Sigh

Oh my gosh, I'm lagging so bad.  And I've so needed to get on here.  Things are good, it's not like I have anything to complain about, but I just feel, well....noshy for talking.  I don't even know if that makes sense, but it's the only thing I can come up with to say it.

There's a lot going on right now with work, and of course the day to day of family.  I'm finding myself a little worried about Thanksgiving, and it's for a reason that's hard to even explain or rationalize I think.  See, the last big holiday family get together was Easter.  And it would have been a fine day except for one thing:  I knew I was miscarrying my baby.  And my husband was the only other one who knew since we'd not yet told anyone about the pregnancy.  I had such horrible, horrible contractions (I was nearly 12 weeks) toward the end of the evening and when we finally got home, it was apparent that this was happening.  We had found out a couple days before that our baby hadn't survived, and we were to go to the Dr the next week to confirm and take the next steps of the D&C, but Mother Nature, thank God, Mother Nature did her work naturally.  But for some reason, the thought of a big family get together almost has me paralyzed....and so much has happened between now and then, even bigger and harder things, yet I'm still scared.  I haven't said that out loud to anyone yet.  And I'm not sure how to, or if I should.  I'll have to play that one by ear.

My appetite these days has sadly, really been food.  And the maddening part is that I start every day with the BEST of intentions.  And it's not like I'm just horsing the food in, I just am not making the best choices, which leads to guilt, which leads to eating, and so on.  I don't know why I let it happen, there are so many reasons NOT to do it.  I hate how I look right now, I feel terrible about the way my clothes look on me and how I feel when I'm in bed next to my husband.  That's the worst.  The absolute worst.  I'm pretty sure, and I say pretty because he tells me I'm crazy when I mention it, that he's not totally horrified, but still, I'd rather be the hot sexy thing he married and craved going to bed with.  That's normal right?  Well, two babies and a horrible 2010 have not helped me reach that desired normal.  Sigh.