Deja Freaking Vu

It's February 27th, and all my talk in December, well, I did it.  I talked and for a period of time I actually followed it.  But yes, stress and work and life, all the usual excuses happened. I have let myself talk myself into all of them, and I have no excuse for that.

But I had an intersting conversation yesterday, kind of hard to explain, but with someone who helped me talk to myself. Does that make ANY sense?  Well, it does in my head so yes, it does.  Anyway, "we" talked about how I get sabotaged when I begin to succeed.  That I allow myself to believe that I am not really going to succeed so why should I continue?  That I allow myself to let the doubts of others get in my way.  And that despite what I have believed all this time, I am NOT my biggest saboteur.  I'm not.  And I have a good idea of who it has been in the past and who it is in the now.  Identifying that, believing that, it's powerful.  It's powerful to believe that I, get this, ACTUALLY HAVE CONTROL over this.  I can ignore the haters, the doubters and those that need to keep me in their safe zone.  In their safe zone, they know how to handle me, they know what to expect and it doesn't upset any apple carts.

But look out apples and carts, because I'm going to upset you all.  That is my goal, not just the necessary weight loss, the quest for health, but to flip the almighty bird to the ones who don't want me to succeed, and think I can't.

I love to be told I can't.  Because I know I can.

So, gym this morning and an actual full day of low carb diet.  This is my plan for the time being, let's see how it goes!

P/S: Just for clarification, my husband is NOT the sabotager in my life.  He is my biggest supporter and champion of finding myself and for my happiness.  I think most people automatically assume that the husband is a likely culprit and I wanted to make sure I was clear :-)

Start Fresh - Fresh Start

Already....so yes, that means I pigged out.
It's the stress, I can't seem to stop myself when I'm stressed, but I also blame not having brought adequate food of my own, so tonight I packed more appropriately and am feeling ready for tomorrow.

The one good thing:  I caught myself.  Not before, but not as long after as the past. So I'll take that as a teeny tiny baby step.  I haven't been to any meetings this week,and not sure how next week will work since the one I like is on Monday and that's a holiday, AND a workday for me.  The busiest workday of the year so I need to be fully prepared and get myself prepared for what it will be like:  stressful and maniacal.  Not a good mix for me and my eating habits, but I'm trying to plan.

I also need to start thinking about a food program.  Something to follow (Weight Watchers, Atkins, ????) because some guidance is good.  Weight Watchers always worked for me because of the accountability of the weekly weigh ins, but I like the way the weight comes off with Atkins, my body really seems to respond to that.  Maybe a combination?  Something to ponder.

Ready for the freshest start EVER.

Surviving the Holidays?

I don't know if I can say I've been "great" for the holidays, but I can say this:  Not as a justification but I gave myself permission to just chill for the holidays. Not to eat everything I wanted, but not to stress about it.  And strangely, not that I ate like a bird, but I didn't pig out as much as I'd thought I might. 

But I have to take back that permission because it's too close to saying I don't have a problem, or that I am in any shape or form in control of my eating.  Because I'm not.  But I'm recognizing and admitting it...I just have to get better about acting on it. 

New Year, New Attitude, New Habits

Maintaining is a bitch

My goal through the holidays is to maintain.  Maintain my weight and use this time to really look at my eating habits, figure out what it is that drives me to eat, why I feel the need to grab food and what I'm feeling when it happens.

One big thing I'm noticing...and I knew this...I'm a serious stress eater.  When my brain is spinning, I seem to find some sort of grounding by grabbing food.  It wouldn't be so bad if I was grabbing healthy food, so I need to figure out some snacks that won't be boring, but more importantly, I need to find a different coping mechanism.  I have an idea I'm going to try through this next week.  Walk away.  If my brain is going too many directions, I'm going to try and pull it back into focus with a walk, even if it's just one lap around my floor.  Can't hurt right?

I made some good decisions today,and was able to turn down a huge chunk of my favorite cake:  red velvet from Nothing Bundt Cakes.  I compromised by having just a fork full.  I got to satisfy the taste, but didn't need the huge chunk I usually eat, gluttonous and unnecessary.

I also got to talk to a friend who is looking amazing. She's losing weight, but more importantly, really toning up.  She told me about the program she's using, and I might do it.  It might be my Christmas present to myself :-)  I deserve it right?

Disappointed

Ugh....I'm really disappointed in myself today.

I have been doing really well at work with not snacking.  I have walked by countless cubicles and desks and counter spaces covered in chocolates and cookies and candycanes and all that good stuff. All the easy to "drive by" foods.  I was thinking about it today and when I've done the crazy drive by eating before, I seem to have had this bizarre theory:  If no one saw me eat it, then I must not have.  Kind of a fat person's version of "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  It's amazing the ways I find that I have used to excuse myself for eating.

Today was such a day.  After all the realizations I had, and doing as well as I did with all the baking I've done (not perfect, but better), I screwed up royally today. See, I've done a good job of clearing all the stuff out of my way, packaging it, delivering it and being gone with it, which helps.  Today I did something I'm finding I'm notorious for.  The food hoarding.

I took in a bag of all the extras in the house...the fudge, the sugar cookies, the pretzels, to put on my desk so everyone could help me get rid of it.  Which they would have given the chance.  Now, I did give away some, but there it was, sitting in my space, daring to smell good, look good and yes....taste good.  And I ate them.  Not every piece.  Not all of it.  But way more of it than I needed.  And I have to admit, I didn't make a very good effort at getting it out to other people...because I wanted it.  Epic fail in my goal of not being compulsive.

My name is Tine and I am a compulsive overeater. 

Tomorrow I will:
Work my tools
Eat only what I bring (breakfast, lunch and snacks are packed...NO EXCUSE!)
Call or talk to someone when I find myself feeling compulsive.

Falling down and getting back up

It's been a few days since I posted, but work has literally been a bitch.  A lot of work going on and it's a serious buzz kill.  And it's hard on a girl trying to be good with her diet, and herself.  My idea of "if I didn't bring it, I don't eat it" got it's value proven.

I did that so well all week last week.  That is a huge success.  But Saturday was another full work day, and with not being in that mindset Friday night, I didn't pack my lunch.  I knew we had potluck leftovers (including healthy stuff) so I wasn't too worried about lunch.  But I stopped on the way to work and got a fast food breakfast.  Pretty much a fail.  But not total failure because I did at least pass up on getting the 2 dozen donuts I normally would have, so that was a success.  I'd be lying if I said it was easy having to pick and choose food items that were "fair game" but I felt pretty good about my overall choices.

The rest of the weekend was spent baking.  I know? What in the hell was I thinking??? Me? Hungry? Compulsive? Baking?  yep.  And if I said I didn't have a single bite of anything, that would be a lie.  I did pick, but not nearly to the extent of past digressions....and I didn't hide those bites, which would be my usual M.O.  But I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have more than I should have.

I only had about a day and half off this weekend, and I tried to use up all the time wisely.  I baked goodies for my work friends and I spent time with my family.  A nice long hike, a treasure hunt for things little boys think are valuable and lots of fresh air which was good. 

I realized I was having trouble refocusing on the abstinence from food I am supposed to be working on.  And then I realized I hadn't been to one of my meetings in a week, so I made time to go to one today and boy am I ever glad that I did.  It re-invigorated me to think about what I am doing: What am I putting in my mouth?  Why am I putting it there?  What was I thinking when I did it?  It goes back to eating my feelings.  Feeling less than something, feeling left out and feeling a little neglected...those answers and more.  And I need to find a way to re-direct the coping skills to something far more productive than baking or worse, eating.  One thing I did forget today was my little journal to track all this stuff...again, the importance of using the tools that I have is proven.  They obviously work and I need to use them.  I can't do this the way I always have, it's proven NOT to work.

So, I did fall down a bit this weekend, but I think I get points for having recognized and pulled back sooner than later and giving myself a better opportunity to overcome....and get back up again.

Tomorrow is another day and I will use my tools, I will pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and I will forgive myself in all the right ways.  Not by rewarding myself with food, but with self love and self respect.  I see that I am seriously lacking both.

Feeling the Love!

I reached out last night.  I sent a message to a group of friends and family, asking them to try to understand that I have a problem.

"Hello. My name is Tine and I am a Compulsive Overeater"

I was ashamed and embarrassed when I sent that message, but I had to, I needed to.  See, accountability for me is key.  If I know someone is paying attention, I work just that little bit harder to achieve.  I know that's not the best, or even right, motivation for me, but right now any motivation is good motivation.  Until I can sort our why I can't let myself be healthy and non compulsive, I'll take what I can get.

I posted in my Finding My Muchness post tonight about those friends and family.  About how they overwhelmed me with the responses and identifying with the struggle I am having.  I am so honored that they felt able to open up and discuss their own insecurities and issues.  Beyond honored..I was humbled.

This humility overrides my snarkiness tonight...I have to simply say, again, THANK YOU! You've inspired me to continue what I have only just started.  This will be a long and sometimes painful journey, but how lucky am I to have these women by my side?

Love to them and all who may find their way to this blog or Finding My Muchness....we all deserve it.