Angry

What is anger?  What purpose does it serve?  Does it eventually heal itself?  It doesn't need much in the way of nutrition to stay alive.  And it can live FOREVER, or so it seems.  According to many who know me, I am not an angry or difficult person.  To other people (hypothetically parents and sisters) I am angry and hold a grudge.  So how the hell do I address this?  My mother's suggestion:  therapy.  My sisters:  ignore it.  My Dad:  who knows, he thinks I'm jealous of my new found brother (adopted out at birth by my mother).  Does he even stop to think about WHO initiated that search?  And that I sincerely do not feel anger at his need for my mom's time?  Or that I'm actually grateful for his attention to her so I don't have to be the primary attention giver?

Anyway, there have been many times in my life when I've been angry.  Angry at the nerve of a man who was supposed to love and protect me to lay his hands on me.  Angry at the person who took advantage of a friendship for her own gains.  And angry at other people as well....but those angers drove me to change my life, to improve my situation and to DO SOMETHING.

But this anger, this anger I'm not fully aware of but have been accused of having, how do I approach it or deal with it if I don't even know for sure if, how or where it exists?  How do I determine who/what has/had caused it or is feeding it?  Because to be honest, I don't feel it 99% of the time....and the 1% I do, it's a pretty obvious trigger.  But deep seeded and seething....I don't get that. 

I prefer not to be angry in my life, I'm enjoying that I now have a life of love and happy days, kisses, hugs and friends.  I don't want drama, and unlike my "previous life" I don't invite drama.  If I can see it coming, I slam the door and barricade it shut because in my life, it's just not welcome.  Is that hiding?  I don't think so, I think it's simply saying "NO" to something unwanted.  Not to say I haven't had angry moments/hours/days in the recent past.  Not to say that I have always behaved perfectly and not to say that I've handled all of that exactly the way an expert might have recommended, but I did handle it.  It wasn't always pretty (okay, mostly wasn't pretty at all) and many hurts happened before the healing could, but the healing did prevail.  It wasn't easy, it took personal work and team work and trust and love and all that, but I did it.

Why can't I do that with my sisters?  My mom?  My dad?  Is there a fear they'll decide I'm not worth the bother?  Will they stop loving me?  Absurd.  But they could stop liking me.  And some days, I'd be okay with that.  And that makes me angry.