Taking responsibility....and grief

So, I keep talking about anger,sadness, and disappointment.  Maybe I haven't said the word disappointment, but I've felt it.  I feel as though I'm angry at other people and situations.  I'm saddened by events and occurrences....some that are out of my control, some that are maybe within my control to some degree. 

I've felt disappointment.  Disappointment in myself, often.  Disappointment in others, often enough.  The disappointment in myself can range from all the food I felt I ate in a day that was "wrong", to the way I look, to the way I might have behaved in a situation.  Disappointment in others, well, it could be at the way I was treated, or at the feeling of rejection or of not being "good enough, skinny enough....just about anything enough". 

But today I thought about it and I need to stop blaming everyone else, or holding them responsible for the way I feel.  Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".  How true is that???  And I have that on a magnet on my refrigerator and I don't read it, I see it, but I don't read it.  And if I'm not reading it, how can I be living it?  So it's time for me to take responsibility for the way I feel about myself.  It's not the job of my husband to make me feel good, it's not the job of my family to talk to me the way I think they should.  I need to figure out how to take responsibility for my own emotions and not give consent to anyone or anything to make me feel inferior.

But a part of this post is grief.  Grief is a feeling beyond control, mine or anyone's.  Grief for a lost baby girl, for a dream lost.  And what triggers it...who knows?  Today, the fact that a wonderful friend of mine is having her baby tonight....and mine is in heaven.  Not fair in any book.  I'm so unbelievably sad that I can't even find the words for it.  So I will cry, and I will grieve....again.  How much grief is too much?  How long is too long?  I just don't know....for that, I can't take responsibility.

Angry

What is anger?  What purpose does it serve?  Does it eventually heal itself?  It doesn't need much in the way of nutrition to stay alive.  And it can live FOREVER, or so it seems.  According to many who know me, I am not an angry or difficult person.  To other people (hypothetically parents and sisters) I am angry and hold a grudge.  So how the hell do I address this?  My mother's suggestion:  therapy.  My sisters:  ignore it.  My Dad:  who knows, he thinks I'm jealous of my new found brother (adopted out at birth by my mother).  Does he even stop to think about WHO initiated that search?  And that I sincerely do not feel anger at his need for my mom's time?  Or that I'm actually grateful for his attention to her so I don't have to be the primary attention giver?

Anyway, there have been many times in my life when I've been angry.  Angry at the nerve of a man who was supposed to love and protect me to lay his hands on me.  Angry at the person who took advantage of a friendship for her own gains.  And angry at other people as well....but those angers drove me to change my life, to improve my situation and to DO SOMETHING.

But this anger, this anger I'm not fully aware of but have been accused of having, how do I approach it or deal with it if I don't even know for sure if, how or where it exists?  How do I determine who/what has/had caused it or is feeding it?  Because to be honest, I don't feel it 99% of the time....and the 1% I do, it's a pretty obvious trigger.  But deep seeded and seething....I don't get that. 

I prefer not to be angry in my life, I'm enjoying that I now have a life of love and happy days, kisses, hugs and friends.  I don't want drama, and unlike my "previous life" I don't invite drama.  If I can see it coming, I slam the door and barricade it shut because in my life, it's just not welcome.  Is that hiding?  I don't think so, I think it's simply saying "NO" to something unwanted.  Not to say I haven't had angry moments/hours/days in the recent past.  Not to say that I have always behaved perfectly and not to say that I've handled all of that exactly the way an expert might have recommended, but I did handle it.  It wasn't always pretty (okay, mostly wasn't pretty at all) and many hurts happened before the healing could, but the healing did prevail.  It wasn't easy, it took personal work and team work and trust and love and all that, but I did it.

Why can't I do that with my sisters?  My mom?  My dad?  Is there a fear they'll decide I'm not worth the bother?  Will they stop loving me?  Absurd.  But they could stop liking me.  And some days, I'd be okay with that.  And that makes me angry.

Irony

How do you slow down your appetite?  Do you feed it?  Do you ignore it?  Do you pretend you don't see it, hear it, FEEL it?  Or do you confront it head on? 

My first instinct is to face it head on...but fear gets in the way.  And fear is huge.  Bigger than the appetite, yet it doesn't stifle it....they compete and that just sucks.  And it's frustrating.  I get frustrated with myself for not opening my mouth or using the voice I so bragged about 3 days ago, and I get frustrated that I have to.  Seems I'm a conundrum any way you look at it.

All I know is that I need to get rid of both, and yet to succeed, I need them both...aaauuggghhhhhhh

Maybe I just need to go to bed and sleep on it....hahahahaha....the irony.

Being thankful

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to be thankful for, my husband, my children, our health, our extended families and our jobs.  But this Thanksgiving, I'm also thankful for surviving.

Yes, surviving.  That could be in regards to the last year, the last 6 months, and the last week.  This time last year I was an emotional wreck, partially (mostly) my own doing, but a wreck nonetheless.  April and May had their extreme sadness and September with it's own drama.  I feel like I've done a lot of backwards movement, but lately, the forward movement is finally getting more attention and is gaining ground.  I'm thankful that I have a husband who, despite being so frustrated with me, stuck by me and heard me out.  I'm thankful that he gave me the space and the support to seek the help that I needed, and I'm thankful that I used both. 

I'm so thankful for the hugs my boys give me randomly, as well as when we greet and have to leave one another. I'm thankful that they say "I love you" to me, my husband and each other at odd moments and with complete and total trust that it is returned, and without embarrassment or shyness.  I'm thankful that every night when my husband and I climb into bed, we kiss goodnight and hold hands or touch as we fall asleep. 

It's also been a year of surprises and discoveries.  Surprises like finding a brother, old friends and new ones where I never expected.  And of finding in myself talents and strengths I never knew I had.  And discoveries of new family members, new emotions and personalities.  I'm thankful that I've been able to witness and experience these, both on my own and with my family.

And I'm thankful for finding my voice.  For facing many of my fears and determining how I needed to handle adversity.  I'm not 100% at using my voice yet, I still scare myself with the possible repercussions of saying what I might really mean, or really want, but baby steps....it might just be a whisper for now, but I hope it will get louder.  But I've used it to confront old family issues, raise new ones and to stand up for myself. 

So I'm thankful for a lot of things, a lot of people and a lot of experiences.  But mostly, I'm thankful that I was here to see and be a part of it all.  And to share it with the people I have.  I'm going to try to spend my day remembering that.

Sigh

Oh my gosh, I'm lagging so bad.  And I've so needed to get on here.  Things are good, it's not like I have anything to complain about, but I just feel, well....noshy for talking.  I don't even know if that makes sense, but it's the only thing I can come up with to say it.

There's a lot going on right now with work, and of course the day to day of family.  I'm finding myself a little worried about Thanksgiving, and it's for a reason that's hard to even explain or rationalize I think.  See, the last big holiday family get together was Easter.  And it would have been a fine day except for one thing:  I knew I was miscarrying my baby.  And my husband was the only other one who knew since we'd not yet told anyone about the pregnancy.  I had such horrible, horrible contractions (I was nearly 12 weeks) toward the end of the evening and when we finally got home, it was apparent that this was happening.  We had found out a couple days before that our baby hadn't survived, and we were to go to the Dr the next week to confirm and take the next steps of the D&C, but Mother Nature, thank God, Mother Nature did her work naturally.  But for some reason, the thought of a big family get together almost has me paralyzed....and so much has happened between now and then, even bigger and harder things, yet I'm still scared.  I haven't said that out loud to anyone yet.  And I'm not sure how to, or if I should.  I'll have to play that one by ear.

My appetite these days has sadly, really been food.  And the maddening part is that I start every day with the BEST of intentions.  And it's not like I'm just horsing the food in, I just am not making the best choices, which leads to guilt, which leads to eating, and so on.  I don't know why I let it happen, there are so many reasons NOT to do it.  I hate how I look right now, I feel terrible about the way my clothes look on me and how I feel when I'm in bed next to my husband.  That's the worst.  The absolute worst.  I'm pretty sure, and I say pretty because he tells me I'm crazy when I mention it, that he's not totally horrified, but still, I'd rather be the hot sexy thing he married and craved going to bed with.  That's normal right?  Well, two babies and a horrible 2010 have not helped me reach that desired normal.  Sigh. 

Time to Celebrate

So it's been a few days.  But it's been a good few days so I'm okay with that. 

First, my baby blog is not a secret any longer, but that's okay.  I don't know if I ever intended for anyone else to read this or not, but there it is.  I don't know if it's been read or not, I just know that it's existence is known and with that, I just leave it to the universe.

Today is our wedding anniversary, and what a wonderful day.  Just taking those moments to reflect on what was going on that big day.  Nerves?  Not for me, no.  I knew that marrying this man was what I was meant to do, and there was, and still is, nothing that would change that.  We started with a crazy story and have had a good time along the way discovering how the rest of the story will play out.

I got a view of myself in a photograph from yesterday and honestly, it's horrifying.  I did not realize I looked that big, and I really need to fix that.

But today, I celebrate.  I celebrate love, life, and all of those two things that I have been given.  My marriage is a celebration, and I'm going to take the time to celebrate.

Setting expectations

A friend posted something today on Facebook that said:  If you expect good things to happen, they do.

I want so badly for that to be true.  I want to be able to set expectations for things and have them come true.  I want to expect that I will conquer the weight this time.  I want to expect that my children will always be well behaved.  I want to expect that my husband will always think I'm sexy and funny and beautiful.  I want to expect that my job will be there in the morning.  I want to expect that my friends and family will be healthy and happy.  I want to expect that I would have just one more healthy pregnancy.

I have a lot more expectations, and I have a lot of wishes.  I wish I could get more motivated to lose weight and I wish that I could expect more of myself and live up to it.  I have such good intentions everyday when I start out, but at some point, I just say "Screw it".  It might be stress at work, it might be stress from home...or something might just look really freaking yummy and I figure tomorrow is another day.   And I always forgive myself....or do I?  I don't know if I do or if I ignore myself, which is much more likely. 

If I expect my children to be courteous and respectful to others, shouldn't I expect myself to be respectful and courteous to me?  If I expect my employees to perform to a certain standard, shouldn't I expect myself to perform to a higher standard?  I could go on and on....and yes, I should expect more of myself.  And that in itself is an expectation.

So tonight, I'm going to expect myself to follow through.  To follow through on what I promise myself at the beginning of the day.  And I'm going to expect myself to tell you about it tomorrow.

That is my expectation....small, but a start right?

Setting the tone

Well, it's Tuesday and I feel as if I've had a pretty good week so far.  I know it's only two days old, but that's better than some weeks where Monday morning was bad and pretty much set the tone for the week.

I guess I should take a moment and think about how I set the tone.  A year ago from this date, I was living a life of fear, paranoia, anger and mistrust.  I took a situation that was probably very innocent and turned it into something it wasn't.  I didn't trust the person I should have, but at the time my reasoning was very good.  It was very easy to misinterpret the things I saw and heard, and yes, I put myself in a bad position by finding a way to look at things I shouldn't have, and betrayed someone I love very much.  This situation didn't resolve itself quickly, I had to spend a lot of time looking inside, and going to a counselor before I caused my relationship to crack beyond repair.  It was really hard to look inside like that, and to recognize what my pattern was, but also to finally face hurts head on with the intent to heal instead of hurt more.  My tactic is usually that of the tough girl, but I couldn't do it anymore.  I am so fortunate that I have the husband I do, that he was patient with me (most of the time), and that when discoveries into my behaviour were made, he was willing to hear them without ridicule or disbelief.  His belief in me really helped me to heal myself. 

A big part of this fear and paranoia I had was due to lack of self confidence.  That doesn't get fixed so easily, and I'd be lying if I said I had it all back.  I didnt feel as funny, or cute, or anything compared to someone else, and that was my first (of many) mistakes:  trying to compare myself to someone else.  I still sometimes feel like I am not up to par, but I have to let that thought go and remember that I am loved for who I am, not who I might or might not be like.  But it's hard not to be envious of someone else at times, to want to be skinnier, to be prettier, to be younger.  And letting those thoughts get in the way are setting the wrong tone for myself.

I need to learn how to set the right tone for me.  What do I say or do to make me feel like I want?  I have to figure that out.  What tone am I trying to achieve?  Certainly not the harpy, naggy one I catch myself giving to others (a whole other subject), or a sad, pity poor me tone...that's just pathetic.  Somewhere in the middle I need to find and establish my tone.  The tone that says I'm okay like this, I can make some improvements, but in a healthy and positive way.  I need to find a tone that says I'm worthy and deserving of being happy in my skin so I can confidently and honestly put myelf out there.

And when I find that tone...I'm going to set it and go! 

Puzzles

Sunday night and trying to get psyched up for work.  A typical day of doing all that needs to be done to get 2 kids, me and my husband ready for the week: laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning.  But the beauty in all the normality is that the four of us do it all together, so it isn't so much a chore as a family outing.  Running errands, shopping for the little stuff, it may not be a day at the park or something like that, but we are all together and dealing with the must do list.

Today my appetite was for calm and soothing...so what did I do?  I bought 2 puzzles (750 and 1000 pieces) and a roll away mat to work on.  Some people may think that's a frustrating thing, but the act of having to sit still and think of nothing except putting those pieces together is a mini brain get away for me.  Thankfully my husband is tolerant of my zone out time and helps with the kids so I can concentrate.  I like to fix things, and I can't always do that.  I think puzzles for me represent the frustration of wanting to make everything come together for the big picture, but the lesson in them is that patience, focus and time are the things that get them done and complete.

This is a lesson I need to re-learn.  I need to remember to take the time for me, and to allow time for the changes I need to make.  And I think time to figure out exactly what those changes are.  The obvious is there...lose weight, clean house more often...blah blah blah.  But I feel the need to make other changes too...emotional ones.  I know I have good intuition and I am good with people, and I want to know how I can use those skills positively...would they be a career change or just to do good in my personal life.  I want to be able to offer more to my family, and to my husband.  Right now I feel like I do all that I'm supposed to do...I go to work, I provide fairly healthy meals for my family, I make sure they have what they need, etc....but I feel BORING.  Like I don't have anything interesting to talk about, that I don't hold anybody's interest beyond the daily necessities and providing for what they need.  But I know I'm so much more than that.

Like anybody, I'm a puzzle...and maybe while I'm putting together the cardboard versions on my dining room table, I'll work on putting my pieces in order and create a beautiful picture of me.

Little white flowers and lullabyes

It's Saturday evening and what a day.  I'm not your typical "mystics, psychics and voodoo" kind of girl, but there is a psychic fair that goes on locally that I've gone to once before.  And for reasons I'll talk more about, I felt the need to go again.  It's not fancy, it's not scary and by all means it's not voodoo like.

This year has been a year of tragedies...there have been some highlights for sure, but sadness seems to have been prevalant.  One reason is the loss of two pregnancies...very wanted and very loved pregnancies.  The other is the loss of a loved brother in law, who chose to leave this earth far earlier than he should have.  With the loss of the second pregnancy very recently, I had numerous occasions where I truly felt as though my brother in law was standing near me...this happened a lot.  From the time we learned the pregnancy would not go on to the actual end, there were about two and a half weeks of deep sorrow, depression and anger.  But I would stop at times and realize that there was a feeling of comfort.  Of someone holding my heart and my sadness and trying to lift it, and for some reason I thought it might be him.  At the time the pregnancy ended, I swore to my husband that his brother was there with me and carried our baby girl to heaven.  I know...sounds strange.

But today, at a reading...the psychic told me things about who she saw with me and those things identified for me that it was him, and he was telling her things she could never have known.  And he told her he was singing lullabies....lullabies to my little girl.  She also said that he was giving me little white flowers....and I remembered that I had admired and taken a handful of tiny white flowers from his grave.  He also said that he is at peace, he feels loved, and he loves.  What more could you ask for?  Little white flowers and lullabyes...what a great day.

Where am I going?

So I made it to day two of my infamous, unknown blog.

I thought a lot about this today, wondering what direction this is going to take.  It's not like I have an agenda, or a rant, or an opinion....mostly, I just need a space.  A space that I can say what I'm thinking....I've always been one to write when I'm upset, or happy or venting.  As with many things, technology makes it easier than a notebook and pen and I can type fast enough to keep up with my rambling thoughts.  And this space allows me to say all this without offending...I mean, it's a choice to read it right?

So where am I going?  Who knows.  And right now, that's good enough for me.  I like that I know I can come back and see what I've thought, what I've had the nerve to write and reflect on what made all that happen. 

It's been a busy, crazy, sad, happy, sad and eventful 2010 for me and my family.  It was a year that started with such hope, such energy and so much enthusiasm.  But events this year have taken their toll, yet we keep plugging on, hugging, holding and keeping it together.  There has been life, death, death, death, life and death.  And discovery of an old life that is new for us.  More on all of these events later, they have all shaped so much of what has led me here and to write.  It's cathartic and parts of me hope maybe somebody will actually read it, and parts of me are terrified that somebody will actually read it....I'm very complicated :-)

Ok really, actually, I think I just make myself complicated.  I don't know if I actually am or not but I think I try awfully hard sometimes.  Is it a desire to be that complicated or to pretend I have that much to worry about?  Who knows.  Maybe I'll get some answers tomorrow....psychic fair!  And for now, that's where I'm going.

Just starting out

So....it's midnight, it's Friday morning....and this is where I am.  Starting a blog.  Crazy? Whim? Very necessary....yep, all of those. 

I have an appetite.  Isn't it sad that when all the ideas for the name of my blog went round and round, THIS is what stood out in my mind?  But I think it applies to so much.  Not just an appetite for food (which is a big one), but I have an appetite for life.  Now, that's vague.  More specifically, I have an appetite for love, for friendship, for peace in my heart, for being a better person, and well...if I'm being totally honest, for sex too.  Right?  I also have an appetite for change.  There are changes I need to make...some small, some big.  Some easy (I WILL exercise more....), some much harder (a little less insecurity please???). 

So will writing this blog cure me?  Make me ecstatically happy?  Solve all my woes?  Probably not, but what I hope it does is this...lets me put it out in the universe, maybe if I see it, I'll believe it and I'll live it. 

Right now what I really wish for is some sleep, I forgot to mention my appetite for that as well.  Small children, a full time job and all that goes with that is robbing me of sleep.  And yes, my husband....more about him later. 

Good night..or good morning? to my little baby blog....I'm excited to meet you and to make friends with you, and explore all my appetites.