Sleep

I wish I could just lay down in my bed and fall fast asleep, not a care in the world.

If only it were that easy.

Ass Whoopings and Victories

It's Friday morning and I am wiped out.

First, getting up at 4:45 am for Boot Camp classes on Tuesday and Thursday and then again for a Spin class this morning.  OMG at the Spin class.  I have not been that physically exhausted from exercise in a long time. There is serious sweat in that class.  As in, my forearms were sweating and dripping on the floor.  Yes. My forearms.  My body had nowhere else to let it come out, it was flowing everywhere lol

But I did it.  So far out of my comfort zone but I did it.  The instructor told me I could take a break on the gears (basically the "incline" on the bike) but I actually kept up with those.  What I couldn't do so well:  the standing up and pedaling.  When did my legs get so weak????  I did finally do a few sets, AND the sprints. But OMG.  I'm tired.  I've also gotten in a couple garage workouts this week and a long walk with the dog.

And work today started with a sucker punch.  I basically didn't get something done and got my ass handed to me by my boss above my boss....you know that one.  Anyway, it sucked. Large.  I cried.  I might still be easily moved to cry again.  And that all sucks.

But there is a victory in there.  I am not eating my feelings. I am not running to the vending machine with all my money for chips and chocolate. I'm sticking with the food I brought, having my mid morning snack of vanilla greek yogurt and blueberries.  I'll be damned if I can add another reason to feel bad today so meal prep is saving my day!

Here's to whatever victories you can claim!

Food and Exercise.....It's On!

Despite what it seems like, I think about this blog a lot; what I'll write, what should or shouldn't be in it, do I have pictures?  That's all throughout my day.....and then I get home at night and after dinner, homework, etc., I'm asleep.

I feel as though I have finally gotten my head in a better place for tackling my eating.  This week I got out to the grocery store with a plan.  The plan included healthy dinners, and supplies for breakfast and lunches as well.  I tried my hand at meal prepping for the week and made all the food I need for lunches.  That includes chicken breasts (I made three, cut in half to 6 perfectly sized pieces and used three different seasonings so I have some variety), a large batch of fresh green beans and quinoa.  For the quinoa I added some Ro-Tel diced tomatoes and sweet corn, so yummy.  I've even had the quinoa for breakfast which was so satisfying.  This morning I had Ezekiel toast with avocado and a soft boiled egg, some sweet potato and fresh blackberries.

Here is yesterday, breakfast and lunch:

And today's breakfast:

And dinner last night.....baked salmon, Brussels sprouts and wild brown rice and quinoa.


So that's the food side of things, now for the exercise.  My foot is finally feeling way better, and I've been slowly adding time and load on it.  I got in a couple walks over the weekend, plus play time in the snow (yay for our local mountains!) and bootcamp yesterday.  In fact yesterday was the first time I felt like I really worked my ass off in bootcamp.  For one reason, my foot, but also I think because I worked out with someone new (I usually work the circuit with an old friend, and we chat), but we didn't get counted off the same yesterday and got split off.  I worked out with a guy named Chris who has been taking the class about the same amount of time as me and where I started to quit, he pushed, and shockingly when he started to quit on burpees, I talked him into one more.  It felt great to walk out of there so sweaty and tired.

Woke up early and took a 2.25 mile walk this morning and if work isn't too crazy (I work from home today), I'll try to get 30 mins in the garage with some weights and bodyweight work.

This is the first time in quite a while that I'm feeling in control and positive about both my food choices and my exercise.  Each successful day builds the confidence to take on the next one, so I'll continue taking that as I can.  Keeping keeping on.

Good, Bad and Beautiful

So one good thing I did this morning....I got out for a hike.  It was cold, beautiful and slow....still nursing my foot.

One bad thing that no hike could fix:  I secretly ate.  This means I consciously ordered something I really had no business eating (a donut), which wouldn't be all bad, except that I chose to cram it in my mouth, wipe off the crumbs and toss the trash evidence before I got home and gave hubby and kids their donuts, like I never had one.

That is the lowest of compulsive eating behavior and one I haven't done in a long time.  And as much as I enjoyed the flavor of that donut, it makes me sick to think of how I ate it.  It would have been better to come home and eat it in font of everybody instead of eating a lie.

Onward and upward.

I'm Out There.....Anonymously

Sunday....Monday......and here I am on Tuesday.

I took a giant leap.

I created an Instagram account with no personal information to track my exercise and weight loss adventure.  I say adventure, not journey, because it sounds more fun :)  Anyway, this account has a real life picture of me as I am today, no face.  And it's horrible.  But hopefully it'll be one I brag with later when I'm where I want to be.  Scary, but then seriously, who will even know?  And I have no followers, and I am following no one............yet.  One thing I've found about Instagram that I really like is the health/weight loss/fitness community.  It's awesome.  And super supportive and like a big family.  I'm not quite ready to announce myself there, but I'll keep following under my personal account for now.  But there it is.

I was back at the gym yesterday morning, bright and early and trying to be creative for cardio since I can't really do any impact on my foot.  My solution:  the upright bike and the rowing machine.  I need to figure out the bike better to get a better workout, but it kept my foot happy.  The rowing machine is something I actually enjoy doing, I used to be pretty fast on it.  Baby steps back to that though.

Today was Boot Camp Tuesday, and I was so tempted to not get out of my bed.  My alarm went off, I was ready to go, then hubby snuggled up and fell back asleep and it was way too comfy and with the rain outside, easy to fall back asleep.  But I realized I'd be really pissed at myself later today, so I got up and out.  And I'm glad.  Lots of good work to be done in that class, and I was able to do a lot of modifications where impact was involved.  Looking forward to Thursday's class.

Now to slowly address the diet and eating.  But I'm getting there and I feel like I'm making way better choices than I used to. Even is I pick up something not so great for me, the quantities are so much less, and a taste will do it.  I'm having issues with my scale, so no weigh ins for now.  Hopefully when I'm able to use it, it'll be a happy surprise.  I ordered a book on Amazon from Shape Magazine, I really like their diet and exercise programs and this book supports both.  I'm hoping to get some good meal plans and grocery lists to help me out.  I know how to do this, I know how to cook light, but I'm in a blah state about my current cookbooks and am excited for an infusion of new ideas.

Day to day to day and day by day by day on the rest of what is going on in my life.  I'm trying to take as much joy as possible from the small moments, not putting so much pressure on having big moments.  A different set of baby steps.  But they all lead to good things.

Get Outside

After a couple of really busy days at work (and still working today and tomorrow), it was nice to be able to get out of the house with my family and go for a walk.  We headed first to Coronado Island, had a nice lunch in an "Irish" pub, walked some of the side streets with their quaint houses, and then headed down to the harbor.  We found that our worries of cold were for naught since it was a beautiful evening down there.

It seems the change of scenery was good for us all.  The boys played in a park for a bit and there was an ease and comfort in holding hands and walking that hadn't been there for a while.  I think that is something that should be an easy thing to work on.......touch.  The kind that comforts and just says "I know you're here.  And I want to be here with you." It means a lot and I didn't consciously realize how much I'd missed it.  I'll happily work on that.

Bad side of the long walk in my new cozy Ugg boots.....my foot and ankle are KILLING me again tonight, and I was doing so well :(  Back to ice, rest and ibuprofen.

Early to bed tonight with sweeter dreams.

Same or New?

Once again behind....but I have good intentions, really I do.  These last couple days have found me eating more than needed, comforting myself in food as I find so much sameness in a time where there is so much opportunity for change.

I need to reach down in the deepest parts of myself and figure out how to be an ambassador for that change. For me, my health - physically and emotionally. To be an advocate and champion of what I believe in and what I want to fight for.

But I also think it might be time for me to consider outside help, someone to help muddle through the emotions and the fear, the hurt and the rawness of what is being felt. The only question that remains: how many in my party will be attending?  Guess I have my first "to do" of the year.

The Crab Shell

Back during my original Muchness Challenge, I described myself as a crab (my sign is actually the Cancer crab) because I have this tough outer shell that can really take a beating, until someone finds the soft cracks between the big shield sections.  Then once those have been poked too often and too hard....I ooze.  Feelings, thoughts, long held anger and/or frustrations....it all comes flying out, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Late last night or early this morning, that happened. It prompted a conversation that was long overdue and finally addressed the things I wanted to when I talked about accountability.  It was really needed, at least for me. It will take some time to see if it helps or hurts more, but I know that at least I have been honest and made my feelings known, something I'm not always good at because I worry about everyone else more.  But there continues to be hope, and as long as there is hope, I will fight.

Because of the lateness of that conversation, I did not wake up for a 5:30am workout, I blew it off.  But on the other hand, my foot got another day of rest. I feel like it might be about 10% better today than yesterday, not much but I'll take anything I can get.

I've started following a lot of inspirational / transformational people on Instagram, people who have naturally (no pills, surgery, etc.) lost a large amount of weight.  A couple of them show videos of their workouts and I'm learning some new stuff to try at home, so can't wait to do that.  I'm especially interested in any of the ones that are no impact so I can get my heart rate up as much as possible without bothering my foot.  I need to sweat!  But seriously, if you need inspiration to eat right and exercise, these people are great!

Off for a hopefully peaceful and long sleep tonight!

Sunday Night Blahs

Sunday night....I am so not ready to go back to work tomorrow. Even more, I'm not ready to go back to the gym. But I need to go to work, and I HAVE to get in a workout.  So I'm going to do one in the garage. With my foot I'm all no impact so I figure core, abs and arms are on deck.

Alarm is set, clothes are ready....now to just hope it's warmer than this morning's 26 degrees when I go out there....lol.

A short but busy week ahead....boys are spending the night at a friend's house Tuesday night. I'm alternating between excitement and dread, could either be a fun evening on our own or the complete opposite. Fingers crossed for fun.

All Messed Up

Oh my gosh....just no excuse for the time passing with no updates here.  But it has been a very busy week with Christmas and getting ready for the new year at work.

I had a lovely dinner out with a lady who has truly been a gift to my life. She showed me how to be the best me, but not by telling me, but by letting me work it out through my Muchness challenges. It had been too long since I'd seen her and talking with her, straight up real talk, and laughing with her was so healing. She has a way of getting you to see the problem with a fresh perspective without putting any pressure.  All in all, a good time.

Christmas Eve had its ups and downs.  Loved having my family here for dinner, a fire in the pit and laughs and love all around. The end of the evening was a little more rough, doing everything on my own was a bummer. For his own reasons, my husband missed out on setting Santa up, and that will have to be addressed.  I kind of did address it on Christmas Day by asking him to pay special attention to some limits, which he did, but he wasn't happy about it and it showed in his mood all day. 

I know I can be moody and difficult, but I'll usually happily discuss it if you ask me.  I really struggle with not getting that same insight from my husband so it's a guessing game as to where I, and all things, stand. I feel as if we haven't made any progress at all since our discussion.  Something to tackle after the New year for sure.

And exercise? Not going as well as I'd hoped. Still having really bad foot pain, despite anti inflammatories, using my ortho boot and all.  Really sucks.  But I'm going to continue doing whatever I can. I could totally swim at the gym but I haven't worked up the courage to jump in a lane yet.  Another goal to mark on my list.

It's not all rainbows and flowers here, but I'm really working in it!

Confidence, Accountability and Kudos

I have become unreliable on this blog....my daily blog has turned into every couple of days, but not with intent.  I just saw that my last post was Saturday!!!!  I thought it was Sunday night!  Time is flying way too fast right now.

I have a lot going on in my head, the usual with trying to make sure everyone has Christmas presents, and I made a gargantuan batch of cookies and fudge for work, plus housecleaning, laundry, work,, work and did I mention work?

I talked about confidence the other day,and it's weighed on me since.  Another thing I've been thinking about a lot is accountability.  That's a word you hear a lot of at work, but I think there also has to be accountability in our relationships.  We need to be accountable to ourselves, to others, for the things we promise to do, and the things that we need from others.  That last one sounds weird, but give me a bit to explain....it really does tie to confidence.

So I was reading through Instagram (the only social  media I'm cruising these days) and there was a meme about "being confident in your own skin".  It made me think, how can I do that?  I don't like my body at all right now, my clothes don't fit, I have an extra chin, my arms have wings and the thighs and that belly....I can't even go there right now.  It's bad enough to not like myself for all that, but to know that it affects the way others view me and feel about me compounds it immeasurably.  So how the hell do am I supposed to  feel confident with all that?????

I feel confident when I feel strong, and attractive, and desired.  Mostly vain, yes, but those things make me feel great, like I can conquer the world, be noticed and yes, for lack of a better word...admired.  When NONE of those things is happening or being felt, my confidence melts to nothingness, which becomes a vicious cycle:  self hate, feeling disgusting and causing disgust, feeling invisible equals self pity which equals self soothing which usually equals eating for comfort and then start all over again.  It's ugly.  And these are triggers I have to watch for every single hour of every single day right now because those first couple steps in the cycle, I'm totally immersed.

Working out helps.  Feeling strong and accomplished for completing a tough bootcamp workout, knowing I pushed myself and straining to see some tiny bit of proof on my body that things are changing is a good feeling, but it's fleeting.

So how does this and accountability meet up?  Well, I need more.  It's been a couple of weeks since a very difficult conversation happened and initially I thought, well, that's awesome, we're both taking responsibility and "action items".  But I soon realized that I'm really the only one with those action items.  I don't see the same effort from the other side, but I'm not being accountable to what I need.  I realized that I answered scenarios, offered suggestions, but never truly said "I need you to......". And I'm mad. At me, at him and at the fact that over 2 weeks later, I'm not sure there's progress.  There's intent, I don't doubt that, but still, it feels as if I'm doing all the work and waiting for the "Atta Girl!" kudos.  Fuck that.

I need to be accountable.  I need to make my needs and expectations known, just like he made his.  And I need to be honest and forthright because I can't be mad that he's not doing what I expect when I haven't made it clear.  So doing that will help me feel like I have some control, some path and some self respect which equals self love which equals confidence.

I need to do it soon. I just don't want to blow the holidays :/

Distractions Abound

Oh my gosh.....I have been so busy at work, and so tired at night that I've been a lagger here.

Year end at my work is chaos, super busy and requires a lot of attention to detail and specifics. I have four big projects going live on January 1 so they are keeping me busy.

I'm keeping up with eating well and passing my 10,000 steps a day, but I won't lie, I've had a few indulgences the last couple days.  But I decided that there is no point in beating myself up, for 2 reasons 1) Life is real and carrots and cucumbers won't always cut it and 2) I actually exercised good portion control and my choices were decent.  Just one cookie at work, a couple extra spoonfuls of fried rice at dinner last night, and today, one or two cookies worth of cookie dough. For me, awesome because I would have eaten 5 times that, easily.  Not only am I getting full faster, the small bites satisfy me, and that feels good.

I beat my Walk My Map goal of 10 miles a week again, 128% met. I had intended to get a 4 or 5 mile walk in but my dammed foot is acting up again, the plantar fascitis is causing problems and I had to break down and keep it to under a mile this morning.  I really want to be able to do the Iron Mtn Hike with my boot camp class buddies on Thursday a.m. so I'm being a good patient and staying off it as best I can and taking my anti inflammatories. A little better tonight so fingers crossed for even better tomorrow.

And check this out...we got tickets to see Star Wars tomorrow...some obscure little theater an hour away from us had tickets, we checked on a whim....it'll be a fun surprise for the boys :)

Sabotage

This is what I walk past every time I leave my desk.  This table is always covered with some sort of junk food to share.

I have a Super effective tactic for avoiding it though. Gross but effective....want to know?

I imagine that, if not everyone, at least one person dipping in doesn't wash their hands in the restroom.  Done. I don't want any.  LOL

I'll be eating my baby cucumbers and carrots with seasoned rice vinegar instead.  WIN!!!

Not a Quitter

Wow, missing that one post has me all out of whack, I think since I posted in the morning yesterday, I mentally ticked off my "to do list" and forgot all about it.

I explained before that my working from days are tough.  It's way too easy to munch the day away when the pantry and fridge are so close.  But I also mentioned yesterday that I couldn't find anything even though I was looking.  I feel like I was looking even harder in the morning, and I don't know why.  I will say, the boys both still have almost all their Halloween candy (how is it they can be satisfied with one piece a day???  I have managed to teach them, but not myself :/), and it is full of things like M&Ms, Snickers, etc....you get the point.  Well, I'm high fiving myself because I just said no to them.

Now that I'm being consistent with logging my food every day in my LoseIt! app, I just can't get myself to see those calories wasted away, even as I earn more for my exercise.  So I am going to take that non scale victory (NSV) and run with it! Well, not literally run.  I hate running.  My knees, my neck and all my wiggly bits hate running. A lot.  But I'm mentally running and waving a flag of success :-)

I made it to day 2 of boot camp today and it felt good, even though every muscle from the top of my butt cheeks to the bottom of my thighs in the back hates my guts.  Hates me.  So sore but it feels so good to know I actually "jumped" the jump squats, did the plank crab crawls and for the first time, got to do the battle ropes...I loved those! Plus all the other stations and I.DIDN'T.QUIT!!!!!  There's a Muchy squish of confidence in that, I'll take it!

I have lots of thoughts about confidence (walking long distances makes me think a lot), but I'll touch on them later, I need time, and heading into this busy workday, time is limited.

Highs and Lows

So, I totally did not mean to miss my post last night, I flat out passed out and fell asleep on my couch around 8:30!  That's what happens when I get out of bed at 4:45 a.m. for a boot camp class.  Yes!  I did it.  And obviously I survived.  I won't lie, it wasn't easy, but it was not near as intimidating as I feared, in fact, it was so friendly!!

Class started at 5:45 a.m. and the gym is a half hour away, so up and out early.  One of my long ago gym buddies takes the class too, so it was fun to see her.  There were 10 stations, alternating between strength and cardio moves and 1 minute at each station.  Before we started, we ran.  Yes. Ran.  I don't run.  That was almost enough for me to quit.  But I managed to get through it, the first circuit and then 10 more minutes of group cardio, then back to the circuit.  It was an hour and it was fun. But I was tired, and in all the right ways.  So yes, last night I passed out early on the couch.

But as high as a start to the day I had, the work part of my day ended on a low.  We are in the process of doing self evaluations at work and I thought I printed my previous year one for reference.  What I actually printed was the peer feedback I had received for this year.  We send out requests for that feedback to people that we have worked with and I felt that I chose a good group.  Well, one of the feedback responses was downright mean.  I can take feedback that recommends what I can do to improve, but to be spiteful and mean, that just sucked.  I won't lie.  I cried.  I felt like I had been let down by someone I trusted, and my feelings were hurt.  This person had such strong feelings but didn't have the nerve to sigh their name, coward.  It really left me in a funk into the evening.

But I talked about it with my husband, and my oldest son, who is 10.  He is going through some slight bullying issues with his size (he's really little for his age) so I think it helped him to see that everyone has the potential to be in that position and I tried to turn it into a learning opportunity for him....but he's the one who reminded me that I'm a better person and just need to love myself.  That is all the Muchness I could ever ask for, that brilliant, sweet, handsome and funny boy of mine.

Started today with a 2 1/2 mile walk, working from home and made sure I have nothing but healthy snacks around.....good thing because I already went on the hunt and came away with an apple and a glass of water....prep of any sort works :)

Progress, not Perfection

I feel so humbled to have found out that someone is actually reading this ...you might be the only one....lol.....and thank you ♡

And I also realized that even though doing a Muchness challenge off of Facebook was the inspiration for getting this blog going again, I haven't even mentioned it once.  And I think it's because things kind of went a different direction shortly after I got going.  But that's not to say that I am not finding some bit of joy each day, it's just not all bright, obvious, sparkly joy. 

It's in a hug, a smile, a passing stranger saying hello, a random compliment - both given and received.  It's also been in restraint. Weird right? But sometimes NOT saying something, or NOT reacting or NOT doing something is a success.  Especially if by not doing those things, you preserve peace, yours and/or someone else's.

But there is a fine line as well....when does compromise and peacekeeping change to not communicating effectively? When do you begin to set your own needs aside to keep a fragile peace? I'm teetering daily, but I'd say I'm walking the line most of the time. 

Progress, not perfection.  That is my goal right now and when I lay down each night and can feel that I've accomplished something in that realm, it's a mental sparkly moment.

And on that note, tomorrow morning is my first boot camp, 5:45am!!!! And it's 10:00pm.....I need to be thinking about getting to bed!

Screw The Rules.....

So, I complained about the rules.  Let's just say that my husband and I decided on some ground rules while we work through the holiday season, a way to keep expectations and needs open and communicated. I really, really wanted to break one of those rules last night and I'd be lying if I didn't finally fall asleep last night angry and hurt that I seemed to be alone in that thought.

But each day is a new day. And sometimes I have to realize that we aren't always going to be on the same exact page about things, and that I need to remember that I need to be patient and understanding as well. 

I don't think of myself as a selfish person.  I don't intentionally try to act in ways that would be selfish to someone, but I think sometimes maybe I do small things that could be interpreted as selfish. A good reminder to think before I speak or act, am I saying it right? With the right message? Is it effective? Will it hurt or sound spiteful?  Maybe keeping these questions in mind will help me communicate better to those around me. I want to be perceived with love, not selfishness.

And those rules? Sometimes you say screw them and do what you feel is right.  

Time to prepare for the week, it's going to be busy, especially at work, and could easily turn into a convenience eating marathon so I need to be ready.  Taking tomorrow off from the gym or working out, 7 days in a row have me tired and sore, not in the right way and I want to be fresh and ready for boot camp Tuesday :)

Rules Suck

Especially self imposed ones. Especially when they're agreed on, and the other party can change their mind where they want, but you can't. You can't force them to think or feel differently, no matter how desperately you want them to.  And you so desperately do.

New experiences, change of routine but no change in attitude. It sucks.

But at least on the physical  health front I'm making progress. Over 20,000 steps today, including nearly 4 miles on the trail, my favorite exercise.  I'm contemplating a boot camp class next week, just have to get out of bed extra early. 

Which means earlier to bed.

Which is hard when I lay awake at night hating rules and wishing for a change.

Excuse Me While I Go Die A Little Inside (or Sorry not Sorry)

Words hurt. And sometimes it's the silliest stupidest words, because it isn't the words you just said. It's all the words that you said until now, the breaking point. Where the shell has weak spots and it just can't deflect anymore. Then pain. Then tears. And sadness.

And sorry doesn't help because it seems like a quick easy fix to put that moment away. But it does nothing to acknowledge, understand or learn.

This morning was supposed to be celebratory. To mark 5 pounds lost.

But now this.
Sorry I died a little inside instead.

Apples vs Cupcakes

I'm so excited!!!!
First, I have been eyeballing a class that goes on at my gym, they use battle ropes and all kinds of stuff (which I LOVE, so much more interesting that just machines).  But I've been way too intimidated to just show up.

But I talked to the lady who teaches the class (who I've been talking to every day in the locker rooms, just put two and two together that she teaches) and she told me it's a Boot Camp class and that I should definitely take it.  She assured me that they have modifications for everything if you have any limitations (endurance anyone?????) but that makes me feel better.  So Tuesday morning.......5:45am.  I'll be there.

As for the post title......it was birthday day in the department and there is a ginormous cupcake cake with frosting about 14 inches thick (only a slight exaggeration) and while I have no interest in that frosting, I was highly tempted by the actual cupcake.  But check this out:  I'm eating apples instead.  Yes, because I planned and packed apple slices and baby cucumber slices to keep from being too hungry before our vendor lunch (which was another HUGE success today - small tomato soup and a mixed greens salad with grilled chicken.......YAY ME!!!).  So I have my apples, no cupcake, and I'm happy about that.  More baby steps.

In Apples vs Cupcakes:  Today, apples win :-)