I want to be...

Devoured.  In all the best ways possible.  That's all.

What motivates me?

That's a puzzle I need to figure out.  I guess it depends on what I'm trying to get motivated for... so I'm going to address getting healthy since that's a big one. 

First and foremost it's for my family, to be able to participate in family activities, day to day, fun outings, whatever might come up without being winded or uncomfortable in my clothes and/or body.  But mostly to be around for them.  I need to keep it in my mind that my family history on both sides is terrible for heart disease...early heart attacks for all my grandparents.  And my dad had one at 60, and my mom has had anxiety and suffers from diabetes.  These alone should be motivators.

Vanity:  Yep, vanity.  It is so up front and center for me...how I look to myself and other people.  And sadly, I have a very different idea of what I look like than what other people see I think.  As in, I tend to think I look better than I do, then there's one of those shockers that hits:  a photo, a dressing room mirror...

And my relationships:  Not just with people, but with food.  I think I revert to eating because it's comfortable, it never says no and it's always so good.  I need to "divorce" food with a good attitude.  I never want to hate food, but I need to figure out how to make it a less important part of my life.  I need to figure out how to get my will power back.  I've had it before, why the fuck can't I get it back now?  Especially because to me, one very important relationship is being jeapordized by this relationship with food:  the one with myself and my confidence, and what I percieve as a lack of a sex life because of what I look like.  THAT is a huge motivator...but how to remind myself of that during the day when temptation looms? 

So, there are many motivators, probably more than I've even thought about, but I need to figure out what motivates me most and move on it. 

I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated that I am not making any progress with myself physically, and it's like a vicious cycle.  I feel totally unsexy, unattractive and to some degree....unhealthy.  So, what do I do to make myself feel better?  Well, I eat, I mope and I totally back off from asking for what I want.  And that is so not me, but it seems to be more that way than ever before since my "previous life". 

I have lost all confidence....in myself physically and sexually.  That's it.  I guess that frustrates me more than anything...usually if things are slow, I don't hesitate to jump in and get things started.  This time last year, I was showing up unexpectedly for afternoon fun and without thought to what might any opinion might be of my behaviour OR my body.  But not now.  I don't know, it's a vicious cycle....and I need to get off the ugly wheel of it before it gets worse.  I have to.