Setting the tone

Well, it's Tuesday and I feel as if I've had a pretty good week so far.  I know it's only two days old, but that's better than some weeks where Monday morning was bad and pretty much set the tone for the week.

I guess I should take a moment and think about how I set the tone.  A year ago from this date, I was living a life of fear, paranoia, anger and mistrust.  I took a situation that was probably very innocent and turned it into something it wasn't.  I didn't trust the person I should have, but at the time my reasoning was very good.  It was very easy to misinterpret the things I saw and heard, and yes, I put myself in a bad position by finding a way to look at things I shouldn't have, and betrayed someone I love very much.  This situation didn't resolve itself quickly, I had to spend a lot of time looking inside, and going to a counselor before I caused my relationship to crack beyond repair.  It was really hard to look inside like that, and to recognize what my pattern was, but also to finally face hurts head on with the intent to heal instead of hurt more.  My tactic is usually that of the tough girl, but I couldn't do it anymore.  I am so fortunate that I have the husband I do, that he was patient with me (most of the time), and that when discoveries into my behaviour were made, he was willing to hear them without ridicule or disbelief.  His belief in me really helped me to heal myself. 

A big part of this fear and paranoia I had was due to lack of self confidence.  That doesn't get fixed so easily, and I'd be lying if I said I had it all back.  I didnt feel as funny, or cute, or anything compared to someone else, and that was my first (of many) mistakes:  trying to compare myself to someone else.  I still sometimes feel like I am not up to par, but I have to let that thought go and remember that I am loved for who I am, not who I might or might not be like.  But it's hard not to be envious of someone else at times, to want to be skinnier, to be prettier, to be younger.  And letting those thoughts get in the way are setting the wrong tone for myself.

I need to learn how to set the right tone for me.  What do I say or do to make me feel like I want?  I have to figure that out.  What tone am I trying to achieve?  Certainly not the harpy, naggy one I catch myself giving to others (a whole other subject), or a sad, pity poor me tone...that's just pathetic.  Somewhere in the middle I need to find and establish my tone.  The tone that says I'm okay like this, I can make some improvements, but in a healthy and positive way.  I need to find a tone that says I'm worthy and deserving of being happy in my skin so I can confidently and honestly put myelf out there.

And when I find that tone...I'm going to set it and go!