So, I keep talking about anger,sadness, and disappointment. Maybe I haven't said the word disappointment, but I've felt it. I feel as though I'm angry at other people and situations. I'm saddened by events and occurrences....some that are out of my control, some that are maybe within my control to some degree.
I've felt disappointment. Disappointment in myself, often. Disappointment in others, often enough. The disappointment in myself can range from all the food I felt I ate in a day that was "wrong", to the way I look, to the way I might have behaved in a situation. Disappointment in others, well, it could be at the way I was treated, or at the feeling of rejection or of not being "good enough, skinny enough....just about anything enough".
But today I thought about it and I need to stop blaming everyone else, or holding them responsible for the way I feel. Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". How true is that??? And I have that on a magnet on my refrigerator and I don't read it, I see it, but I don't read it. And if I'm not reading it, how can I be living it? So it's time for me to take responsibility for the way I feel about myself. It's not the job of my husband to make me feel good, it's not the job of my family to talk to me the way I think they should. I need to figure out how to take responsibility for my own emotions and not give consent to anyone or anything to make me feel inferior.
But a part of this post is grief. Grief is a feeling beyond control, mine or anyone's. Grief for a lost baby girl, for a dream lost. And what triggers it...who knows? Today, the fact that a wonderful friend of mine is having her baby tonight....and mine is in heaven. Not fair in any book. I'm so unbelievably sad that I can't even find the words for it. So I will cry, and I will grieve....again. How much grief is too much? How long is too long? I just don't know....for that, I can't take responsibility.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Angry
What is anger? What purpose does it serve? Does it eventually heal itself? It doesn't need much in the way of nutrition to stay alive. And it can live FOREVER, or so it seems. According to many who know me, I am not an angry or difficult person. To other people (hypothetically parents and sisters) I am angry and hold a grudge. So how the hell do I address this? My mother's suggestion: therapy. My sisters: ignore it. My Dad: who knows, he thinks I'm jealous of my new found brother (adopted out at birth by my mother). Does he even stop to think about WHO initiated that search? And that I sincerely do not feel anger at his need for my mom's time? Or that I'm actually grateful for his attention to her so I don't have to be the primary attention giver?
Anyway, there have been many times in my life when I've been angry. Angry at the nerve of a man who was supposed to love and protect me to lay his hands on me. Angry at the person who took advantage of a friendship for her own gains. And angry at other people as well....but those angers drove me to change my life, to improve my situation and to DO SOMETHING.
But this anger, this anger I'm not fully aware of but have been accused of having, how do I approach it or deal with it if I don't even know for sure if, how or where it exists? How do I determine who/what has/had caused it or is feeding it? Because to be honest, I don't feel it 99% of the time....and the 1% I do, it's a pretty obvious trigger. But deep seeded and seething....I don't get that.
I prefer not to be angry in my life, I'm enjoying that I now have a life of love and happy days, kisses, hugs and friends. I don't want drama, and unlike my "previous life" I don't invite drama. If I can see it coming, I slam the door and barricade it shut because in my life, it's just not welcome. Is that hiding? I don't think so, I think it's simply saying "NO" to something unwanted. Not to say I haven't had angry moments/hours/days in the recent past. Not to say that I have always behaved perfectly and not to say that I've handled all of that exactly the way an expert might have recommended, but I did handle it. It wasn't always pretty (okay, mostly wasn't pretty at all) and many hurts happened before the healing could, but the healing did prevail. It wasn't easy, it took personal work and team work and trust and love and all that, but I did it.
Why can't I do that with my sisters? My mom? My dad? Is there a fear they'll decide I'm not worth the bother? Will they stop loving me? Absurd. But they could stop liking me. And some days, I'd be okay with that. And that makes me angry.
Anyway, there have been many times in my life when I've been angry. Angry at the nerve of a man who was supposed to love and protect me to lay his hands on me. Angry at the person who took advantage of a friendship for her own gains. And angry at other people as well....but those angers drove me to change my life, to improve my situation and to DO SOMETHING.
But this anger, this anger I'm not fully aware of but have been accused of having, how do I approach it or deal with it if I don't even know for sure if, how or where it exists? How do I determine who/what has/had caused it or is feeding it? Because to be honest, I don't feel it 99% of the time....and the 1% I do, it's a pretty obvious trigger. But deep seeded and seething....I don't get that.
I prefer not to be angry in my life, I'm enjoying that I now have a life of love and happy days, kisses, hugs and friends. I don't want drama, and unlike my "previous life" I don't invite drama. If I can see it coming, I slam the door and barricade it shut because in my life, it's just not welcome. Is that hiding? I don't think so, I think it's simply saying "NO" to something unwanted. Not to say I haven't had angry moments/hours/days in the recent past. Not to say that I have always behaved perfectly and not to say that I've handled all of that exactly the way an expert might have recommended, but I did handle it. It wasn't always pretty (okay, mostly wasn't pretty at all) and many hurts happened before the healing could, but the healing did prevail. It wasn't easy, it took personal work and team work and trust and love and all that, but I did it.
Why can't I do that with my sisters? My mom? My dad? Is there a fear they'll decide I'm not worth the bother? Will they stop loving me? Absurd. But they could stop liking me. And some days, I'd be okay with that. And that makes me angry.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Irony
How do you slow down your appetite? Do you feed it? Do you ignore it? Do you pretend you don't see it, hear it, FEEL it? Or do you confront it head on?
My first instinct is to face it head on...but fear gets in the way. And fear is huge. Bigger than the appetite, yet it doesn't stifle it....they compete and that just sucks. And it's frustrating. I get frustrated with myself for not opening my mouth or using the voice I so bragged about 3 days ago, and I get frustrated that I have to. Seems I'm a conundrum any way you look at it.
All I know is that I need to get rid of both, and yet to succeed, I need them both...aaauuggghhhhhhh
Maybe I just need to go to bed and sleep on it....hahahahaha....the irony.
My first instinct is to face it head on...but fear gets in the way. And fear is huge. Bigger than the appetite, yet it doesn't stifle it....they compete and that just sucks. And it's frustrating. I get frustrated with myself for not opening my mouth or using the voice I so bragged about 3 days ago, and I get frustrated that I have to. Seems I'm a conundrum any way you look at it.
All I know is that I need to get rid of both, and yet to succeed, I need them both...aaauuggghhhhhhh
Maybe I just need to go to bed and sleep on it....hahahahaha....the irony.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Being thankful
So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for, my husband, my children, our health, our extended families and our jobs. But this Thanksgiving, I'm also thankful for surviving.
Yes, surviving. That could be in regards to the last year, the last 6 months, and the last week. This time last year I was an emotional wreck, partially (mostly) my own doing, but a wreck nonetheless. April and May had their extreme sadness and September with it's own drama. I feel like I've done a lot of backwards movement, but lately, the forward movement is finally getting more attention and is gaining ground. I'm thankful that I have a husband who, despite being so frustrated with me, stuck by me and heard me out. I'm thankful that he gave me the space and the support to seek the help that I needed, and I'm thankful that I used both.
I'm so thankful for the hugs my boys give me randomly, as well as when we greet and have to leave one another. I'm thankful that they say "I love you" to me, my husband and each other at odd moments and with complete and total trust that it is returned, and without embarrassment or shyness. I'm thankful that every night when my husband and I climb into bed, we kiss goodnight and hold hands or touch as we fall asleep.
It's also been a year of surprises and discoveries. Surprises like finding a brother, old friends and new ones where I never expected. And of finding in myself talents and strengths I never knew I had. And discoveries of new family members, new emotions and personalities. I'm thankful that I've been able to witness and experience these, both on my own and with my family.
And I'm thankful for finding my voice. For facing many of my fears and determining how I needed to handle adversity. I'm not 100% at using my voice yet, I still scare myself with the possible repercussions of saying what I might really mean, or really want, but baby steps....it might just be a whisper for now, but I hope it will get louder. But I've used it to confront old family issues, raise new ones and to stand up for myself.
So I'm thankful for a lot of things, a lot of people and a lot of experiences. But mostly, I'm thankful that I was here to see and be a part of it all. And to share it with the people I have. I'm going to try to spend my day remembering that.
Yes, surviving. That could be in regards to the last year, the last 6 months, and the last week. This time last year I was an emotional wreck, partially (mostly) my own doing, but a wreck nonetheless. April and May had their extreme sadness and September with it's own drama. I feel like I've done a lot of backwards movement, but lately, the forward movement is finally getting more attention and is gaining ground. I'm thankful that I have a husband who, despite being so frustrated with me, stuck by me and heard me out. I'm thankful that he gave me the space and the support to seek the help that I needed, and I'm thankful that I used both.
I'm so thankful for the hugs my boys give me randomly, as well as when we greet and have to leave one another. I'm thankful that they say "I love you" to me, my husband and each other at odd moments and with complete and total trust that it is returned, and without embarrassment or shyness. I'm thankful that every night when my husband and I climb into bed, we kiss goodnight and hold hands or touch as we fall asleep.
It's also been a year of surprises and discoveries. Surprises like finding a brother, old friends and new ones where I never expected. And of finding in myself talents and strengths I never knew I had. And discoveries of new family members, new emotions and personalities. I'm thankful that I've been able to witness and experience these, both on my own and with my family.
And I'm thankful for finding my voice. For facing many of my fears and determining how I needed to handle adversity. I'm not 100% at using my voice yet, I still scare myself with the possible repercussions of saying what I might really mean, or really want, but baby steps....it might just be a whisper for now, but I hope it will get louder. But I've used it to confront old family issues, raise new ones and to stand up for myself.
So I'm thankful for a lot of things, a lot of people and a lot of experiences. But mostly, I'm thankful that I was here to see and be a part of it all. And to share it with the people I have. I'm going to try to spend my day remembering that.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sigh
Oh my gosh, I'm lagging so bad. And I've so needed to get on here. Things are good, it's not like I have anything to complain about, but I just feel, well....noshy for talking. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it's the only thing I can come up with to say it.
There's a lot going on right now with work, and of course the day to day of family. I'm finding myself a little worried about Thanksgiving, and it's for a reason that's hard to even explain or rationalize I think. See, the last big holiday family get together was Easter. And it would have been a fine day except for one thing: I knew I was miscarrying my baby. And my husband was the only other one who knew since we'd not yet told anyone about the pregnancy. I had such horrible, horrible contractions (I was nearly 12 weeks) toward the end of the evening and when we finally got home, it was apparent that this was happening. We had found out a couple days before that our baby hadn't survived, and we were to go to the Dr the next week to confirm and take the next steps of the D&C, but Mother Nature, thank God, Mother Nature did her work naturally. But for some reason, the thought of a big family get together almost has me paralyzed....and so much has happened between now and then, even bigger and harder things, yet I'm still scared. I haven't said that out loud to anyone yet. And I'm not sure how to, or if I should. I'll have to play that one by ear.
My appetite these days has sadly, really been food. And the maddening part is that I start every day with the BEST of intentions. And it's not like I'm just horsing the food in, I just am not making the best choices, which leads to guilt, which leads to eating, and so on. I don't know why I let it happen, there are so many reasons NOT to do it. I hate how I look right now, I feel terrible about the way my clothes look on me and how I feel when I'm in bed next to my husband. That's the worst. The absolute worst. I'm pretty sure, and I say pretty because he tells me I'm crazy when I mention it, that he's not totally horrified, but still, I'd rather be the hot sexy thing he married and craved going to bed with. That's normal right? Well, two babies and a horrible 2010 have not helped me reach that desired normal. Sigh.
There's a lot going on right now with work, and of course the day to day of family. I'm finding myself a little worried about Thanksgiving, and it's for a reason that's hard to even explain or rationalize I think. See, the last big holiday family get together was Easter. And it would have been a fine day except for one thing: I knew I was miscarrying my baby. And my husband was the only other one who knew since we'd not yet told anyone about the pregnancy. I had such horrible, horrible contractions (I was nearly 12 weeks) toward the end of the evening and when we finally got home, it was apparent that this was happening. We had found out a couple days before that our baby hadn't survived, and we were to go to the Dr the next week to confirm and take the next steps of the D&C, but Mother Nature, thank God, Mother Nature did her work naturally. But for some reason, the thought of a big family get together almost has me paralyzed....and so much has happened between now and then, even bigger and harder things, yet I'm still scared. I haven't said that out loud to anyone yet. And I'm not sure how to, or if I should. I'll have to play that one by ear.
My appetite these days has sadly, really been food. And the maddening part is that I start every day with the BEST of intentions. And it's not like I'm just horsing the food in, I just am not making the best choices, which leads to guilt, which leads to eating, and so on. I don't know why I let it happen, there are so many reasons NOT to do it. I hate how I look right now, I feel terrible about the way my clothes look on me and how I feel when I'm in bed next to my husband. That's the worst. The absolute worst. I'm pretty sure, and I say pretty because he tells me I'm crazy when I mention it, that he's not totally horrified, but still, I'd rather be the hot sexy thing he married and craved going to bed with. That's normal right? Well, two babies and a horrible 2010 have not helped me reach that desired normal. Sigh.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Time to Celebrate
So it's been a few days. But it's been a good few days so I'm okay with that.
First, my baby blog is not a secret any longer, but that's okay. I don't know if I ever intended for anyone else to read this or not, but there it is. I don't know if it's been read or not, I just know that it's existence is known and with that, I just leave it to the universe.
Today is our wedding anniversary, and what a wonderful day. Just taking those moments to reflect on what was going on that big day. Nerves? Not for me, no. I knew that marrying this man was what I was meant to do, and there was, and still is, nothing that would change that. We started with a crazy story and have had a good time along the way discovering how the rest of the story will play out.
I got a view of myself in a photograph from yesterday and honestly, it's horrifying. I did not realize I looked that big, and I really need to fix that.
But today, I celebrate. I celebrate love, life, and all of those two things that I have been given. My marriage is a celebration, and I'm going to take the time to celebrate.
First, my baby blog is not a secret any longer, but that's okay. I don't know if I ever intended for anyone else to read this or not, but there it is. I don't know if it's been read or not, I just know that it's existence is known and with that, I just leave it to the universe.
Today is our wedding anniversary, and what a wonderful day. Just taking those moments to reflect on what was going on that big day. Nerves? Not for me, no. I knew that marrying this man was what I was meant to do, and there was, and still is, nothing that would change that. We started with a crazy story and have had a good time along the way discovering how the rest of the story will play out.
I got a view of myself in a photograph from yesterday and honestly, it's horrifying. I did not realize I looked that big, and I really need to fix that.
But today, I celebrate. I celebrate love, life, and all of those two things that I have been given. My marriage is a celebration, and I'm going to take the time to celebrate.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Setting expectations
A friend posted something today on Facebook that said: If you expect good things to happen, they do.
I want so badly for that to be true. I want to be able to set expectations for things and have them come true. I want to expect that I will conquer the weight this time. I want to expect that my children will always be well behaved. I want to expect that my husband will always think I'm sexy and funny and beautiful. I want to expect that my job will be there in the morning. I want to expect that my friends and family will be healthy and happy. I want to expect that I would have just one more healthy pregnancy.
I have a lot more expectations, and I have a lot of wishes. I wish I could get more motivated to lose weight and I wish that I could expect more of myself and live up to it. I have such good intentions everyday when I start out, but at some point, I just say "Screw it". It might be stress at work, it might be stress from home...or something might just look really freaking yummy and I figure tomorrow is another day. And I always forgive myself....or do I? I don't know if I do or if I ignore myself, which is much more likely.
If I expect my children to be courteous and respectful to others, shouldn't I expect myself to be respectful and courteous to me? If I expect my employees to perform to a certain standard, shouldn't I expect myself to perform to a higher standard? I could go on and on....and yes, I should expect more of myself. And that in itself is an expectation.
So tonight, I'm going to expect myself to follow through. To follow through on what I promise myself at the beginning of the day. And I'm going to expect myself to tell you about it tomorrow.
That is my expectation....small, but a start right?
I want so badly for that to be true. I want to be able to set expectations for things and have them come true. I want to expect that I will conquer the weight this time. I want to expect that my children will always be well behaved. I want to expect that my husband will always think I'm sexy and funny and beautiful. I want to expect that my job will be there in the morning. I want to expect that my friends and family will be healthy and happy. I want to expect that I would have just one more healthy pregnancy.
I have a lot more expectations, and I have a lot of wishes. I wish I could get more motivated to lose weight and I wish that I could expect more of myself and live up to it. I have such good intentions everyday when I start out, but at some point, I just say "Screw it". It might be stress at work, it might be stress from home...or something might just look really freaking yummy and I figure tomorrow is another day. And I always forgive myself....or do I? I don't know if I do or if I ignore myself, which is much more likely.
If I expect my children to be courteous and respectful to others, shouldn't I expect myself to be respectful and courteous to me? If I expect my employees to perform to a certain standard, shouldn't I expect myself to perform to a higher standard? I could go on and on....and yes, I should expect more of myself. And that in itself is an expectation.
So tonight, I'm going to expect myself to follow through. To follow through on what I promise myself at the beginning of the day. And I'm going to expect myself to tell you about it tomorrow.
That is my expectation....small, but a start right?
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