A Journey

This blog is about a journey...a continuously moving target of a journey about an everyday woman. A sometimes funny, sometimes difficult journey....but a journey nonetheless.

Monday, December 28, 2015

The Crab Shell

Back during my original Muchness Challenge, I described myself as a crab (my sign is actually the Cancer crab) because I have this tough outer shell that can really take a beating, until someone finds the soft cracks between the big shield sections.  Then once those have been poked too often and too hard....I ooze.  Feelings, thoughts, long held anger and/or frustrations....it all comes flying out, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Late last night or early this morning, that happened. It prompted a conversation that was long overdue and finally addressed the things I wanted to when I talked about accountability.  It was really needed, at least for me. It will take some time to see if it helps or hurts more, but I know that at least I have been honest and made my feelings known, something I'm not always good at because I worry about everyone else more.  But there continues to be hope, and as long as there is hope, I will fight.

Because of the lateness of that conversation, I did not wake up for a 5:30am workout, I blew it off.  But on the other hand, my foot got another day of rest. I feel like it might be about 10% better today than yesterday, not much but I'll take anything I can get.

I've started following a lot of inspirational / transformational people on Instagram, people who have naturally (no pills, surgery, etc.) lost a large amount of weight.  A couple of them show videos of their workouts and I'm learning some new stuff to try at home, so can't wait to do that.  I'm especially interested in any of the ones that are no impact so I can get my heart rate up as much as possible without bothering my foot.  I need to sweat!  But seriously, if you need inspiration to eat right and exercise, these people are great!

Off for a hopefully peaceful and long sleep tonight!

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Sunday Night Blahs

Sunday night....I am so not ready to go back to work tomorrow. Even more, I'm not ready to go back to the gym. But I need to go to work, and I HAVE to get in a workout.  So I'm going to do one in the garage. With my foot I'm all no impact so I figure core, abs and arms are on deck.

Alarm is set, clothes are ready....now to just hope it's warmer than this morning's 26 degrees when I go out there....lol.

A short but busy week ahead....boys are spending the night at a friend's house Tuesday night. I'm alternating between excitement and dread, could either be a fun evening on our own or the complete opposite. Fingers crossed for fun.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

All Messed Up

Oh my gosh....just no excuse for the time passing with no updates here.  But it has been a very busy week with Christmas and getting ready for the new year at work.

I had a lovely dinner out with a lady who has truly been a gift to my life. She showed me how to be the best me, but not by telling me, but by letting me work it out through my Muchness challenges. It had been too long since I'd seen her and talking with her, straight up real talk, and laughing with her was so healing. She has a way of getting you to see the problem with a fresh perspective without putting any pressure.  All in all, a good time.

Christmas Eve had its ups and downs.  Loved having my family here for dinner, a fire in the pit and laughs and love all around. The end of the evening was a little more rough, doing everything on my own was a bummer. For his own reasons, my husband missed out on setting Santa up, and that will have to be addressed.  I kind of did address it on Christmas Day by asking him to pay special attention to some limits, which he did, but he wasn't happy about it and it showed in his mood all day. 

I know I can be moody and difficult, but I'll usually happily discuss it if you ask me.  I really struggle with not getting that same insight from my husband so it's a guessing game as to where I, and all things, stand. I feel as if we haven't made any progress at all since our discussion.  Something to tackle after the New year for sure.

And exercise? Not going as well as I'd hoped. Still having really bad foot pain, despite anti inflammatories, using my ortho boot and all.  Really sucks.  But I'm going to continue doing whatever I can. I could totally swim at the gym but I haven't worked up the courage to jump in a lane yet.  Another goal to mark on my list.

It's not all rainbows and flowers here, but I'm really working in it!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Confidence, Accountability and Kudos

I have become unreliable on this blog....my daily blog has turned into every couple of days, but not with intent.  I just saw that my last post was Saturday!!!!  I thought it was Sunday night!  Time is flying way too fast right now.

I have a lot going on in my head, the usual with trying to make sure everyone has Christmas presents, and I made a gargantuan batch of cookies and fudge for work, plus housecleaning, laundry, work,, work and did I mention work?

I talked about confidence the other day,and it's weighed on me since.  Another thing I've been thinking about a lot is accountability.  That's a word you hear a lot of at work, but I think there also has to be accountability in our relationships.  We need to be accountable to ourselves, to others, for the things we promise to do, and the things that we need from others.  That last one sounds weird, but give me a bit to explain....it really does tie to confidence.

So I was reading through Instagram (the only social  media I'm cruising these days) and there was a meme about "being confident in your own skin".  It made me think, how can I do that?  I don't like my body at all right now, my clothes don't fit, I have an extra chin, my arms have wings and the thighs and that belly....I can't even go there right now.  It's bad enough to not like myself for all that, but to know that it affects the way others view me and feel about me compounds it immeasurably.  So how the hell do am I supposed to  feel confident with all that?????

I feel confident when I feel strong, and attractive, and desired.  Mostly vain, yes, but those things make me feel great, like I can conquer the world, be noticed and yes, for lack of a better word...admired.  When NONE of those things is happening or being felt, my confidence melts to nothingness, which becomes a vicious cycle:  self hate, feeling disgusting and causing disgust, feeling invisible equals self pity which equals self soothing which usually equals eating for comfort and then start all over again.  It's ugly.  And these are triggers I have to watch for every single hour of every single day right now because those first couple steps in the cycle, I'm totally immersed.

Working out helps.  Feeling strong and accomplished for completing a tough bootcamp workout, knowing I pushed myself and straining to see some tiny bit of proof on my body that things are changing is a good feeling, but it's fleeting.

So how does this and accountability meet up?  Well, I need more.  It's been a couple of weeks since a very difficult conversation happened and initially I thought, well, that's awesome, we're both taking responsibility and "action items".  But I soon realized that I'm really the only one with those action items.  I don't see the same effort from the other side, but I'm not being accountable to what I need.  I realized that I answered scenarios, offered suggestions, but never truly said "I need you to......". And I'm mad. At me, at him and at the fact that over 2 weeks later, I'm not sure there's progress.  There's intent, I don't doubt that, but still, it feels as if I'm doing all the work and waiting for the "Atta Girl!" kudos.  Fuck that.

I need to be accountable.  I need to make my needs and expectations known, just like he made his.  And I need to be honest and forthright because I can't be mad that he's not doing what I expect when I haven't made it clear.  So doing that will help me feel like I have some control, some path and some self respect which equals self love which equals confidence.

I need to do it soon. I just don't want to blow the holidays :/

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Distractions Abound

Oh my gosh.....I have been so busy at work, and so tired at night that I've been a lagger here.

Year end at my work is chaos, super busy and requires a lot of attention to detail and specifics. I have four big projects going live on January 1 so they are keeping me busy.

I'm keeping up with eating well and passing my 10,000 steps a day, but I won't lie, I've had a few indulgences the last couple days.  But I decided that there is no point in beating myself up, for 2 reasons 1) Life is real and carrots and cucumbers won't always cut it and 2) I actually exercised good portion control and my choices were decent.  Just one cookie at work, a couple extra spoonfuls of fried rice at dinner last night, and today, one or two cookies worth of cookie dough. For me, awesome because I would have eaten 5 times that, easily.  Not only am I getting full faster, the small bites satisfy me, and that feels good.

I beat my Walk My Map goal of 10 miles a week again, 128% met. I had intended to get a 4 or 5 mile walk in but my dammed foot is acting up again, the plantar fascitis is causing problems and I had to break down and keep it to under a mile this morning.  I really want to be able to do the Iron Mtn Hike with my boot camp class buddies on Thursday a.m. so I'm being a good patient and staying off it as best I can and taking my anti inflammatories. A little better tonight so fingers crossed for even better tomorrow.

And check this out...we got tickets to see Star Wars tomorrow...some obscure little theater an hour away from us had tickets, we checked on a whim....it'll be a fun surprise for the boys :)

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Sabotage

This is what I walk past every time I leave my desk.  This table is always covered with some sort of junk food to share.

I have a Super effective tactic for avoiding it though. Gross but effective....want to know?

I imagine that, if not everyone, at least one person dipping in doesn't wash their hands in the restroom.  Done. I don't want any.  LOL

I'll be eating my baby cucumbers and carrots with seasoned rice vinegar instead.  WIN!!!

Not a Quitter

Wow, missing that one post has me all out of whack, I think since I posted in the morning yesterday, I mentally ticked off my "to do list" and forgot all about it.

I explained before that my working from days are tough.  It's way too easy to munch the day away when the pantry and fridge are so close.  But I also mentioned yesterday that I couldn't find anything even though I was looking.  I feel like I was looking even harder in the morning, and I don't know why.  I will say, the boys both still have almost all their Halloween candy (how is it they can be satisfied with one piece a day???  I have managed to teach them, but not myself :/), and it is full of things like M&Ms, Snickers, etc....you get the point.  Well, I'm high fiving myself because I just said no to them.

Now that I'm being consistent with logging my food every day in my LoseIt! app, I just can't get myself to see those calories wasted away, even as I earn more for my exercise.  So I am going to take that non scale victory (NSV) and run with it! Well, not literally run.  I hate running.  My knees, my neck and all my wiggly bits hate running. A lot.  But I'm mentally running and waving a flag of success :-)

I made it to day 2 of boot camp today and it felt good, even though every muscle from the top of my butt cheeks to the bottom of my thighs in the back hates my guts.  Hates me.  So sore but it feels so good to know I actually "jumped" the jump squats, did the plank crab crawls and for the first time, got to do the battle ropes...I loved those! Plus all the other stations and I.DIDN'T.QUIT!!!!!  There's a Muchy squish of confidence in that, I'll take it!

I have lots of thoughts about confidence (walking long distances makes me think a lot), but I'll touch on them later, I need time, and heading into this busy workday, time is limited.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Highs and Lows

So, I totally did not mean to miss my post last night, I flat out passed out and fell asleep on my couch around 8:30!  That's what happens when I get out of bed at 4:45 a.m. for a boot camp class.  Yes!  I did it.  And obviously I survived.  I won't lie, it wasn't easy, but it was not near as intimidating as I feared, in fact, it was so friendly!!

Class started at 5:45 a.m. and the gym is a half hour away, so up and out early.  One of my long ago gym buddies takes the class too, so it was fun to see her.  There were 10 stations, alternating between strength and cardio moves and 1 minute at each station.  Before we started, we ran.  Yes. Ran.  I don't run.  That was almost enough for me to quit.  But I managed to get through it, the first circuit and then 10 more minutes of group cardio, then back to the circuit.  It was an hour and it was fun. But I was tired, and in all the right ways.  So yes, last night I passed out early on the couch.

But as high as a start to the day I had, the work part of my day ended on a low.  We are in the process of doing self evaluations at work and I thought I printed my previous year one for reference.  What I actually printed was the peer feedback I had received for this year.  We send out requests for that feedback to people that we have worked with and I felt that I chose a good group.  Well, one of the feedback responses was downright mean.  I can take feedback that recommends what I can do to improve, but to be spiteful and mean, that just sucked.  I won't lie.  I cried.  I felt like I had been let down by someone I trusted, and my feelings were hurt.  This person had such strong feelings but didn't have the nerve to sigh their name, coward.  It really left me in a funk into the evening.

But I talked about it with my husband, and my oldest son, who is 10.  He is going through some slight bullying issues with his size (he's really little for his age) so I think it helped him to see that everyone has the potential to be in that position and I tried to turn it into a learning opportunity for him....but he's the one who reminded me that I'm a better person and just need to love myself.  That is all the Muchness I could ever ask for, that brilliant, sweet, handsome and funny boy of mine.

Started today with a 2 1/2 mile walk, working from home and made sure I have nothing but healthy snacks around.....good thing because I already went on the hunt and came away with an apple and a glass of water....prep of any sort works :)

Monday, December 14, 2015

Progress, not Perfection

I feel so humbled to have found out that someone is actually reading this ...you might be the only one....lol.....and thank you ♡

And I also realized that even though doing a Muchness challenge off of Facebook was the inspiration for getting this blog going again, I haven't even mentioned it once.  And I think it's because things kind of went a different direction shortly after I got going.  But that's not to say that I am not finding some bit of joy each day, it's just not all bright, obvious, sparkly joy. 

It's in a hug, a smile, a passing stranger saying hello, a random compliment - both given and received.  It's also been in restraint. Weird right? But sometimes NOT saying something, or NOT reacting or NOT doing something is a success.  Especially if by not doing those things, you preserve peace, yours and/or someone else's.

But there is a fine line as well....when does compromise and peacekeeping change to not communicating effectively? When do you begin to set your own needs aside to keep a fragile peace? I'm teetering daily, but I'd say I'm walking the line most of the time. 

Progress, not perfection.  That is my goal right now and when I lay down each night and can feel that I've accomplished something in that realm, it's a mental sparkly moment.

And on that note, tomorrow morning is my first boot camp, 5:45am!!!! And it's 10:00pm.....I need to be thinking about getting to bed!

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Screw The Rules.....

So, I complained about the rules.  Let's just say that my husband and I decided on some ground rules while we work through the holiday season, a way to keep expectations and needs open and communicated. I really, really wanted to break one of those rules last night and I'd be lying if I didn't finally fall asleep last night angry and hurt that I seemed to be alone in that thought.
But each day is a new day. And sometimes I have to realize that we aren't always going to be on the same exact page about things, and that I need to remember that I need to be patient and understanding as well. 
I don't think of myself as a selfish person.  I don't intentionally try to act in ways that would be selfish to someone, but I think sometimes maybe I do small things that could be interpreted as selfish. A good reminder to think before I speak or act, am I saying it right? With the right message? Is it effective? Will it hurt or sound spiteful?  Maybe keeping these questions in mind will help me communicate better to those around me. I want to be perceived with love, not selfishness.
And those rules? Sometimes you say screw them and do what you feel is right.  
Time to prepare for the week, it's going to be busy, especially at work, and could easily turn into a convenience eating marathon so I need to be ready.  Taking tomorrow off from the gym or working out, 7 days in a row have me tired and sore, not in the right way and I want to be fresh and ready for boot camp Tuesday :)

Rules Suck

Especially self imposed ones. Especially when they're agreed on, and the other party can change their mind where they want, but you can't. You can't force them to think or feel differently, no matter how desperately you want them to.  And you so desperately do.
New experiences, change of routine but no change in attitude. It sucks.
But at least on the physical  health front I'm making progress. Over 20,000 steps today, including nearly 4 miles on the trail, my favorite exercise.  I'm contemplating a boot camp class next week, just have to get out of bed extra early. 
Which means earlier to bed.
Which is hard when I lay awake at night hating rules and wishing for a change.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Excuse Me While I Go Die A Little Inside (or Sorry not Sorry)

Words hurt. And sometimes it's the silliest stupidest words, because it isn't the words you just said. It's all the words that you said until now, the breaking point. Where the shell has weak spots and it just can't deflect anymore. Then pain. Then tears. And sadness.
And sorry doesn't help because it seems like a quick easy fix to put that moment away. But it does nothing to acknowledge, understand or learn.
This morning was supposed to be celebratory. To mark 5 pounds lost.
But now this.
Sorry I died a little inside instead.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Apples vs Cupcakes

I'm so excited!!!!
First, I have been eyeballing a class that goes on at my gym, they use battle ropes and all kinds of stuff (which I LOVE, so much more interesting that just machines).  But I've been way too intimidated to just show up.

But I talked to the lady who teaches the class (who I've been talking to every day in the locker rooms, just put two and two together that she teaches) and she told me it's a Boot Camp class and that I should definitely take it.  She assured me that they have modifications for everything if you have any limitations (endurance anyone?????) but that makes me feel better.  So Tuesday morning.......5:45am.  I'll be there.

As for the post title......it was birthday day in the department and there is a ginormous cupcake cake with frosting about 14 inches thick (only a slight exaggeration) and while I have no interest in that frosting, I was highly tempted by the actual cupcake.  But check this out:  I'm eating apples instead.  Yes, because I planned and packed apple slices and baby cucumber slices to keep from being too hungry before our vendor lunch (which was another HUGE success today - small tomato soup and a mixed greens salad with grilled chicken.......YAY ME!!!).  So I have my apples, no cupcake, and I'm happy about that.  More baby steps.

In Apples vs Cupcakes:  Today, apples win :-)

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Baby Steps

Today was a work from home day.  That means lots and lots of temptation since the pantry and the fridge are oh so close.  But preparation yesterday was key.

Went to the grocery store and brought fresh fruit, veggies, and yogurt and stuff to make a healthy dinner that would give me good leftovers for lunch.  And that's what I ate, it feels good to have had the control and the willpower not to raid the kids never ending supply of Halloween candy.

But a struggle is a struggle, and mine is that I think of food constantly.  I'm always planning ahead for the next meal, the next snack, as if I'm in danger of starving.  Even driving my son to a class this afternoon, I munched on some Goldfish crackers (in my plan for the day) and was thinking ahead to dinner.  Not out of "oh my gosh what am I going to make for dinner??" but "oh my gosh, what do I get to eat for dinner?".  Very different.  Th'at's what a compulsive overeater does, because there is some weird concern about when and where the next meal will be.

Knowing that, I have to try to redirect my thoughts, baby steps.  But I've either been to the gym or walked for at least an hour each day this week and that has me feeling great and successful.  Like I said, baby steps.

Tomorrow will have it's own challenges, lunch out with a vendor, but hey, I can do this!

New Rules....New Spaces

****this is a late published post from 12/9/15****

So far so good.

I'm working from home today, and this new space creates a need for new rules.  I have a pantry and a refrigerator and they're only feet from where I'm sitting.  This is where planning is crucial.

Last night I went to the grocery store and I bought fresh fruit, baby cucumbers and carrots, yogurt and planned a dinner that would leave me healthy leftovers for lunch.  And so far, so good!  I made a healthy breakfast, snacked on my cucumbers and carrots, ate my leftovers and a yogurt for dessert.  And I have had a LOT of water today, at home it's easy to grab a Diet Coke, but so far, nearly 9 glasses of water.  Feeling pretty dang proud of that, and not raiding the seemingly never ending supply of kids Halloween candy.

Between this success today, and the consistent gym and walking workouts this week, I'm feeling pretty damn good.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Temptation and Impulse Control

To go back to last night, it wasn't horrible.  I ate more than I should have, but not near as much as I would have before, or could have.  That being said, I was stuffed and it didn't feel good.  Note to self.

We have a "Healthy Trails" walking challenge at work that sends us daily emails about health, exercise, etc and the title today couldn't be more appropriate:  Impulse Control.  A good reminder to stick with my plan today which is "If I didn't bring it, I don't eat it".  But it's not always easy because there are lots of nice treats and meeting leftover goodies laying around that are so, so tempting.

In the area where my cubicle is, there is a table that is dedicated just to food.  Anything anyone brings gets put on that table for anyone to enjoy.  I lucked out and got an apple there yesterday, but today, someone brought some kind of dip and crackers.  I thought, "hmmmmmmmmmm, crackers would go nicely with my soup".  But then I thought "just walk on by, you have your planned food". And I did. And my soup and the low fat crackers I brought were just fine (I'm trying to convince myself they were way better than any Keebler Club cracker....)

This is the way I have to think.  I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that I don't have to eat everything in my path.  I don't have to grab, hoard or stuff food in my face because it's there.  A saying that I try to remember is "That is not the last slice of pizza on earth".  And that fits anything that I see. I have to get back in the habit of reminding myself of that as I walk past all the homemade goodies and candy laying around.
One minute at a time.
One hour, one day at a time.
I can overcome emotional eating and compulsive overeating,
I can pass up temptation and exhibit Impulse Control.

I can.
I can and I will.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Today Part 2 - Triggers

I feel like I've minimized the impact last night's conversation had on me.  Yes, it motivated me to get my arse back in gear. To get to the gym, to eat healthier today.  But that's not all.

It hurt.  It hurts.  It really, really hurts.  And it makes me mad.  Really mad.  And I'm fighting like a beast not to let it be the world's biggest trigger for my emotional eating.  Because food loves me like I am, it's happy to console me.  Lumps and bumps?  Food does not care.  

I have all my apps updated:  LoseIt!, FitBit, goals set on MapMyWalk, everything I need to keep myself accountable and on track.  But who will help my heart and my brain to say that a ite of something won't be so good. That I'll regret those bites.

Tonight is a work Christmas party.  Word is that the menu will have prime rib, vegetarian lasagna, and of course, desserts to die for.  Recipe for disaster for an emotional eater on this trigger heavy day.  

Ouch. Honesty hurts.

Part 1 today:

The gym:  I did it.  I had a great workout, brought out some of my old workouts when I was with the personal trainer and did a combination of cardio and bodyweight work, there was sweat.  And that felt good.

But I have to talk about what happened after my post last night.  My family, I love them.  I really, really love them.  One of the things my husband and I really emphasize with our boys is honesty.  We would rather know the truth and have to deal with it than to find out later about things. And we had to have an honest talk last night.  And the honest feedback last night:  my health is a concern.  And by health there is a definite emphasis on weight.  I have let it go too far, too bad and too much.  I know this. But hearing it from the faces I love?  Ouch. OMG. Hurt. So sad.  But, it was honest, and it was out of love and concern. And for preserving life and love.  So there's that.  I have to do this for me, but there is more at stake.

I have young boys.  Active young boys and a desire to keep up with them.  I don't want to be on the sidelines, unable to participate.  I want to be that fit, fab Mom and wife.  I want healthy.  I want energy.  And I want so much more.

Honesty. Gotta love it.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Bring On The Week

Tomorrow starts a new week and health is on the agenda.

--- Gym back packed
--- Gym clothes laid out for early morning workout before work

That's it so far.  But after a full weekend of soccer tournament and getting zero chores (laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping), it's a pretty good start.  I'm lucky that I'm within easy distance of healthy food for lunch at work, and tomorrow night I'll be prepared for grocery shopping with a list of all the good stuff I need and want.  I had some greek yogurt with honey and blueberries Friday.....so good.  And I got a great surprise when I found 6 healthy ready to pick pomegranates on a sad little tree we have, got the arils all out of three and am looking forward to snacking on those.

Lots more ground to cover, but I'm headed the right way, bring on the week!

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Distractions

Today was my first full day with my Facebook account out of my reach.  It's still active, but the application itself is deleted off my phone, so I have no way to access it.

I won't lie.  I found myself wishing here and there that I could get on, but the feeling passed quickly and I reminded myself that I should be looking around me and experiencing the day, not buried inside an electronic device.

Today I was proud of myself for getting out and walking, for going by myself and getting it done.  It was a beautiful COLD morning, and staying in my warm bed would have been easy enough to do.  But I had laid out my clothes last night and told myself I would go.  With no one expecting me, or meeting me, ignoring all that would have been easy.  So big gold star for me!  3 miles of hilly trail in the cold air!

But it didn't make my eating perfect, and because so much of my eating is linked to emotions, it was a hard day.  Being at our youngest son's soccer tournament was fun, it was exciting, it was a beautiful sunny day with friends and family.  But I also feel as though I faked my way through most of it.  The world is full of distractions and I feel like they are shinier than me, more exciting than me, preferred over me.  And feeling like that is a huge trigger for eating. This is what I hope to work on more over the next 30 days (and beyond).   Find a better, healthier, smarter say to deal with those emotions.  And to find out how to talk about them.  How not to distract myself with food.

There are always distractions. Now to figure out the good ones.

Friday, December 4, 2015

I'm Baaaaaack! Again....

I'm so excited, not just to be back, but to actually be back.  I have spent the last day trying to get logged back in to this blog, Google + messed me up and there was some serious "I'm NOT a computer person" frustration happening to get here.  But I'm here.

And I'm back.  Again.  Over a year later.  A lot has happened in this year, but I won't bore the place up with all those stories.  Bottom line, I haven't done a lot of what I intended, including getting healthy.

I had a cervical spine fusion at C4-5 in January 2014, and I worked out with my personal trainer up to the day before surgery and was back at it as soon as I could.  And then I wasn't.  From then to now....40 lbs.  Yes. 40 lbs.  I said it out loud.  40 freaking oh my god what the hell was I thinking pounds.  Almost 4 years to the day of the last one, I had a fat girl meltdown.  I have had to pack up all the cute clothes I was wearing last year to make way for the fat clothes, and I hate my fat clothes.  I hate the idea of spending any money on them because I never intend to wear them long.

But not looking good, and not wearing nice clothes that I'm proud of or feel sexy, fashionable, comfortable in, that takes it's own toll, a spiral into the blahs.

The answer isn't nicer, cuter, newer fat clothes.  It's packing away the fat clothes (in the donate bin!!!) and getting myself healthy and fit enough to wear the cute stuff I packed up.

I've done 30 Day Muchness Challenges in the past.  I've loved them, I've posted, taken pictures and shared on Facebook.  But this one, this challenge to myself to get healthy, and not be fat, well, that is too scary, too personal for FB.  So I challenged myself to delete FB off my phone and focus on health, not drama.  Me, not all the easy to compare to people and lives in my news feed.  So here I am.  This is where I'll lay it out, my progress, frustrations, decisions and tracking of better choices.

30 days.  Every day.
I'm back.