Inadequate is how I'm feeling lately.
I feel like I can't get done everything I want or need to. I feel like I know I should be eating better, but I'm not, I should be exercising, THAT's not happening, and I feel like I'm disconnected. I mean, I get things done, food's on the table, family taken care of, work done at my job, it's just without passion.
It's hard to describe these feelings, because it's not like I'm depressed or anything like that, but I just don't feel motivated to do what I need to do. And what makes it worse is that the trickle down effect of that is the worst. It makes me feel fat and ugly and undesirable, and if I feel like that, well.....I act like that. And you can imagine where it all goes from there.
I'm not being as nice as I could/should be, but I don't know how to make it stop. I need to take a step back and pay attention to what I need to hear inside. I'm sure there's a voice in there somewhere that can speak reasonably and get me to sit up and listen. I just need to be quiet enough, long enough, to hear it.
I read a great quote about just this sort of thing today and it's only now, nearly 12 hours later that I am remembering and realizing that I read it. It said "When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice." I think I need to do that, I've got too many voices calling out too many things, most of them not nice and directed solely at me. Not productive at all for trying to lift myself and feel better and to feel passionate about anything, and that sucks. I am a passionate person and losing my passion, well it just sucks.
I'll be working on finding and hearing that small voice so that I can feel and recognize the abundance in my life, and to feel more connected to all of it.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Survival and Sanity
Well, I did it . I got through the week of my "dread-aversary" and I survived. Truly, truly survived, but I had a LOT of help.
I actually shouldn't say "but", because instead it should read "because". I truly, truly survived BECAUSE I had help. This is huge for me because I don't usually ask for help, and I don't usually let people help. I'm kind of stubborn, but needy at the same time. Going into the week I really thought it was going to be hard, and horrendous and really sad. But I did something different: I put it out there, I let people know that I was still grieving and needed a little extra. And I got it.
I have friends who supported me, and who provide me with the gift of their friendship and love. I can't ask for mor than that. And my husband, well, he was the rock he always is, I don't know how he does it but I'm so grateful for him. And of course my family, just knowing they were there gave me comfort.
I also did a mini 7 day Muchness challenge, just to keep my head and emotions above water, and that really helped. If you've never looked, go to http://www.findingmymuchness.com/, it's amazing!
I'm glad, I'm happy and I'm okay....my week went well and I feel relatively unscathed. Way better than I could have hoped for as the week had approached. My sanity is intact and I head to the next challenge....my tubal ligation. Lots of mixed feelings there, but I'll address that later. For now, I'm going to smile.
I actually shouldn't say "but", because instead it should read "because". I truly, truly survived BECAUSE I had help. This is huge for me because I don't usually ask for help, and I don't usually let people help. I'm kind of stubborn, but needy at the same time. Going into the week I really thought it was going to be hard, and horrendous and really sad. But I did something different: I put it out there, I let people know that I was still grieving and needed a little extra. And I got it.
I have friends who supported me, and who provide me with the gift of their friendship and love. I can't ask for mor than that. And my husband, well, he was the rock he always is, I don't know how he does it but I'm so grateful for him. And of course my family, just knowing they were there gave me comfort.
I also did a mini 7 day Muchness challenge, just to keep my head and emotions above water, and that really helped. If you've never looked, go to http://www.findingmymuchness.com/, it's amazing!
I'm glad, I'm happy and I'm okay....my week went well and I feel relatively unscathed. Way better than I could have hoped for as the week had approached. My sanity is intact and I head to the next challenge....my tubal ligation. Lots of mixed feelings there, but I'll address that later. For now, I'm going to smile.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Heading Into the Danger Zone
It's coming.
That day. The one year "anniversary". And I can't stop it. I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it. Because trust me, I've tried. I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.
But I'm wrong. It is in the back of my mind constantly. I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside. It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage. A year? A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.
I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is. It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today. I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to". Not happening.
So I thought about something. When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week. I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day. Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be). So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.
That day. The one year "anniversary". And I can't stop it. I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it. Because trust me, I've tried. I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.
But I'm wrong. It is in the back of my mind constantly. I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside. It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage. A year? A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.
I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is. It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today. I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to". Not happening.
So I thought about something. When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week. I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day. Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be). So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
A Time for Grieving and A Time For Change
So I have come to the realization that it is time for more change.
The first, and largest of my changes, is that I have decided to get my tubes tied. Yep, that's huge. But it's a decision that I made a while ago. After we lost the pregnancy in September, and then decided to try once more, I knew that if that pregnancy wasn't successful (and it wasn't), I couldn't continue to try anymore. It's too hard emotionally, and physically. My body is tired, my heart is wounded and together that means no more.
There is a certain amount of grieving that is happening with this decision though. Although I know that I can't continue the sad path of more potential lost babies, I know that in doing this, I can't try for more babies. It's a weird conundrum to be in, tubal ligation is so final, but I can't stand the idea of being on birth control for the next 10+ years. The thought of the hormones and ugh....anyway. And a lot of people have asked why I'd do this instead of having hubby get a vasectomy. I just would rather, that's how I feel and so this is what we'll do.
I have three weeks until my surgery date, and I imagine I'll run through a variety of emotions leading up to it, and to be honest, thinking of being on that gurney and having it done, it makes me cry. It makes me sad and it is a little depressing. But I can handle those because they are at the nth degree of pain and sadness and depression that losing another precious baby would produce. And so it is the lesser of two evils.
For now, I just want/need/BEG my body to get over the process of this miscarriage. It is hard both physically and emotionally to get through it and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing proof of not having another baby and I'm tired of feeling like crap, it's like I have this insane PMS that will NOT go away. And as I'm saying or doing things that I know are due to that, I still can't stop myself. All I can do is apologize afterward and hope that I am forgiven. I am sick of hormones and all the lovely (helloooo sarcasm) things my body is doing. Over it.
So, as both my heart and my body heal, I am looking to the future. I am looking to how I can take better care of myself, physically and emotionally. I have some ideas, the obvious (weight loss) and the not so obvious (what can I do differently?). As I figure them out, you'll read about it here, I miss blogging my 30 days of Muchness and I am looking forward to continuing it here. My baby blog :-)
The first, and largest of my changes, is that I have decided to get my tubes tied. Yep, that's huge. But it's a decision that I made a while ago. After we lost the pregnancy in September, and then decided to try once more, I knew that if that pregnancy wasn't successful (and it wasn't), I couldn't continue to try anymore. It's too hard emotionally, and physically. My body is tired, my heart is wounded and together that means no more.
There is a certain amount of grieving that is happening with this decision though. Although I know that I can't continue the sad path of more potential lost babies, I know that in doing this, I can't try for more babies. It's a weird conundrum to be in, tubal ligation is so final, but I can't stand the idea of being on birth control for the next 10+ years. The thought of the hormones and ugh....anyway. And a lot of people have asked why I'd do this instead of having hubby get a vasectomy. I just would rather, that's how I feel and so this is what we'll do.
I have three weeks until my surgery date, and I imagine I'll run through a variety of emotions leading up to it, and to be honest, thinking of being on that gurney and having it done, it makes me cry. It makes me sad and it is a little depressing. But I can handle those because they are at the nth degree of pain and sadness and depression that losing another precious baby would produce. And so it is the lesser of two evils.
For now, I just want/need/BEG my body to get over the process of this miscarriage. It is hard both physically and emotionally to get through it and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing proof of not having another baby and I'm tired of feeling like crap, it's like I have this insane PMS that will NOT go away. And as I'm saying or doing things that I know are due to that, I still can't stop myself. All I can do is apologize afterward and hope that I am forgiven. I am sick of hormones and all the lovely (helloooo sarcasm) things my body is doing. Over it.
So, as both my heart and my body heal, I am looking to the future. I am looking to how I can take better care of myself, physically and emotionally. I have some ideas, the obvious (weight loss) and the not so obvious (what can I do differently?). As I figure them out, you'll read about it here, I miss blogging my 30 days of Muchness and I am looking forward to continuing it here. My baby blog :-)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I will be back!
Today finishes my 30 day challenge....and back to my baby blog :-) After a good night sleep though!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Where to start?.....again
It's been so long since I've actively typed in here, and starting my 30 day challenge to find my Muchness has got me thinking. I'm enjoying that process, I'm learning a lot about myself, but in all honesty, I think I need a LOT more than 30 days to sort out the swirl in my brain.
I am finding myself more able and willing to look at things differently. Simple things such as not caring if someone got ahead of me in line, or having to wait an extra few minutes for something. I find those extra moments to be a small bonus in my day, an extra bit of time to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me. Is that always good? Not exactly, but I noticed them. I would never have noticed them before.
I also find myself being a tiny bit blah though at the same time. But it's an emotional blah, not a lack of muchness, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like maybe things aren't going just exactly the way I want or expect them to. And I get that this will be the case often, I have small children and a full time job, flexibility HAS to be a way of life. But more emotionally. And physically. Physically is a big one, because if I don't feel happy physically, I feel crappy emotionally. It's all tied together and I'm having a hell of time getting balance this last week or so. Where the hell is my ability to just go for it? To just ask??? Kind of back to square one in some regards.
Who knows, but at least this time I'm asking the questions instead of putting on a face. They're tough questions in my head and maybe, just maybe, I'll get the courage to ask them out loud. Maybe.
I am finding myself more able and willing to look at things differently. Simple things such as not caring if someone got ahead of me in line, or having to wait an extra few minutes for something. I find those extra moments to be a small bonus in my day, an extra bit of time to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me. Is that always good? Not exactly, but I noticed them. I would never have noticed them before.
I also find myself being a tiny bit blah though at the same time. But it's an emotional blah, not a lack of muchness, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like maybe things aren't going just exactly the way I want or expect them to. And I get that this will be the case often, I have small children and a full time job, flexibility HAS to be a way of life. But more emotionally. And physically. Physically is a big one, because if I don't feel happy physically, I feel crappy emotionally. It's all tied together and I'm having a hell of time getting balance this last week or so. Where the hell is my ability to just go for it? To just ask??? Kind of back to square one in some regards.
Who knows, but at least this time I'm asking the questions instead of putting on a face. They're tough questions in my head and maybe, just maybe, I'll get the courage to ask them out loud. Maybe.
Friday, July 15, 2011
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