I want to be...

Devoured.  In all the best ways possible.  That's all.

What motivates me?

That's a puzzle I need to figure out.  I guess it depends on what I'm trying to get motivated for... so I'm going to address getting healthy since that's a big one. 

First and foremost it's for my family, to be able to participate in family activities, day to day, fun outings, whatever might come up without being winded or uncomfortable in my clothes and/or body.  But mostly to be around for them.  I need to keep it in my mind that my family history on both sides is terrible for heart disease...early heart attacks for all my grandparents.  And my dad had one at 60, and my mom has had anxiety and suffers from diabetes.  These alone should be motivators.

Vanity:  Yep, vanity.  It is so up front and center for me...how I look to myself and other people.  And sadly, I have a very different idea of what I look like than what other people see I think.  As in, I tend to think I look better than I do, then there's one of those shockers that hits:  a photo, a dressing room mirror...

And my relationships:  Not just with people, but with food.  I think I revert to eating because it's comfortable, it never says no and it's always so good.  I need to "divorce" food with a good attitude.  I never want to hate food, but I need to figure out how to make it a less important part of my life.  I need to figure out how to get my will power back.  I've had it before, why the fuck can't I get it back now?  Especially because to me, one very important relationship is being jeapordized by this relationship with food:  the one with myself and my confidence, and what I percieve as a lack of a sex life because of what I look like.  THAT is a huge motivator...but how to remind myself of that during the day when temptation looms? 

So, there are many motivators, probably more than I've even thought about, but I need to figure out what motivates me most and move on it. 

I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated that I am not making any progress with myself physically, and it's like a vicious cycle.  I feel totally unsexy, unattractive and to some degree....unhealthy.  So, what do I do to make myself feel better?  Well, I eat, I mope and I totally back off from asking for what I want.  And that is so not me, but it seems to be more that way than ever before since my "previous life". 

I have lost all confidence....in myself physically and sexually.  That's it.  I guess that frustrates me more than anything...usually if things are slow, I don't hesitate to jump in and get things started.  This time last year, I was showing up unexpectedly for afternoon fun and without thought to what might any opinion might be of my behaviour OR my body.  But not now.  I don't know, it's a vicious cycle....and I need to get off the ugly wheel of it before it gets worse.  I have to.

Taking responsibility....and grief

So, I keep talking about anger,sadness, and disappointment.  Maybe I haven't said the word disappointment, but I've felt it.  I feel as though I'm angry at other people and situations.  I'm saddened by events and occurrences....some that are out of my control, some that are maybe within my control to some degree. 

I've felt disappointment.  Disappointment in myself, often.  Disappointment in others, often enough.  The disappointment in myself can range from all the food I felt I ate in a day that was "wrong", to the way I look, to the way I might have behaved in a situation.  Disappointment in others, well, it could be at the way I was treated, or at the feeling of rejection or of not being "good enough, skinny enough....just about anything enough". 

But today I thought about it and I need to stop blaming everyone else, or holding them responsible for the way I feel.  Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".  How true is that???  And I have that on a magnet on my refrigerator and I don't read it, I see it, but I don't read it.  And if I'm not reading it, how can I be living it?  So it's time for me to take responsibility for the way I feel about myself.  It's not the job of my husband to make me feel good, it's not the job of my family to talk to me the way I think they should.  I need to figure out how to take responsibility for my own emotions and not give consent to anyone or anything to make me feel inferior.

But a part of this post is grief.  Grief is a feeling beyond control, mine or anyone's.  Grief for a lost baby girl, for a dream lost.  And what triggers it...who knows?  Today, the fact that a wonderful friend of mine is having her baby tonight....and mine is in heaven.  Not fair in any book.  I'm so unbelievably sad that I can't even find the words for it.  So I will cry, and I will grieve....again.  How much grief is too much?  How long is too long?  I just don't know....for that, I can't take responsibility.

Angry

What is anger?  What purpose does it serve?  Does it eventually heal itself?  It doesn't need much in the way of nutrition to stay alive.  And it can live FOREVER, or so it seems.  According to many who know me, I am not an angry or difficult person.  To other people (hypothetically parents and sisters) I am angry and hold a grudge.  So how the hell do I address this?  My mother's suggestion:  therapy.  My sisters:  ignore it.  My Dad:  who knows, he thinks I'm jealous of my new found brother (adopted out at birth by my mother).  Does he even stop to think about WHO initiated that search?  And that I sincerely do not feel anger at his need for my mom's time?  Or that I'm actually grateful for his attention to her so I don't have to be the primary attention giver?

Anyway, there have been many times in my life when I've been angry.  Angry at the nerve of a man who was supposed to love and protect me to lay his hands on me.  Angry at the person who took advantage of a friendship for her own gains.  And angry at other people as well....but those angers drove me to change my life, to improve my situation and to DO SOMETHING.

But this anger, this anger I'm not fully aware of but have been accused of having, how do I approach it or deal with it if I don't even know for sure if, how or where it exists?  How do I determine who/what has/had caused it or is feeding it?  Because to be honest, I don't feel it 99% of the time....and the 1% I do, it's a pretty obvious trigger.  But deep seeded and seething....I don't get that. 

I prefer not to be angry in my life, I'm enjoying that I now have a life of love and happy days, kisses, hugs and friends.  I don't want drama, and unlike my "previous life" I don't invite drama.  If I can see it coming, I slam the door and barricade it shut because in my life, it's just not welcome.  Is that hiding?  I don't think so, I think it's simply saying "NO" to something unwanted.  Not to say I haven't had angry moments/hours/days in the recent past.  Not to say that I have always behaved perfectly and not to say that I've handled all of that exactly the way an expert might have recommended, but I did handle it.  It wasn't always pretty (okay, mostly wasn't pretty at all) and many hurts happened before the healing could, but the healing did prevail.  It wasn't easy, it took personal work and team work and trust and love and all that, but I did it.

Why can't I do that with my sisters?  My mom?  My dad?  Is there a fear they'll decide I'm not worth the bother?  Will they stop loving me?  Absurd.  But they could stop liking me.  And some days, I'd be okay with that.  And that makes me angry.

Irony

How do you slow down your appetite?  Do you feed it?  Do you ignore it?  Do you pretend you don't see it, hear it, FEEL it?  Or do you confront it head on? 

My first instinct is to face it head on...but fear gets in the way.  And fear is huge.  Bigger than the appetite, yet it doesn't stifle it....they compete and that just sucks.  And it's frustrating.  I get frustrated with myself for not opening my mouth or using the voice I so bragged about 3 days ago, and I get frustrated that I have to.  Seems I'm a conundrum any way you look at it.

All I know is that I need to get rid of both, and yet to succeed, I need them both...aaauuggghhhhhhh

Maybe I just need to go to bed and sleep on it....hahahahaha....the irony.

Being thankful

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to be thankful for, my husband, my children, our health, our extended families and our jobs.  But this Thanksgiving, I'm also thankful for surviving.

Yes, surviving.  That could be in regards to the last year, the last 6 months, and the last week.  This time last year I was an emotional wreck, partially (mostly) my own doing, but a wreck nonetheless.  April and May had their extreme sadness and September with it's own drama.  I feel like I've done a lot of backwards movement, but lately, the forward movement is finally getting more attention and is gaining ground.  I'm thankful that I have a husband who, despite being so frustrated with me, stuck by me and heard me out.  I'm thankful that he gave me the space and the support to seek the help that I needed, and I'm thankful that I used both. 

I'm so thankful for the hugs my boys give me randomly, as well as when we greet and have to leave one another. I'm thankful that they say "I love you" to me, my husband and each other at odd moments and with complete and total trust that it is returned, and without embarrassment or shyness.  I'm thankful that every night when my husband and I climb into bed, we kiss goodnight and hold hands or touch as we fall asleep. 

It's also been a year of surprises and discoveries.  Surprises like finding a brother, old friends and new ones where I never expected.  And of finding in myself talents and strengths I never knew I had.  And discoveries of new family members, new emotions and personalities.  I'm thankful that I've been able to witness and experience these, both on my own and with my family.

And I'm thankful for finding my voice.  For facing many of my fears and determining how I needed to handle adversity.  I'm not 100% at using my voice yet, I still scare myself with the possible repercussions of saying what I might really mean, or really want, but baby steps....it might just be a whisper for now, but I hope it will get louder.  But I've used it to confront old family issues, raise new ones and to stand up for myself. 

So I'm thankful for a lot of things, a lot of people and a lot of experiences.  But mostly, I'm thankful that I was here to see and be a part of it all.  And to share it with the people I have.  I'm going to try to spend my day remembering that.