A Journey

This blog is about a journey...a continuously moving target of a journey about an everyday woman. A sometimes funny, sometimes difficult journey....but a journey nonetheless.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Start Fresh - Fresh Start

Already....so yes, that means I pigged out.
It's the stress, I can't seem to stop myself when I'm stressed, but I also blame not having brought adequate food of my own, so tonight I packed more appropriately and am feeling ready for tomorrow.

The one good thing:  I caught myself.  Not before, but not as long after as the past. So I'll take that as a teeny tiny baby step.  I haven't been to any meetings this week,and not sure how next week will work since the one I like is on Monday and that's a holiday, AND a workday for me.  The busiest workday of the year so I need to be fully prepared and get myself prepared for what it will be like:  stressful and maniacal.  Not a good mix for me and my eating habits, but I'm trying to plan.

I also need to start thinking about a food program.  Something to follow (Weight Watchers, Atkins, ????) because some guidance is good.  Weight Watchers always worked for me because of the accountability of the weekly weigh ins, but I like the way the weight comes off with Atkins, my body really seems to respond to that.  Maybe a combination?  Something to ponder.

Ready for the freshest start EVER.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Surviving the Holidays?

I don't know if I can say I've been "great" for the holidays, but I can say this:  Not as a justification but I gave myself permission to just chill for the holidays. Not to eat everything I wanted, but not to stress about it.  And strangely, not that I ate like a bird, but I didn't pig out as much as I'd thought I might. 

But I have to take back that permission because it's too close to saying I don't have a problem, or that I am in any shape or form in control of my eating.  Because I'm not.  But I'm recognizing and admitting it...I just have to get better about acting on it. 

New Year, New Attitude, New Habits

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Maintaining is a bitch

My goal through the holidays is to maintain.  Maintain my weight and use this time to really look at my eating habits, figure out what it is that drives me to eat, why I feel the need to grab food and what I'm feeling when it happens.

One big thing I'm noticing...and I knew this...I'm a serious stress eater.  When my brain is spinning, I seem to find some sort of grounding by grabbing food.  It wouldn't be so bad if I was grabbing healthy food, so I need to figure out some snacks that won't be boring, but more importantly, I need to find a different coping mechanism.  I have an idea I'm going to try through this next week.  Walk away.  If my brain is going too many directions, I'm going to try and pull it back into focus with a walk, even if it's just one lap around my floor.  Can't hurt right?

I made some good decisions today,and was able to turn down a huge chunk of my favorite cake:  red velvet from Nothing Bundt Cakes.  I compromised by having just a fork full.  I got to satisfy the taste, but didn't need the huge chunk I usually eat, gluttonous and unnecessary.

I also got to talk to a friend who is looking amazing. She's losing weight, but more importantly, really toning up.  She told me about the program she's using, and I might do it.  It might be my Christmas present to myself :-)  I deserve it right?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Disappointed

Ugh....I'm really disappointed in myself today.

I have been doing really well at work with not snacking.  I have walked by countless cubicles and desks and counter spaces covered in chocolates and cookies and candycanes and all that good stuff. All the easy to "drive by" foods.  I was thinking about it today and when I've done the crazy drive by eating before, I seem to have had this bizarre theory:  If no one saw me eat it, then I must not have.  Kind of a fat person's version of "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  It's amazing the ways I find that I have used to excuse myself for eating.

Today was such a day.  After all the realizations I had, and doing as well as I did with all the baking I've done (not perfect, but better), I screwed up royally today. See, I've done a good job of clearing all the stuff out of my way, packaging it, delivering it and being gone with it, which helps.  Today I did something I'm finding I'm notorious for.  The food hoarding.

I took in a bag of all the extras in the house...the fudge, the sugar cookies, the pretzels, to put on my desk so everyone could help me get rid of it.  Which they would have given the chance.  Now, I did give away some, but there it was, sitting in my space, daring to smell good, look good and yes....taste good.  And I ate them.  Not every piece.  Not all of it.  But way more of it than I needed.  And I have to admit, I didn't make a very good effort at getting it out to other people...because I wanted it.  Epic fail in my goal of not being compulsive.

My name is Tine and I am a compulsive overeater. 

Tomorrow I will:
Work my tools
Eat only what I bring (breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed...NO EXCUSE!)
Call or talk to someone when I find myself feeling compulsive.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Falling down and getting back up

It's been a few days since I posted, but work has literally been a bitch.  A lot of work going on and it's a serious buzz kill.  And it's hard on a girl trying to be good with her diet, and herself.  My idea of "if I didn't bring it, I don't eat it" got it's value proven.

I did that so well all week last week.  That is a huge success.  But Saturday was another full work day, and with not being in that mindset Friday night, I didn't pack my lunch.  I knew we had potluck leftovers (including healthy stuff) so I wasn't too worried about lunch.  But I stopped on the way to work and got a fast food breakfast.  Pretty much a fail.  But not total failure because I did at least pass up on getting the 2 dozen donuts I normally would have, so that was a success.  I'd be lying if I said it was easy having to pick and choose food items that were "fair game" but I felt pretty good about my overall choices.

The rest of the weekend was spent baking.  I know? What in the hell was I thinking??? Me? Hungry? Compulsive? Baking?  yep.  And if I said I didn't have a single bite of anything, that would be a lie.  I did pick, but not nearly to the extent of past digressions....and I didn't hide those bites, which would be my usual M.O.  But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have more than I should have.

I only had about a day and half off this weekend, and I tried to use up all the time wisely.  I baked goodies for my work friends and I spent time with my family.  A nice long hike, a treasure hunt for things little boys think are valuable and lots of fresh air which was good. 

I realized I was having trouble refocusing on the abstinence from food I am supposed to be working on.  And then I realized I hadn't been to one of my meetings in a week, so I made time to go to one today and boy am I ever glad that I did.  It re-invigorated me to think about what I am doing: What am I putting in my mouth?  Why am I putting it there?  What was I thinking when I did it?  It goes back to eating my feelings.  Feeling less than something, feeling left out and feeling a little neglected...those answers and more.  And I need to find a way to re-direct the coping skills to something far more productive than baking or worse, eating.  One thing I did forget today was my little journal to track all this stuff...again, the importance of using the tools that I have is proven.  They obviously work and I need to use them.  I can't do this the way I always have, it's proven NOT to work.

So, I did fall down a bit this weekend, but I think I get points for having recognized and pulled back sooner than later and giving myself a better opportunity to overcome....and get back up again.

Tomorrow is another day and I will use my tools, I will pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and I will forgive myself in all the right ways.  Not by rewarding myself with food, but with self love and self respect.  I see that I am seriously lacking both.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Feeling the Love!

I reached out last night.  I sent a message to a group of friends and family, asking them to try to understand that I have a problem.

"Hello. My name is Tine and I am a Compulsive Overeater"

I was ashamed and embarrassed when I sent that message, but I had to, I needed to.  See, accountability for me is key.  If I know someone is paying attention, I work just that little bit harder to achieve.  I know that's not the best, or even right, motivation for me, but right now any motivation is good motivation.  Until I can sort our why I can't let myself be healthy and non compulsive, I'll take what I can get.

I posted in my Finding My Muchness post tonight about those friends and family.  About how they overwhelmed me with the responses and identifying with the struggle I am having.  I am so honored that they felt able to open up and discuss their own insecurities and issues.  Beyond honored..I was humbled.

This humility overrides my snarkiness tonight...I have to simply say, again, THANK YOU! You've inspired me to continue what I have only just started.  This will be a long and sometimes painful journey, but how lucky am I to have these women by my side?

Love to them and all who may find their way to this blog or Finding My Muchness....we all deserve it.

Trying out the Mobile Blogging!

Exciting!!!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Normal?

I'm not normal. 

Let me clarify, I'm not normal about food.  I think about food constantly, no matter where I am, the time of day or when I last stuffed something in my mouth, you can ask at anytime and I can tell you, I'm thinking about food.  Of course, that's if I'd dare admit it.  Because how embarrassing is it that I can probably tell you that food is on my mind more often throughout the day than my family?  That's a guess, but I'm betting if I did keep track, making hash marks everytime I thought of either, I'd be further humiliated.

Most people (normal people) eat a meal or a snack when they're hungry and that's it.  No further thought of when their next meal might be, or if they think they really got enough or would anybody notice if they just grabbed a little bit more of whatever was out there, just in case.  Just in case?  Yep, just in case every food selling establishment in civilization suddenly shut down and food would be totally unavailable.  What???  It could happen.  In my worst nightmare.

Normal people feel full and satisfied after eating their meal or snack.  They sit back, appreciate what they just enjoyed and think about anything BUT more food.  Me?  Not so much.  I don't feel full.  I mean, I don't recognize nor respect the feeling of being full.  Just because my stomach is distended and my clothes feel snug, I just am not sure I'm really full, I can probably put just a bit more in. 

Because, you never know.  All the food selling establishments in civilization might suddenly shut down.  And I'd never feel full (or imagine what full felt like) ever again.  So, like a military strategist, I start or get halfway through a meal or snack and I'm already planning the next pit stop.  The next survival post.  And trust me, I can afford to miss a few of those.

I know what normal should be with food, but in all honesty, I don't think I can ever remember NOT being somewhat obsessed by food.  I have gone two whole days with exercising what I believe to be awesome self control.  If I didn't bring it, I didn't eat it.  But something strange is happening.  Instead of being proud of myself and celebrating this, I feel a little bit anxious.  Maybe more than a little bit.  I mean, what if the kids finish off the goldfish crackers before I get a chance to get some?  Or what if the candy in the cupboard (that's been there for a while) gets eaten and I've MISSED OUT???????  I feel like I might miss out on something.  And that's not normal.

I need to study normal more...and figure out how to try it on without having a panic attack that sends me to the nearest fast food restaurant so I can shove a hamburger meal down my throat before going home to dinner.  Because that's happened.  Embarrassing.

And I'd like to be normal....at least about food.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Quieting the Dialogue and Doritos

One of the things that has been going on in my head for who knows how long is this horrible dialogue:  You're fat. You look horrible.  Your thighs are too big.  Double chins attack! Your face is fat.  And on and on.  I never really realized how often that was going through my head until today.

Today I went to another meeting.  I took a little longer lunch and spent the hour with a group of women who helped me quietly understand that this dialogue, it's mine.  Not anyone else's, just mine.  I'm my worst enemy, the biggest critic I have and the most cruel. 

Not that it's just like "Voila!!!" and it's gone.  But today I tried hard to recognize when I was doing this to myself.  I kept a little journal with me all day and in addition to tracking my eating, I tracked my feelings (sample:  OMG! DORITOS!!!! Someone put out nacho cheeseDORITOS!!!!) yes, foodcentric, but the reality of my easily diverted train of thought when something as yummy as nacho cheese Doritos make an appearance.  I'm not even joking.  Most girls heads turn at some beautiful jewelry, I'm a sucker for salty, cheesy snacks.  So no, it's not going to be easy to change the dialogue that fast, but I made a good attempt today.

As I tracked my food, how I felt and when I was having a Dorito moment, I realized that if I just held on a few extra minutes...I was okay.  No, I'm not kidding.  I didn't have to be hauled away by ambulance because my heart had stopped beating....I was okay.  I know, I'm still reeling at that too.  I have a thousand miles to go yet, but I'm taking the first few steps and with just that, I had a peaceful few hours without the madness.

I want more of those!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Following Through

So I did it.

Last night I got online to check out meeting times/places for a place that I felt I needed to go today.  A place to help me get a handle on where I am, what I need to do and why the hell I can't do it on my own.  I was all jazzed up, got the information and went to bed with all the intentions of heading out at 7:00am to get there.

Well, this morning came and I thought "Eh, I can go next week".  But the realization hit that if I didn't go today, I wouldn't go next week, and I probably really wouldn't ever go.  So I got up, I got dressed, kissed my boys good bye and headed down the hill.

Let's call my destination "Out of Control Eaters Unite".  To be honest, I got within a mile and suddenly felt mortified and angst ridden and humiliated and might even have had a few heart palpitations.  After a text exchange with my husband, I regained my "ooomph" and off I went.  I'd love to say that I swooped in full of confidence and "let's get this thing going", but as I met all these really nice recovered out of control eaters, I was eaten alive with guilt at the fact that I had stopped for a supreme croissant from Jack in The Box on the way.  I was waiting for someone to smell the grease on my breath and shout "FRAUD!!!"  (Yes, J.I.B. breakfasts HAVE to stop.)

But curiously, they didn't.  They welcomed me with open arms and treated me as the winner of a contest for having walked in that door.  I was introduced with the 3 other brave newcomers and we sat and listened to the stories of the struggles of others, the successes and the way they battled their day to day demons. 

I was so inspired.  I felt like this was something I could do!!!  I finally felt as if someone got it. Someone understood the weird things I'd been doing (sneaking food, stashing food, coveting and dreaming of food) and didn't think I was insane.  They got it.  I'm really excited about the process and program with this group, I especially think that the support and understanding from them will help me be successful in my own goals.  Not that it's going to be easy....I mean, I had to pass up pizza and ice cream at Costco today.  But check this out:  I'm still here! I didn't melt into a puddle because I didn't have it.  Yay for me! 

That's Day One.  Lots more to come!

Friday, December 9, 2011

BEING FAT SUCKS

Yep, I said it.

Being fat sucks.  It sucks large fat donkey balls.  It sucks even more than that.

Today I had emotional fat meltdown.  I had the "I hate my fat clothes, fat calf boots and I hate fat me" day.  To be honest, this is a first.  I've had moments and weeks where I was all about losing weight, kicking ass on the diet du jour, exercising all those fat cells till they wanted to run far, far away from me.  And then I'd go back to nothing.  Just let the fat cells join back up, climb on and hang on tight.

It was a sad day, a humiliating day, an embarrassing day that turned into a pretty good damn day.

Only because of my husband.  See, I have been feeling this deep down, bubbling lava of hate for a while now.  But it's amazing!!! I can squelch it with Hershey's kisses and lasagna and chocolate bars and, well, you get the drift.  Like a drug, food lights my high for a short time, savoring the flavor, the texture, the absolute rebellious feeling of eating what I shouldn't.  But then I crash.  I hit that "I hate myself" phase, feel like a complete moron for giving in and make myself emotionally ill with the realization that I'm still fat, and just fed those monster fat cells more ammunition.  Fuck!!!  But wait!!! I know how to feel better!!!!!  Hershey Kisses!!! Lasagna!!!! Chocolate bars!!!!!  Chips!!!! And you can see where this goes.  Plus, on bad days (and I've had my share), food ALWAYS loves me, it's always happy to see me and it's ready to be my buddy.

Today I realized (sadly and emotionally), after my 2nd breakfast, that I had had a second breakfast.  That I have a lot of seconds and thirds and my thighs and ass show it.  A lot.  As in my fat girl jeans are starting to cry when they see me coming.  That's fat.  The worst part, I literally hit the bottom of my fat sadness today.  And I emailed my husband with the horrible, embarrassing, humiliating truth.

I mean, he knows I'm fat, the guy sleeps in the same bed as me.  But I had to admit that it's not "just hormones".  It's the fact that I eat a lot of crap.  A lot of chocolate, and chips and chocolate and fast food and chocolate....you know what I'm saying.  But here's the worst part:  I hide it.  I eat all that stuff when no one is looking.  I stash chocolate, I sneak food, I "revenge" eat, even though the only person suffering is me.  This has to stop.  Because seriously, I hate myself like this right now and I don't want to be the "big girl" everywhere I go.

And my husband, well, he's the best.  He is supportive of what it's going to take for me to accomplish what I need to, he's willing to help even more than he already does with the kids so I can get to the gym, and to get to some meetings that I really need to go to.  I need to get in my head and he's my number one cheerleader in doing this.  And he made sure that I knew how much he loves me.  He's a great man.  I want to be a great woman, a healthy woman.....and definitely, a sexy woman for him.

So, part of my "recovery" is to keep up with this blog, to be real about where I'm starting (not actual pounds, I'm not THAT masochistic), my successes and my failures.  I am going to outline my goals, my dreams, my setbacks and my progress.  Because really, being fat sucks....even my fat clothes agree.