A Time for Grieving and A Time For Change

So I have come to the realization that it is time for more change.

The first, and largest of my changes, is that I have decided to get my tubes tied.  Yep, that's huge.  But it's a decision that I made a while ago.  After we lost the pregnancy in September, and then decided to try once more, I knew that if that pregnancy wasn't successful (and it wasn't), I couldn't continue to try anymore.  It's too hard emotionally, and physically.  My body is tired, my heart is wounded and together that means no more. 

There is a certain amount of grieving that is happening with this decision though.  Although I know that I can't continue the sad path of more potential lost babies, I know that in doing this, I can't try for more babies.  It's a weird conundrum to be in, tubal ligation is so final, but I can't stand the idea of being on birth control for the next 10+ years.  The thought of the hormones and ugh....anyway.  And a lot of people have asked why I'd do this instead of having hubby get a vasectomy.  I just would rather, that's how I feel and so this is what we'll do.

I have three weeks until my surgery date, and I imagine I'll run through a variety of emotions leading up to it, and to be honest, thinking of being on that gurney and having it done, it makes me cry.  It makes me sad and it is a little depressing.  But I can handle those because they are at the nth degree of pain and sadness and depression that losing another precious baby would produce.  And so it is the lesser of two evils.

For now, I just want/need/BEG my body to get over the process of this miscarriage.  It is hard both physically and emotionally to get through it and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of seeing proof of not having another baby and I'm tired of feeling like crap, it's like I have this insane PMS that will NOT go away.  And as I'm saying or doing things that I know are due to that, I still can't stop myself.  All I can do is apologize afterward and hope that I am forgiven.  I am sick of hormones and all the lovely (helloooo sarcasm) things my body is doing.  Over it.

So, as both my heart and my body heal, I am looking to the future.  I am looking to how I can take better care of myself, physically and emotionally.  I have some ideas, the obvious (weight loss) and the not so obvious (what can I do differently?).  As I figure them out, you'll read about it here, I miss blogging my 30 days of Muchness and I am looking forward to continuing it here.  My baby blog :-)

I will be back!

Today finishes my 30 day challenge....and back to my baby blog :-)  After a good night sleep though!

Where to start?.....again

It's been so long since I've actively typed in here, and starting my 30 day challenge to find my Muchness has got me thinking.  I'm enjoying that process, I'm learning a lot about myself, but in all honesty, I think I need a LOT more than 30 days to sort out the swirl in my brain.

I am finding myself more able and willing to look at things differently.  Simple things such as not caring if someone got ahead of me in line, or having to wait an extra few minutes for something.  I find those extra moments to be a small bonus in my day, an extra bit of time to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me.  Is that always good?  Not exactly, but I noticed them.  I would never have noticed them before. 

I also find myself being a tiny bit blah though at the same time.  But it's an emotional blah, not a lack of muchness, if that makes sense.  Sometimes I feel like maybe things aren't going just exactly the way I want or expect them to.  And I get that this will be the case often, I have small children and a full time job, flexibility HAS to be a way of life.  But more emotionally.  And physically.  Physically is a big one, because if I don't feel happy physically, I feel crappy emotionally.  It's all tied together and I'm having a hell of time getting balance this last week or so.  Where the hell is my ability to just go for it?  To just ask???  Kind of back to square one in some regards.

Who knows, but at least this time I'm asking the questions instead of putting on a face.  They're tough questions in my head and maybe, just maybe, I'll get the courage to ask them out loud.  Maybe.

Muchness

My Muchness challenge is motivating me to get back on here....stay tuned!!!

Decisions

It's decision time.  Time is getting shorter, and that is not kind for me.  My clock is ticking, literally.  I really, really, REALLY want to have another baby.  I want to be pregnant, to feel that life growing inside me, to share the movement with my husband and two boys.  I want to be excited and plan and be anxious and all the normal feelings that go along with it.  I want to glow and to be heavy with baby, I'd happily take the back pain, the swelling feet, the nausea, whatever came my way....but time is running out....I'm not getting any younger.

But I don't know.  I'm scared of the other scary things:  the high, high odds of another Trisomy 18 baby, having to wait 10 grueling weeks to know if that was the case.  To not be able to share my joy, my fear and my hopes with my friends and family until I knew what I needed to know.  To find out that we have to make another horrible, sad, tragic and heartbreaking choice.  I try to imagine that going into it being educated about the possibility could make it easier.  Yes, testing earlier makes things easier physically, but honestly, can my heart take another loss like losing our baby girl in September?  Does being educated help that?  I don't think so.  Granted, the blindsiding train wouldn't hit like last time, but I don't know if I could recover again emotionally.  It still feels so raw some days.  It feels like yesterday and it feels like a year ago. 

My heart aches for my lost little blue butterfly girl, and it aches for the possibilities.  But it aches even more to imagine releasing two butterflies into the universe.  I have a decision to make

Valentine's Year

So today is Valentine's Day.  I see messages from people all over Facebook exclaiming their love and thanking their spouses/significant others for their gifts, flowers, dinners, etc.  It's beautiful, it's touching, and I wouldn't have any of it.

See, I'm lucky.  So lucky.  Lucky and fortunate to have a husband who tells me everyday that he loves me.  And to have a husband that does things everyday to show me he loves me.  He loves our children, he loves me, and he shows and tells us everyday.  So yes, I have Valentine's Year.

Lucky Me!!!!!

Because and Really

Really? I'm here again? Trying to explain myself TO myself and wondering how the hell I've managed to STILL not do anything.  Okay, so I've felt like crap, but again, still an excuse.  I have a lot of them. 

I know the why, the what, the how...I just need the get off my ass pill.  You'd think that given how it makes me feel, and the repercussions of it, that'd be enough.  I think I just feel like I can't get my arms around it to get motivated.  I need motivation.  Something positive, not "Because I'm too fat" "Because I hate looking at myself" "Because I'm scared to be naked"...those all seem so negative.  I need to go back and re-read about being kind to my body, loving it instead of flogging it.  Maybe that's where I go from here.  Wish me luck.  Because I'm too fat, I hate looking at myself and I'm scared to be naked.  Really.