It's been a few days since I posted, but work has literally been a bitch. A lot of work going on and it's a serious buzz kill. And it's hard on a girl trying to be good with her diet, and herself. My idea of "if I didn't bring it, I don't eat it" got it's value proven.
I did that so well all week last week. That is a huge success. But Saturday was another full work day, and with not being in that mindset Friday night, I didn't pack my lunch. I knew we had potluck leftovers (including healthy stuff) so I wasn't too worried about lunch. But I stopped on the way to work and got a fast food breakfast. Pretty much a fail. But not total failure because I did at least pass up on getting the 2 dozen donuts I normally would have, so that was a success. I'd be lying if I said it was easy having to pick and choose food items that were "fair game" but I felt pretty good about my overall choices.
The rest of the weekend was spent baking. I know? What in the hell was I thinking??? Me? Hungry? Compulsive? Baking? yep. And if I said I didn't have a single bite of anything, that would be a lie. I did pick, but not nearly to the extent of past digressions....and I didn't hide those bites, which would be my usual M.O. But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have more than I should have.
I only had about a day and half off this weekend, and I tried to use up all the time wisely. I baked goodies for my work friends and I spent time with my family. A nice long hike, a treasure hunt for things little boys think are valuable and lots of fresh air which was good.
I realized I was having trouble refocusing on the abstinence from food I am supposed to be working on. And then I realized I hadn't been to one of my meetings in a week, so I made time to go to one today and boy am I ever glad that I did. It re-invigorated me to think about what I am doing: What am I putting in my mouth? Why am I putting it there? What was I thinking when I did it? It goes back to eating my feelings. Feeling less than something, feeling left out and feeling a little neglected...those answers and more. And I need to find a way to re-direct the coping skills to something far more productive than baking or worse, eating. One thing I did forget today was my little journal to track all this stuff...again, the importance of using the tools that I have is proven. They obviously work and I need to use them. I can't do this the way I always have, it's proven NOT to work.
So, I did fall down a bit this weekend, but I think I get points for having recognized and pulled back sooner than later and giving myself a better opportunity to overcome....and get back up again.
Tomorrow is another day and I will use my tools, I will pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and I will forgive myself in all the right ways. Not by rewarding myself with food, but with self love and self respect. I see that I am seriously lacking both.
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