Decisions

It's decision time.  Time is getting shorter, and that is not kind for me.  My clock is ticking, literally.  I really, really, REALLY want to have another baby.  I want to be pregnant, to feel that life growing inside me, to share the movement with my husband and two boys.  I want to be excited and plan and be anxious and all the normal feelings that go along with it.  I want to glow and to be heavy with baby, I'd happily take the back pain, the swelling feet, the nausea, whatever came my way....but time is running out....I'm not getting any younger.

But I don't know.  I'm scared of the other scary things:  the high, high odds of another Trisomy 18 baby, having to wait 10 grueling weeks to know if that was the case.  To not be able to share my joy, my fear and my hopes with my friends and family until I knew what I needed to know.  To find out that we have to make another horrible, sad, tragic and heartbreaking choice.  I try to imagine that going into it being educated about the possibility could make it easier.  Yes, testing earlier makes things easier physically, but honestly, can my heart take another loss like losing our baby girl in September?  Does being educated help that?  I don't think so.  Granted, the blindsiding train wouldn't hit like last time, but I don't know if I could recover again emotionally.  It still feels so raw some days.  It feels like yesterday and it feels like a year ago. 

My heart aches for my lost little blue butterfly girl, and it aches for the possibilities.  But it aches even more to imagine releasing two butterflies into the universe.  I have a decision to make