Heading Into the Danger Zone

It's coming.

That day. The one year "anniversary".  And I can't stop it.  I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it.  Because trust me, I've tried.  I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.

But I'm wrong.  It is in the back of my mind constantly.  I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside.  It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage.  A year?  A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.

I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is.  It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today.  I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to".  Not happening.

So I thought about something.  When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week.  I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day.  Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be).  So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.