I have become unreliable on this blog....my daily blog has turned into every couple of days, but not with intent. I just saw that my last post was Saturday!!!! I thought it was Sunday night! Time is flying way too fast right now.
I have a lot going on in my head, the usual with trying to make sure everyone has Christmas presents, and I made a gargantuan batch of cookies and fudge for work, plus housecleaning, laundry, work,, work and did I mention work?
I talked about confidence the other day,and it's weighed on me since. Another thing I've been thinking about a lot is accountability. That's a word you hear a lot of at work, but I think there also has to be accountability in our relationships. We need to be accountable to ourselves, to others, for the things we promise to do, and the things that we need from others. That last one sounds weird, but give me a bit to explain....it really does tie to confidence.
So I was reading through Instagram (the only social media I'm cruising these days) and there was a meme about "being confident in your own skin". It made me think, how can I do that? I don't like my body at all right now, my clothes don't fit, I have an extra chin, my arms have wings and the thighs and that belly....I can't even go there right now. It's bad enough to not like myself for all that, but to know that it affects the way others view me and feel about me compounds it immeasurably. So how the hell do am I supposed to feel confident with all that?????
I feel confident when I feel strong, and attractive, and desired. Mostly vain, yes, but those things make me feel great, like I can conquer the world, be noticed and yes, for lack of a better word...admired. When NONE of those things is happening or being felt, my confidence melts to nothingness, which becomes a vicious cycle: self hate, feeling disgusting and causing disgust, feeling invisible equals self pity which equals self soothing which usually equals eating for comfort and then start all over again. It's ugly. And these are triggers I have to watch for every single hour of every single day right now because those first couple steps in the cycle, I'm totally immersed.
Working out helps. Feeling strong and accomplished for completing a tough bootcamp workout, knowing I pushed myself and straining to see some tiny bit of proof on my body that things are changing is a good feeling, but it's fleeting.
So how does this and accountability meet up? Well, I need more. It's been a couple of weeks since a very difficult conversation happened and initially I thought, well, that's awesome, we're both taking responsibility and "action items". But I soon realized that I'm really the only one with those action items. I don't see the same effort from the other side, but I'm not being accountable to what I need. I realized that I answered scenarios, offered suggestions, but never truly said "I need you to......". And I'm mad. At me, at him and at the fact that over 2 weeks later, I'm not sure there's progress. There's intent, I don't doubt that, but still, it feels as if I'm doing all the work and waiting for the "Atta Girl!" kudos. Fuck that.
I need to be accountable. I need to make my needs and expectations known, just like he made his. And I need to be honest and forthright because I can't be mad that he's not doing what I expect when I haven't made it clear. So doing that will help me feel like I have some control, some path and some self respect which equals self love which equals confidence.
I need to do it soon. I just don't want to blow the holidays :/
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