I feel like such a hypocrite. For all my "I'm in charge" "I had an epiphany"....I haven't done shit about it. Mind you, my ankle hurts like crazy and my lungs, throat and nose are not playing nice. But all still some sort of an excuse I guess.
And a hypocrite about some feelings. I have to act okay about things, I have to. But I hate *it*, I hate that I smile and say "That's nice" when I hear things about *it*, but inside I wish I didn't have to hear. But I do. Because if I don't, I make things up and imagine the worst. Not only a hypocrite, a paranoid hypocrite. And for no reason. None at all. And when it's all said and done, none of *it* really matters. At all. But I must say that going for a few days without thinking of that thing and then WHAM I hear about *it*, makes me feel ugly inside again. That's not right.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because I feel like crap. Let's hope the next couple days get better.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Who's in charge here?
I noticed today that for probably about the millionth time since things started to go south last year I said these words "...last year made me (insert: sad, fat, mean, etc.)"
Wait a minute! Wait a freaking minute! How in the world could a year, a year???? take anything from me? Or do anything to me? You can't touch a year, you can't yell at a year, you can't put it on time out....how the hell can it do anything TO me?
I realized, I had to have given the year permission to do that, and to be in charge of me, and I did. No sirreeee....no one else is in charge of me. It took me a long time to realize and recognize and live that, yet I let the last year be in charge of me.
So, I hereby take control away from any year...and I'm in charge now. I will not allow a nameless, faceless thing determine if and how I can be happy. Now we know who's in charge here!
Wait a minute! Wait a freaking minute! How in the world could a year, a year???? take anything from me? Or do anything to me? You can't touch a year, you can't yell at a year, you can't put it on time out....how the hell can it do anything TO me?
I realized, I had to have given the year permission to do that, and to be in charge of me, and I did. No sirreeee....no one else is in charge of me. It took me a long time to realize and recognize and live that, yet I let the last year be in charge of me.
So, I hereby take control away from any year...and I'm in charge now. I will not allow a nameless, faceless thing determine if and how I can be happy. Now we know who's in charge here!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Remembering
So I know the steps are small...and I have to take them every day to keep on track. So I'm typing here today simply to remind myself that I can do this. I've done this before and I can do it again. I need to remember that I'm doing this for my health, not just vanity, and that not putting something in my mouth is NOT deprivation, it's healthy. It's helping me achieve my goal of 1) respecting and taking care of my body 2) respecting and taking care of ME....all of me.
I want to be able to come to my blog and talk about my successes, not just physical but emotional. So I'm going to count coming here to blog instead of going to the second floor for a donut a success...maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for.
I want to be able to come to my blog and talk about my successes, not just physical but emotional. So I'm going to count coming here to blog instead of going to the second floor for a donut a success...maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
One step at a time
Today was a good day....with a lot of steps in between.
I have to figure out when to get upset, and when not to. I think I waste a lot of energy (mine and other people's) when I take something either wrong, too personally or whatever the case may be. It's another one of those "add to the list" items.
But my focus today was on what it felt like to be out in the fresh air, the waves crashing, the sun shining and the cold breeze blowing. Trying to think of how my body was taking me where I wanted to go, walking toward the water, bending over to find precious sand dollars, lifting my boys and being able to laugh and smile as they enjoyed running up and down the beach. I had to think of how strong it is to lift my sons, carry them for any distance. Have my arms open and ready when someone falls, needs a hug or just wants to be held for a minute. These are important things my body did for me today, and for that, it deserves some kindness and healthy treatment.
This was a weekend for the outdoors, and we used it. We took advantage of beautiful weather in the mountains for a hike yesterday, and another fantastic day down at the beach today. And my body took care of me both times...so I'm going to treat it well so I can have another weekend like this soon. And so with that, my gym back is packed, healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed and maybe, just maybe....a little respect for my body is there too.
So, one step at a time, one hike at a time, and if I'm lucky...one sexy romp at a time. If a girl's gonna have an appetite, she's gotta have fun goals too right? :-)
I have to figure out when to get upset, and when not to. I think I waste a lot of energy (mine and other people's) when I take something either wrong, too personally or whatever the case may be. It's another one of those "add to the list" items.
But my focus today was on what it felt like to be out in the fresh air, the waves crashing, the sun shining and the cold breeze blowing. Trying to think of how my body was taking me where I wanted to go, walking toward the water, bending over to find precious sand dollars, lifting my boys and being able to laugh and smile as they enjoyed running up and down the beach. I had to think of how strong it is to lift my sons, carry them for any distance. Have my arms open and ready when someone falls, needs a hug or just wants to be held for a minute. These are important things my body did for me today, and for that, it deserves some kindness and healthy treatment.
This was a weekend for the outdoors, and we used it. We took advantage of beautiful weather in the mountains for a hike yesterday, and another fantastic day down at the beach today. And my body took care of me both times...so I'm going to treat it well so I can have another weekend like this soon. And so with that, my gym back is packed, healthy breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed and maybe, just maybe....a little respect for my body is there too.
So, one step at a time, one hike at a time, and if I'm lucky...one sexy romp at a time. If a girl's gonna have an appetite, she's gotta have fun goals too right? :-)
Goals
My goals this week are short and sweet:
1) Forgive my body
There...if I can do that, I can begin the rest of this journey.....here goes.
1) Forgive my body
There...if I can do that, I can begin the rest of this journey.....here goes.
Friday, January 7, 2011
An epiphany (originally titled New Direction...ironically the post took a new direction to my epiphany)
Well....I did it. Some sort of accomplishment in that I got to the gym twice this week. It's hard to get back again, the getting up early and being motivated to start the day with exercise. In reality, that part isn't all that hard for me, it's the being organized enough the night before to get all stuff together to make it happen.
But it was SO worth it. I mean, I know how good it is for me to go do my workout, not just physically but emotionally as well. The achey hamstrings from "climbing hills" are signs to me that I did do a decent workout, and that I obviously need to do more. A lot more. But twice this week is a start. Hopefully next week will be three times. It's amazing how much more energy I have during the day from that 30-45 minutes of huffing and puffing.
As for the emotional part...well, I guess it's the cliche' response of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself makes me feel good. But it's so true. Obviously I'm far away from being where I really want to be physically, but I find that I feel just a teensy bit better (read: sexier, prettier, fit...etc.) just from getting to the gym this week.
It's crazy how much this ties into my feelings of the whole "sexier, prettier, fit....etc.". Not having any like for my body right now makes it really hard to want to be the aggressor. To be that visible. Ugh. Seriously ugh. But I need to get past it, and work my mojo and get my confidence back. I mean, I love my body. Not the way it looks but I love the fact that it bore my two sons, I mean, what a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous thing it did with those two boys. And it tried like hell to give me more....so not only do I love it for that, I have to also be forgiving with it.
There is where I struggle. Maybe that's why I don't have the motivation. Somewhere deep down I feel like this body failed me. The ovaries, the eggs and the body that made them. Does it then deserve to be taken care of or treated with respect? I think I've hit on something here, quite by accident while typing. This is something I am going to have to give some thought. Because for as long as I've struggled with the loss of the first baby in April, through the loss of Caoimhe in September, I think I've been pissed at my body. Seriously pissed. In fact, really fucking pissed. Maybe it's time to look at how to forgive it. How to be gentle with it and take care of it. But I'm still pissed.
This is an epiphany. I really believe this must be an issue. I had to switch over to the forum where I post with other women who've gone through what I did and ask if this is normal? Am I normal? I really need to ponder this.
I came on here tonight not knowing what I might write about, and this is the beauty of the blog...it flows and from it I've learned something. Now, to take action.
But it was SO worth it. I mean, I know how good it is for me to go do my workout, not just physically but emotionally as well. The achey hamstrings from "climbing hills" are signs to me that I did do a decent workout, and that I obviously need to do more. A lot more. But twice this week is a start. Hopefully next week will be three times. It's amazing how much more energy I have during the day from that 30-45 minutes of huffing and puffing.
As for the emotional part...well, I guess it's the cliche' response of knowing that I'm doing something good for myself makes me feel good. But it's so true. Obviously I'm far away from being where I really want to be physically, but I find that I feel just a teensy bit better (read: sexier, prettier, fit...etc.) just from getting to the gym this week.
It's crazy how much this ties into my feelings of the whole "sexier, prettier, fit....etc.". Not having any like for my body right now makes it really hard to want to be the aggressor. To be that visible. Ugh. Seriously ugh. But I need to get past it, and work my mojo and get my confidence back. I mean, I love my body. Not the way it looks but I love the fact that it bore my two sons, I mean, what a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous thing it did with those two boys. And it tried like hell to give me more....so not only do I love it for that, I have to also be forgiving with it.
There is where I struggle. Maybe that's why I don't have the motivation. Somewhere deep down I feel like this body failed me. The ovaries, the eggs and the body that made them. Does it then deserve to be taken care of or treated with respect? I think I've hit on something here, quite by accident while typing. This is something I am going to have to give some thought. Because for as long as I've struggled with the loss of the first baby in April, through the loss of Caoimhe in September, I think I've been pissed at my body. Seriously pissed. In fact, really fucking pissed. Maybe it's time to look at how to forgive it. How to be gentle with it and take care of it. But I'm still pissed.
This is an epiphany. I really believe this must be an issue. I had to switch over to the forum where I post with other women who've gone through what I did and ask if this is normal? Am I normal? I really need to ponder this.
I came on here tonight not knowing what I might write about, and this is the beauty of the blog...it flows and from it I've learned something. Now, to take action.
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