anything. Okay, so I've felt like crap, but again, still an excuse. I have a lot of them.
I know the why, the what, the how...I just need the get off my ass pill. You'd think that given how it makes me feel, and the repercussions of it, that'd be enough. I think I just feel like I can't get my arms around it to get motivated. I need motivation. Something positive, not "Because I'm too fat" "Because I hate looking at myself" "Because I'm scared to be naked"...those all seem so negative. I need to go back and re-read about being kind to my body, loving it instead of flogging it. Maybe that's where I go from here. Wish me luck. Because I'm too fat, I hate looking at myself and I'm scared to be naked. Really.
I know the why, the what, the how...I just need the get off my ass pill. You'd think that given how it makes me feel, and the repercussions of it, that'd be enough. I think I just feel like I can't get my arms around it to get motivated. I need motivation. Something positive, not "Because I'm too fat" "Because I hate looking at myself" "Because I'm scared to be naked"...those all seem so negative. I need to go back and re-read about being kind to my body, loving it instead of flogging it. Maybe that's where I go from here. Wish me luck. Because I'm too fat, I hate looking at myself and I'm scared to be naked. Really.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Hypocrite
I feel like such a hypocrite. For all my "I'm in charge" "I had an epiphany"....I haven't done shit about it. Mind you, my ankle hurts like crazy and my lungs, throat and nose are not playing nice. But all still some sort of an excuse I guess.
And a hypocrite about some feelings. I have to act okay about things, I have to. But I hate *it*, I hate that I smile and say "That's nice" when I hear things about *it*, but inside I wish I didn't have to hear. But I do. Because if I don't, I make things up and imagine the worst. Not only a hypocrite, a paranoid hypocrite. And for no reason. None at all. And when it's all said and done, none of *it* really matters. At all. But I must say that going for a few days without thinking of that thing and then WHAM I hear about *it*, makes me feel ugly inside again. That's not right.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because I feel like crap. Let's hope the next couple days get better.
And a hypocrite about some feelings. I have to act okay about things, I have to. But I hate *it*, I hate that I smile and say "That's nice" when I hear things about *it*, but inside I wish I didn't have to hear. But I do. Because if I don't, I make things up and imagine the worst. Not only a hypocrite, a paranoid hypocrite. And for no reason. None at all. And when it's all said and done, none of *it* really matters. At all. But I must say that going for a few days without thinking of that thing and then WHAM I hear about *it*, makes me feel ugly inside again. That's not right.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because I feel like crap. Let's hope the next couple days get better.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Who's in charge here?
I noticed today that for probably about the millionth time since things started to go south last year I said these words "...last year made me (insert: sad, fat, mean, etc.)"
Wait a minute! Wait a freaking minute! How in the world could a year, a year???? take anything from me? Or do anything to me? You can't touch a year, you can't yell at a year, you can't put it on time out....how the hell can it do anything TO me?
I realized, I had to have given the year permission to do that, and to be in charge of me, and I did. No sirreeee....no one else is in charge of me. It took me a long time to realize and recognize and live that, yet I let the last year be in charge of me.
So, I hereby take control away from any year...and I'm in charge now. I will not allow a nameless, faceless thing determine if and how I can be happy. Now we know who's in charge here!
Wait a minute! Wait a freaking minute! How in the world could a year, a year???? take anything from me? Or do anything to me? You can't touch a year, you can't yell at a year, you can't put it on time out....how the hell can it do anything TO me?
I realized, I had to have given the year permission to do that, and to be in charge of me, and I did. No sirreeee....no one else is in charge of me. It took me a long time to realize and recognize and live that, yet I let the last year be in charge of me.
So, I hereby take control away from any year...and I'm in charge now. I will not allow a nameless, faceless thing determine if and how I can be happy. Now we know who's in charge here!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Remembering
So I know the steps are small...and I have to take them every day to keep on track. So I'm typing here today simply to remind myself that I can do this. I've done this before and I can do it again. I need to remember that I'm doing this for my health, not just vanity, and that not putting something in my mouth is NOT deprivation, it's healthy. It's helping me achieve my goal of 1) respecting and taking care of my body 2) respecting and taking care of ME....all of me.
I want to be able to come to my blog and talk about my successes, not just physical but emotional. So I'm going to count coming here to blog instead of going to the second floor for a donut a success...maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for.
I want to be able to come to my blog and talk about my successes, not just physical but emotional. So I'm going to count coming here to blog instead of going to the second floor for a donut a success...maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
One step at a time
Today was a good day....with a lot of steps in between.
I have to figure out when to get upset, and when not to. I think I waste a lot of energy (mine and other people's) when I take something either wrong, too personally or whatever the case may be. It's another one of those "add to the list" items.
But my focus today was on what it felt like to be out in the fresh air, the waves crashing, the sun shining and the cold breeze blowing. Trying to think of how my body was taking me where I wanted to go, walking toward the water, bending over to find precious sand dollars, lifting my boys and being able to laugh and smile as they enjoyed running up and down the beach. I had to think of how strong it is to lift my sons, carry them for any distance. Have my arms open and ready when someone falls, needs a hug or just wants to be held for a minute. These are important things my body did for me today, and for that, it deserves some kindness and healthy treatment.
This was a weekend for the outdoors, and we used it. We took advantage of beautiful weather in the mountains for a hike yesterday, and another fantastic day down at the beach today. And my body took care of me both times...so I'm going to treat it well so I can have another weekend like this soon. And so with that, my gym back is packed, healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed and maybe, just maybe....a little respect for my body is there too.
So, one step at a time, one hike at a time, and if I'm lucky...one sexy romp at a time. If a girl's gonna have an appetite, she's gotta have fun goals too right? :-)
I have to figure out when to get upset, and when not to. I think I waste a lot of energy (mine and other people's) when I take something either wrong, too personally or whatever the case may be. It's another one of those "add to the list" items.
But my focus today was on what it felt like to be out in the fresh air, the waves crashing, the sun shining and the cold breeze blowing. Trying to think of how my body was taking me where I wanted to go, walking toward the water, bending over to find precious sand dollars, lifting my boys and being able to laugh and smile as they enjoyed running up and down the beach. I had to think of how strong it is to lift my sons, carry them for any distance. Have my arms open and ready when someone falls, needs a hug or just wants to be held for a minute. These are important things my body did for me today, and for that, it deserves some kindness and healthy treatment.
This was a weekend for the outdoors, and we used it. We took advantage of beautiful weather in the mountains for a hike yesterday, and another fantastic day down at the beach today. And my body took care of me both times...so I'm going to treat it well so I can have another weekend like this soon. And so with that, my gym back is packed, healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed and maybe, just maybe....a little respect for my body is there too.
So, one step at a time, one hike at a time, and if I'm lucky...one sexy romp at a time. If a girl's gonna have an appetite, she's gotta have fun goals too right? :-)
Goals
My goals this week are short and sweet:
1) Forgive my body
There...if I can do that, I can begin the rest of this journey.....here goes.
1) Forgive my body
There...if I can do that, I can begin the rest of this journey.....here goes.
Friday, January 7, 2011
An epiphany (originally titled New Direction...ironically the post took a new direction to my epiphany)
Well....I did it. Some sort of accomplishment in that I got to the gym twice this week. It's hard to get back again, the getting up early and being motivated to start the day with exercise. In reality, that part isn't all that hard for me, it's the being organized enough the night before to get all stuff together to make it happen.
But it was SO worth it. I mean, I know how good it is for me to go do my workout, not just physically but emotionally as well. The achey hamstrings from "climbing hills" are signs to me that I did do a decent workout, and that I obviously need to do more. A lot more. But twice this week is a start. Hopefully next week will be three times. It's amazing how much more energy I have during the day from that 30-45 minutes of huffing and puffing.
As for the emotional part...well, I guess it's the cliche' response of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself makes me feel good. But it's so true. Obviously I'm far away from being where I really want to be physically, but I find that I feel just a teensy bit better (read: sexier, prettier, fit...etc.) just from getting to the gym this week.
It's crazy how much this ties into my feelings of the whole "sexier, prettier, fit....etc.". Not having any like for my body right now makes it really hard to want to be the aggressor. To be that visible. Ugh. Seriously ugh. But I need to get past it, and work my mojo and get my confidence back. I mean, I love my body. Not the way it looks but I love the fact that it bore my two sons, I mean, what a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous thing it did with those two boys. And it tried like hell to give me more....so not only do I love it for that, I have to also be forgiving with it.
There is where I struggle. Maybe that's why I don't have the motivation. Somewhere deep down I feel like this body failed me. The ovaries, the eggs and the body that made them. Does it then deserve to be taken care of or treated with respect? I think I've hit on something here, quite by accident while typing. This is something I am going to have to give some thought. Because for as long as I've struggled with the loss of the first baby in April, through the loss of Caoimhe in September, I think I've been pissed at my body. Seriously pissed. In fact, really fucking pissed. Maybe it's time to look at how to forgive it. How to be gentle with it and take care of it. But I'm still pissed.
This is an epiphany. I really believe this must be an issue. I had to switch over to the forum where I post with other women who've gone through what I did and ask if this is normal? Am I normal? I really need to ponder this.
I came on here tonight not knowing what I might write about, and this is the beauty of the blog...it flows and from it I've learned something. Now, to take action.
But it was SO worth it. I mean, I know how good it is for me to go do my workout, not just physically but emotionally as well. The achey hamstrings from "climbing hills" are signs to me that I did do a decent workout, and that I obviously need to do more. A lot more. But twice this week is a start. Hopefully next week will be three times. It's amazing how much more energy I have during the day from that 30-45 minutes of huffing and puffing.
As for the emotional part...well, I guess it's the cliche' response of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself makes me feel good. But it's so true. Obviously I'm far away from being where I really want to be physically, but I find that I feel just a teensy bit better (read: sexier, prettier, fit...etc.) just from getting to the gym this week.
It's crazy how much this ties into my feelings of the whole "sexier, prettier, fit....etc.". Not having any like for my body right now makes it really hard to want to be the aggressor. To be that visible. Ugh. Seriously ugh. But I need to get past it, and work my mojo and get my confidence back. I mean, I love my body. Not the way it looks but I love the fact that it bore my two sons, I mean, what a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous thing it did with those two boys. And it tried like hell to give me more....so not only do I love it for that, I have to also be forgiving with it.
There is where I struggle. Maybe that's why I don't have the motivation. Somewhere deep down I feel like this body failed me. The ovaries, the eggs and the body that made them. Does it then deserve to be taken care of or treated with respect? I think I've hit on something here, quite by accident while typing. This is something I am going to have to give some thought. Because for as long as I've struggled with the loss of the first baby in April, through the loss of Caoimhe in September, I think I've been pissed at my body. Seriously pissed. In fact, really fucking pissed. Maybe it's time to look at how to forgive it. How to be gentle with it and take care of it. But I'm still pissed.
This is an epiphany. I really believe this must be an issue. I had to switch over to the forum where I post with other women who've gone through what I did and ask if this is normal? Am I normal? I really need to ponder this.
I came on here tonight not knowing what I might write about, and this is the beauty of the blog...it flows and from it I've learned something. Now, to take action.
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