One of the things that has been going on in my head for who knows how long is this horrible dialogue: You're fat. You look horrible. Your thighs are too big. Double chins attack! Your face is fat. And on and on. I never really realized how often that was going through my head until today.
Today I went to another meeting. I took a little longer lunch and spent the hour with a group of women who helped me quietly understand that this dialogue, it's mine. Not anyone else's, just mine. I'm my worst enemy, the biggest critic I have and the most cruel.
Not that it's just like "Voila!!!" and it's gone. But today I tried hard to recognize when I was doing this to myself. I kept a little journal with me all day and in addition to tracking my eating, I tracked my feelings (sample: OMG! DORITOS!!!! Someone put out nacho cheeseDORITOS!!!!) yes, foodcentric, but the reality of my easily diverted train of thought when something as yummy as nacho cheese Doritos make an appearance. I'm not even joking. Most girls heads turn at some beautiful jewelry, I'm a sucker for salty, cheesy snacks. So no, it's not going to be easy to change the dialogue that fast, but I made a good attempt today.
As I tracked my food, how I felt and when I was having a Dorito moment, I realized that if I just held on a few extra minutes...I was okay. No, I'm not kidding. I didn't have to be hauled away by ambulance because my heart had stopped beating....I was okay. I know, I'm still reeling at that too. I have a thousand miles to go yet, but I'm taking the first few steps and with just that, I had a peaceful few hours without the madness.
I want more of those!
No comments:
Post a Comment