Today Part 2 - Triggers

I feel like I've minimized the impact last night's conversation had on me.  Yes, it motivated me to get my arse back in gear. To get to the gym, to eat healthier today.  But that's not all.

It hurt.  It hurts.  It really, really hurts.  And it makes me mad.  Really mad.  And I'm fighting like a beast not to let it be the world's biggest trigger for my emotional eating.  Because food loves me like I am, it's happy to console me.  Lumps and bumps?  Food does not care.  

I have all my apps updated:  LoseIt!, FitBit, goals set on MapMyWalk, everything I need to keep myself accountable and on track.  But who will help my heart and my brain to say that a ite of something won't be so good. That I'll regret those bites.

Tonight is a work Christmas party.  Word is that the menu will have prime rib, vegetarian lasagna, and of course, desserts to die for.  Recipe for disaster for an emotional eater on this trigger heavy day.  

Ouch. Honesty hurts.

Part 1 today:

The gym:  I did it.  I had a great workout, brought out some of my old workouts when I was with the personal trainer and did a combination of cardio and bodyweight work, there was sweat.  And that felt good.

But I have to talk about what happened after my post last night.  My family, I love them.  I really, really love them.  One of the things my husband and I really emphasize with our boys is honesty.  We would rather know the truth and have to deal with it than to find out later about things. And we had to have an honest talk last night.  And the honest feedback last night:  my health is a concern.  And by health there is a definite emphasis on weight.  I have let it go too far, too bad and too much.  I know this. But hearing it from the faces I love?  Ouch. OMG. Hurt. So sad.  But, it was honest, and it was out of love and concern. And for preserving life and love.  So there's that.  I have to do this for me, but there is more at stake.

I have young boys.  Active young boys and a desire to keep up with them.  I don't want to be on the sidelines, unable to participate.  I want to be that fit, fab Mom and wife.  I want healthy.  I want energy.  And I want so much more.

Honesty. Gotta love it.

Bring On The Week

Tomorrow starts a new week and health is on the agenda.

--- Gym back packed
--- Gym clothes laid out for early morning workout before work

That's it so far.  But after a full weekend of soccer tournament and getting zero chores (laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping), it's a pretty good start.  I'm lucky that I'm within easy distance of healthy food for lunch at work, and tomorrow night I'll be prepared for grocery shopping with a list of all the good stuff I need and want.  I had some greek yogurt with honey and blueberries Friday.....so good.  And I got a great surprise when I found 6 healthy ready to pick pomegranates on a sad little tree we have, got the arils all out of three and am looking forward to snacking on those.

Lots more ground to cover, but I'm headed the right way, bring on the week!

Distractions

Today was my first full day with my Facebook account out of my reach.  It's still active, but the application itself is deleted off my phone, so I have no way to access it.

I won't lie.  I found myself wishing here and there that I could get on, but the feeling passed quickly and I reminded myself that I should be looking around me and experiencing the day, not buried inside an electronic device.

Today I was proud of myself for getting out and walking, for going by myself and getting it done.  It was a beautiful COLD morning, and staying in my warm bed would have been easy enough to do.  But I had laid out my clothes last night and told myself I would go.  With no one expecting me, or meeting me, ignoring all that would have been easy.  So big gold star for me!  3 miles of hilly trail in the cold air!

But it didn't make my eating perfect, and because so much of my eating is linked to emotions, it was a hard day.  Being at our youngest son's soccer tournament was fun, it was exciting, it was a beautiful sunny day with friends and family.  But I also feel as though I faked my way through most of it.  The world is full of distractions and I feel like they are shinier than me, more exciting than me, preferred over me.  And feeling like that is a huge trigger for eating. This is what I hope to work on more over the next 30 days (and beyond).   Find a better, healthier, smarter say to deal with those emotions.  And to find out how to talk about them.  How not to distract myself with food.

There are always distractions. Now to figure out the good ones.

I'm Baaaaaack! Again....

I'm so excited, not just to be back, but to actually be back.  I have spent the last day trying to get logged back in to this blog, Google + messed me up and there was some serious "I'm NOT a computer person" frustration happening to get here.  But I'm here.

And I'm back.  Again.  Over a year later.  A lot has happened in this year, but I won't bore the place up with all those stories.  Bottom line, I haven't done a lot of what I intended, including getting healthy.

I had a cervical spine fusion at C4-5 in January 2014, and I worked out with my personal trainer up to the day before surgery and was back at it as soon as I could.  And then I wasn't.  From then to now....40 lbs.  Yes. 40 lbs.  I said it out loud.  40 freaking oh my god what the hell was I thinking pounds.  Almost 4 years to the day of the last one, I had a fat girl meltdown.  I have had to pack up all the cute clothes I was wearing last year to make way for the fat clothes, and I hate my fat clothes.  I hate the idea of spending any money on them because I never intend to wear them long.

But not looking good, and not wearing nice clothes that I'm proud of or feel sexy, fashionable, comfortable in, that takes it's own toll, a spiral into the blahs.

The answer isn't nicer, cuter, newer fat clothes.  It's packing away the fat clothes (in the donate bin!!!) and getting myself healthy and fit enough to wear the cute stuff I packed up.

I've done 30 Day Muchness Challenges in the past.  I've loved them, I've posted, taken pictures and shared on Facebook.  But this one, this challenge to myself to get healthy, and not be fat, well, that is too scary, too personal for FB.  So I challenged myself to delete FB off my phone and focus on health, not drama.  Me, not all the easy to compare to people and lives in my news feed.  So here I am.  This is where I'll lay it out, my progress, frustrations, decisions and tracking of better choices.

30 days.  Every day.
I'm back.

It's Time

Oh my gosh!  It has been a really, really, REALLY long time since I've written here.  So much has gone on:  Work and job changes, weight loss and weight gain, surgery and just plain old life.

I decided yesterday that I needed to let go of Facebook for a while, it's just too disruptive and takes up too much of my time. And that's because I have such a nosy personality, I always feel the need to keep checking to see what is changing, who's doing what and overall just letting it suck time away from my family and from me.

So here I am.  And this is where I should be because it's time for me.  It's time for me to focus on getting back to where I was physically before surgery (I had to have cervical spinal surgery in January) because I can't seem to get a grasp on what to do and to flat get the motivation to eat right and do what I know to do.  Part of it is because I am no longer working with my trainer.  Between surgery and him leaving my gym, I feel a bit like a lost soul wandering about the gym.  I worked out a lot on my own as well, but he was always there, watching and keeping an eye to see if I was really working so I had a lot of accountability.

And accountability is definitely what it's time for.  So I'm back here.  And I'm going to be accountable to who knows who or what.....but I'm going to imagine that thousands are waiting with baited breath to read what I do next....haha.

At least tonight I took the initiative and got myself out for a walk....after my first 8 hour day back to work after surgery, that was an effort.  But I did it and it felt good.

It was, and is, time.  For this.  For Me.

Exercise and Me

Tonight's post is a cheat, I copied it from my Muchness post today at FindingMyMuchness.com.  But it's today's thoughts and achievements.

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm always thinking about Muchness.  Once you do your 30 day challenge and dig deep to find your Muchness, you just can't lose it.  You think about it when you see something pretty, shiny, inspiring, heartwarming....anything that gives you that little happy tingle.

What I have today is so not what I would have ever expected to say was one of those above.  Yes, I got a tingle, but it's all different, let me explain.

So the word that I have to say is causing this Muchy Muchness feeling, isn't really a word, it's actually an acronym: HIIT   This stands for High Intensity Interval Training. 

And it's kicking my ass.

See, for those who read my earlier 30 day challenge, you know how I feel about the elliptical.  I don't.  I hate it.  Well, I hated it.  But because of my ankle issues, it's a must do instead of the treadmill so I decided to suffer through and start on it.

I have always considered myself somewhat athletic, always like to be out and moving around and exercising in some shape or form.  And when I made it to the gym for any consecutive pattern (hey!!! 1 time a week for 3 weeks is a pattern!!!), I threw around phrases like "During my workout..." "At my gym...." "I work out" like the athlete I considered myself to be.  I mean, I looked official.  I wore the clothes, the shoes, carried a towel and a bottle of water...that's me, worked out.  I'd putz around the treadmill, lift weights at a few of the machines, wipe my dry brow with my always dry towel and pat myself on the back for a job well done.  I mean, what were people complaining about?

I need to back up a few steps....a few months ago I had a meltdown.  I messaged all my beautiful women friends on FB and told them I was fat, I hated my body and I had to admit that I have a problem with food.  It hurt, it was painful and it sucked to face the reality of what I had done to myself and where I was.  I sent my husband a long email outlining my failures and sadness and from him and my friends, I received the most beautiful responses of support and love and inspiration.  And so I kind of started to work out, and to kind of watch my eating....but I didn't get serious.

Fast forward to the beginning of March this year.  It was time to go for it.  I had big changes in my life, a new job, new responsibilities, house hunting, lots of stuff and I needed to focus.  So, I started tackling the elliptical....5 sad minutes one day, 8 the next....and some half assed weight lifting at the machines.  Not really doing what I needed but at least I was eating better and starting to lose some weight.

Then came Alyssa.  My friend Alyssa at work challenged me to join her in the Self Magazine Drop 10 challenge and do their workouts.  "Sure, why not?" I thought.  "I work out."  No I didn't.  I showed up.  I started doing the toning exercises and was a hot mess.  Then came the HIIT workouts......sprints on the elliptical.  WTH???  But I had to try.  The first, sprint 8 seconds, rest 12 seconds.  Seriously, they think I can rest in 12 seconds?  I couldn't even catch my breath enough to get a freaking drink!  8 seconds has never felt SO long in my lifef. But I did it, I finished it to the end and walked away with pride.  Then came today....sprint 90 seconds, rest 3 minutes.  I won't lie.  It wasn't pretty, I huffed and puffed, and I sweated, heck, even my forearms were sweaty!!!!  And this week, for the first time, I actually USED my towel for more than an accessory.  And I realized I really DO need more than one bottle of water.  And I had to sit for 10 minutes in the equipment room to cool off.  But I did it.  I DID IT!!!!  For me, a victory I never saw coming, but I DID IT!!!

Besides the fact that I feel like I conquered a massive obstacle, I've lost 12 lbs. this month, 3 of those since I started the HIIT workouts.  And I'm losing inches, but I only measured myself tonight so I don't know the total.  I owe Alyssa a huge thank you, even if I do curse her a little during the supposed rest periods :-)    And I owe my husband an even bigger thank you, because ever since I poured my sad fat heart out to him, he has been the most amazing cheerleader in my journey, I don't think there's anyone who wants to see me succeed more than he does.

So HIIT has made me incredibly Muchy today....and even more again in the coming weeks (I'm faking bravado....I just peeked ahead to next weeks workouts :/  But I'm going to do it, because I need to keep making MYSELF proud too!