A Time for Grieving and A Time For Change

So I have come to the realization that it is time for more change.

The first, and largest of my changes, is that I have decided to get my tubes tied.  Yep, that's huge.  But it's a decision that I made a while ago.  After we lost the pregnancy in September, and then decided to try once more, I knew that if that pregnancy wasn't successful (and it wasn't), I couldn't continue to try anymore.  It's too hard emotionally, and physically.  My body is tired, my heart is wounded and together that means no more. 

There is a certain amount of grieving that is happening with this decision though.  Although I know that I can't continue the sad path of more potential lost babies, I know that in doing this, I can't try for more babies.  It's a weird conundrum to be in, tubal ligation is so final, but I can't stand the idea of being on birth control for the next 10+ years.  The thought of the hormones and ugh....anyway.  And a lot of people have asked why I'd do this instead of having hubby get a vasectomy.  I just would rather, that's how I feel and so this is what we'll do.

I have three weeks until my surgery date, and I imagine I'll run through a variety of emotions leading up to it, and to be honest, thinking of being on that gurney and having it done, it makes me cry.  It makes me sad and it is a little depressing.  But I can handle those because they are at the nth degree of pain and sadness and depression that losing another precious baby would produce.  And so it is the lesser of two evils.

For now, I just want/need/BEG my body to get over the process of this miscarriage.  It is hard both physically and emotionally to get through it and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of seeing proof of not having another baby and I'm tired of feeling like crap, it's like I have this insane PMS that will NOT go away.  And as I'm saying or doing things that I know are due to that, I still can't stop myself.  All I can do is apologize afterward and hope that I am forgiven.  I am sick of hormones and all the lovely (helloooo sarcasm) things my body is doing.  Over it.

So, as both my heart and my body heal, I am looking to the future.  I am looking to how I can take better care of myself, physically and emotionally.  I have some ideas, the obvious (weight loss) and the not so obvious (what can I do differently?).  As I figure them out, you'll read about it here, I miss blogging my 30 days of Muchness and I am looking forward to continuing it here.  My baby blog :-)