Well, I did it . I got through the week of my "dread-aversary" and I survived. Truly, truly survived, but I had a LOT of help.
I actually shouldn't say "but", because instead it should read "because". I truly, truly survived BECAUSE I had help. This is huge for me because I don't usually ask for help, and I don't usually let people help. I'm kind of stubborn, but needy at the same time. Going into the week I really thought it was going to be hard, and horrendous and really sad. But I did something different: I put it out there, I let people know that I was still grieving and needed a little extra. And I got it.
I have friends who supported me, and who provide me with the gift of their friendship and love. I can't ask for mor than that. And my husband, well, he was the rock he always is, I don't know how he does it but I'm so grateful for him. And of course my family, just knowing they were there gave me comfort.
I also did a mini 7 day Muchness challenge, just to keep my head and emotions above water, and that really helped. If you've never looked, go to http://www.findingmymuchness.com/, it's amazing!
I'm glad, I'm happy and I'm okay....my week went well and I feel relatively unscathed. Way better than I could have hoped for as the week had approached. My sanity is intact and I head to the next challenge....my tubal ligation. Lots of mixed feelings there, but I'll address that later. For now, I'm going to smile.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Heading Into the Danger Zone
It's coming.
That day. The one year "anniversary". And I can't stop it. I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it. Because trust me, I've tried. I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.
But I'm wrong. It is in the back of my mind constantly. I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside. It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage. A year? A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.
I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is. It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today. I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to". Not happening.
So I thought about something. When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week. I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day. Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be). So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.
That day. The one year "anniversary". And I can't stop it. I can't make it go away and I can't ignore it. Because trust me, I've tried. I fooled myself into thinking that all I have to do is ignore it and it'll sneak past quietly and without recognition by me.
But I'm wrong. It is in the back of my mind constantly. I can't look at my children without thinking about it, I can't look at babies or small children who would be Caoimhe's age without dying a little inside. It hurts, way more than I thought it would at this stage. A year? A whole year has passed and still I feel like it's the first day after hearing about the diagnosis and what had to be done.
I'm scared of this day because I have to be at work. I have to try to pretend that it's any other normal day because for everyone else, it is. It doesn't affect them, they have no reason to remember why I am so sad and I sure a hell can't walk around and say "Everybody feel sorry for me today. I lost a baby a year ago today and I deserve to cry, bitch and throw whatever temper tantrums I'm inclined to". Not happening.
So I thought about something. When I did my Muchness challenge, I had to find something good, something fun or something right about each day, and that is what I need to do this week. I need to focus on life, on the living and what makes me whole every day. Not that Caoimhe doesn't deserve a thought, a lot actually, but I want it to be without regret, without sadness (as impossibly hard as that will be). So I will head into the danger zone armed....I have to.
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